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Original poster

Have other widows found men appear out of nowhere once you're bereaved?

19 replies

PackedintheUK · 17/10/2021 19:54

DH died 4 months ago after a short illness. We had some time to get used to the idea and since he died I've been trying to carry on and keep busy. Mostly coping OK.

I have a fairly wide circle of friends and acquaintances and as so often is the case, those that have really been there for me haven't necessarily been the ones I'd expected. Some of our couple friends, people I would have considered my best friends, seem to have melted away.

However some other people have been brilliant. One very sociable woman has really taken me under her wing and invited me to absolutely everything, whilst also being very understanding if I don't fancy it, but I've also had lots of new contact with men. Men I already knew in passing, but never really had a conversation with. Nothing at all that could be considered coming on to me, but definitely different to how it was.

For example:

Man at an event today. I've seen him at similar events lots of times before but never said more than hello. Today he told me all about his health, which TBF when he briefly mentioned a condition he has, I did show some interest, but he's never told me about the conditioner anything else1 before. Married man and doting grandad.

Single man I know as part of a wider group has started including me in things with a separate friendship group of his. This has been great, we have a shared interest and the new group is fun, but again I've known him for years and never been asked before.

Another single man who I know through a shared hobby. We've often done things together for that, but he's started asking me for coffee/beer after, which we've never done before. It's been nice and I have more time to stay than before, no hint of anything flirtatious, just friends, but different to before.

There are a few more similar things. Nothing out of the ordinary as a one off, just people I know chatting a bit longer than usual, but so many of them!

Is it just that they think I need the company (I do) or is it something else? It's nice really, but also does feel a it odd, but that's quite possibly because I'm over thinking.

I'm not finding the same with women.

FWIW I'm a very mumsy ordinary looking woman in her 50s and really rather boring.

OP posts:

Mums1234 · 17/10/2021 20:03

I think it's brilliant and I wish had some of your success

2020isnotbehaving · 17/10/2021 20:07

Good for you ! Though some threads on here if you are married you are not allowed to speak to another married man, have a drink, go for lunch at work together etc. So it’s not surprising that large numbers of people think just talking to a married women is akin to starting an affair so they don’t bother more than a hello.

ineedsun · 17/10/2021 20:16

I’m sorry to hear about your husband. My brother is a widower (wife died three years ago after a very long and debilitating illness), he’s become like catnip to women. My niece has started calling him a widhoe (all good natured, she knows he deserves some fun after the stress of being the primary carer and earner).

Original poster

PackedintheUK · 17/10/2021 21:11

I'm not sure if it is "success". If it's genuine friendship of course, lovely, but it almost feels like vultures circling.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 17/10/2021 21:13

Lots of men are chancers...sad but true.

Comedycook · 17/10/2021 21:14

I'm very sorry for your loss by the way

borntobequiet · 17/10/2021 21:14

They didn’t do this before because you were married. It’s not really surprising.
They sound OK.

PicsInRed · 17/10/2021 21:22

I found the same when newly separated, most (!) were married or partnered, a couple were single (but both were obvious predators who came with bad references).

It was really upsetting how many were married with kids, and that's something I've never forgotten.

Original poster

PackedintheUK · 17/10/2021 21:25

@PicsInRed

I found the same when newly separated, most (!) were married or partnered, a couple were single (but both were obvious predators who came with bad references).

It was really upsetting how many were married with kids, and that's something I've never forgotten.

Hmm. I don't know. Everything I know about these men is that they're nice people, no one has come on to me, just been friendly.

The married ones haven't done anything wrong, but neither would they have done anything wrong if they'd been the same when I was married.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 17/10/2021 21:25

I'm so sorry for your loss. With regards to the men it all sounds above board and if you feel relaxed with it a drink and a chat would be nice, that said of course you can't be sure of anyone's intentions so keep your wits about you. Healing isn't linear

LittleOverWhelmed · 17/10/2021 22:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

blackheartsgirl · 17/10/2021 22:19

Nope I've not found that but them again I don't go out much or know many people lol

Dh died 3 months ago my mum is on and on at e to come to A quiz night on a sun. Full of leery beery men who are 60plus and in need of a good woman according to my mum
No ta 😆
Just keep alert and don't do anything that doesn't feel right I guess

Sittingonabench · 17/10/2021 22:21

I would think they previously may have felt that you had other priorities - maybe caring responsibilities etc. It may be that they know more about your circumstances now than they ever had before. It sounds friendly and maybe also a bit of hoping someone would support their wives in similar circumstances. One of my fathers friends would drop flowers and things from his allotment for my mother after my father passed. Would never knock or anything but it was nice to know he wanted to support her without wanting to intrude. I would take it at face value and take any comfort from it you can. If you don’t feel comfortable at any point, just cut it off. Sorry for your loss.

Zeev · 17/10/2021 22:24

@PackedintheUK

I'm not sure if it is "success". If it's genuine friendship of course, lovely, but it almost feels like vultures circling.

My mom had this happen when dad passed. Their mutual male friends started sending her really clumsy "hey how are YOU doing" emails and suggesting meetups, when they never wanted to visit while dad was ailing.

stalkersaga · 17/10/2021 22:27

I hate to be cynical, but my experience in life thus far is basically that many of them smell personal vulnerability they wish to exploit. I would tread carefully and trust your instincts - if anything feels the slightest bit not above board, it probably isn't.

I'm sorry for the loss of your DH

marly11 · 17/10/2021 22:35

I don't know if it's relevant or not but years ago when I was somewhat vulnerable having split from a hopeless womanising DH just after I'd had a baby, a number of his male colleagues started circling. My midwife at the time advised me that it was a fact of life when a woman was newly split from a partner and to be careful. Your situation is of course very different. But I have never forgotten her words. I don't know if that 'truth' carries through all of life. I guess after a loss it would be nice to be able to trust more and enjoy the company - but worth just being alert in case there is any of this.

TonyThreePies · 17/10/2021 23:48

I am so sorry for your loss OP. There probably are a few chancers there OP, as a divorcee I get that (although I am not trying to compare our circumstances). A *nice^ guy that I work with - and that everyone else thinks is Mr Nice Guy - made it very clear that he was up for an affair. But others I think kick into protector mode and want to make sure you are ok. I found a good group of male friends (all friends with each other) when one of them took me under his wing, and they all also supported me and looked out for me. None of them ever crossed a line and I felt very safe with them.

I think you have to follow your gut instinct as to which category they fall into.

znaika · 18/10/2021 04:47

I am sorry .for your loss It is not my experience. I couldn't get arrested for years and waa dumped by many friends.

5zeds · 18/10/2021 05:13

I think it’s probably a mixture of things but mainly because you have time and they wouldn’t be hogging you when you might like to get back to time with your spouse and you probably have more time to do things. I’d also imagine they are nice people and want to help you through a difficult time. Obviously there will be people with a more predatory attitude but I think friends who are showing they’d like to spend more time with you are less likely to be in that catagory.

The older man sharing his condition with you made me laugh. I think it’s your recent experience with illness, as this happened to me when one of my children was seriously ill. As though I’d opened a floodgate.

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