So sick of their laziness

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Ds and dd started A levels amid GCSEs

They both do no work.

Ds did really poorly in his GCSEs but wants to do A levels for some reason. Teachers flagged all way through GCSE course he wasn't doing the work. I tried to help with with study schedules, revision aids, tutors which he refused.

I am so sick of seeing them do nothing. Then when they mess up their exams I'll be expected to find solutions for their future.

I just don't want to do it anymore. They know what needs to be done. Both considered very bright by the school.

When they mess up, I will just shrug my shoulders. I've had enough trying to persuade and cajole.

Anyone else got bone idle teenagers?

Is this just an issue with school work or are they lazy in general?

Oh dear op. Is there any leverage you have? Eg they only get x box time or wifi after 10pm IF they do their homework. Or they need good report from school IF they want you to contribute to driving lessons. Do they have any idea of what they would like to do after school? Could they look on jobs boards and see what the requirements are and the salary (sometimes real life situations can be motivating)? I don’t think I would be helping with uni fees unless they made a good effort in secondary school. But it is v tough, different kids are different.

Do they do sports/hobbies? Have PlayStations etc? TVs in rooms? I'd be removing all those things.

If it's any consolation, my bright but lazy DS got mediocre GCSE results in 2019. He spent most of the lockdowns in bed, doing fuck all - or so I thought. He came out with A, A, B in his A-level results in August.

At what point do they take responsibility for themselves?

At nearly 17 and nearly 15, should I have to sanction their use of gadgets? When will they learn? I still have to spoon feed them an understanding of what is required to do well?

Have they always been lazy, OP? At that age, I think they do have to take responsibility for their own work tbh. You can't make them study, no matter how hard you try.

I think I'd be inclined to have a very honest conversation with them both about personal responsibility and tell them that you're stepping back and will be leaving them to pick up the pieces if things go wrong. Do they have any aspirations for the future that they might want to work towards?

For the sake of comparison, I have a year 12 dd who is very driven. I don't have to push her at all to motivate her. She just gets on with it, as do many of her friends.

I did fuck all work for my GCSEs. I hated school and they didn’t have a 6th form so I thought I’d just be able to retake at the nice local college. I started preparing my parents about 6 weeks before the exams that I might fail them all but it was okay because the college did retakes. They let me know in no uncertain terms that there would be no retakes and I’d have to get a job and pay rent if I failed. It definitely focused my mind and I managed to get an a, 3 bs and 3 cs.

Is there some kind of rude awakening you can give them to incentivise not failing?

OP - they will learn when they start work and have to earn their own money. They can work hard and save to get money for the things they want, or they can not have those things.

The problem is that many jobs/training pathways these days are dependent on gcses and a levels. So if they screw them up, it becomes a lot harder to follow the path they want. Either you pay for retakes, or they work and study for retakes at the same time or they work to save up money to do the retakes. It’s not impossible to succeed if for whatever reason exams don’t go well, but it just makes it harder. Your expectations of what they will do after school (what you are prepared to fund) should be clearly communicated now - possibly in writing - so they know what the score is. They should also look on jobs boards to see what requirements companies look for and the prospective salaries (bearing in mind that this could be a minimum - ie lots of people may be applying for the job, so their qualifications/experience would have to exceed the competition to succeed).

@MrsKoala

I did fuck all work for my GCSEs. I hated school and they didn’t have a 6th form so I thought I’d just be able to retake at the nice local college. I started preparing my parents about 6 weeks before the exams that I might fail them all but it was okay because the college did retakes. They let me know in no uncertain terms that there would be no retakes and I’d have to get a job and pay rent if I failed. It definitely focused my mind and I managed to get an a, 3 bs and 3 cs.

Is there some kind of rude awakening you can give them to incentivise not failing?

Exactly this! If they can't be bothered with their long term future, neither should you. If they fail, off they go to get a job. With no qualifications. See how that works out for them.

Ah. I debated whether to contribute. As it's loooong ) so will take ages to type 😂

DS1 was 15. In a good, supportive comp but so lazy. Lots of support etc, us and school but ultimately achieved in 6 GCSEs one grade lower than predicted. Hardly a huge disaster, getting AABBBBBCC. But not what he was capable of.

Prior to his GCSEs, I nagged, I cajoled, I begged. But, by the GCSE February, I recognised where this was heading, so I told him I was backing off. He knew what he needed to do, I knew but it was Up To Him to Do It. As the fraught atmosphere was destroying our relationship. Backing off was hard, but necessary.

Hence his results. Which slightly threw him, to be honest..

But then he decided A level Maths, Physics, Economics was a good idea (shrugged when asked about his motivation)- Mr Attitood.

By Xmas in lower sixth it was evident, the direction of travel. He was failing. Attending, yes; achieving, no.

So. I stepped in, Mrs Calm. I really was. I said he had 3 options: restart A levels with more realistic choices/ change course completely/ leave and get a full time job as I was no longer going to support his failure due to his laziness and attitude. Up to him. I made the point that millions of people work in hospitality/retail/ packing centres their entire lives; and that's fine. I genuinely do not diss that. If that's what he wanted to aspire to, not because that was all that was available to him.

But I also said lots of 'I understand people come to the realisation that their future is in their own hands at different stages in their lives. Maybe you're not yet ready to understand that, but that's fine, but you are not sponging off me. No study? Get a full time job. No debate'.

Luckily, Maturity Won. He knew in lower sixth he was failing (and the shock of parents evening- so used was he to Y11 teachers wringing hands and 'putting interventions in place', that the sixth form teacher shrug of 'your choice, young man' hit home).

He transferred, via my research, to a local college, restarted doing a 3 A level equivalent BTEC, got top marks and is now in his final (4th) year at uni with a Software Engineering job lined up in June.

Maturity, possibly abetted by Calm Mummy 'understanding' how he wasn't 'getting it' thus needed 'time to grow up' via the medium of a full time job (Tesco, where he was already very part time at 16)..... until you're ready, son.

I will not support my DC's laziness.

They now know that, esp DS1, now 22.

Family meeting. Say that education is important to you because you want to see them afford nice things in the future like holidays overseas and a decent car. Ask them if they feel prepared yet for the study ahead. Then ask what strategies they suggest you take to help keep them motivated. Then LISTEN. Don't talk at all. Let them tell you what they want from you. Then do that. It's on them.

Do they have jobs?

If they get minimum wage jobs they might realise how hard you have to work for such little money. It might motivate them to want higher paying jobs which you need further qualifications for. (Sorry this is not meant to be offensive to people working Monday wage jobs)

Might be also worth telling them that they will be expected to leave home at x age (say 19). If they're lazy you risk never getting rid!!

Namenic so true. I'm almost 60 😳😊 and a HCP. Band 6 (through choice. Who'd choice B7??!)

I am endlessly surprised at how many apparently capable-enough young people come to us as HCAs (B2) aged18/20/25 who just didn't get the right qualifications or were so poorly advised at 16 to do some shite cobble together of A level/level 2, 'functional skills' NVQs etc nonsense

• who now need to do an Access Course (inc in some cases Maths and English GCSE) to then go to Uni for 3 years, mid 20s to become a HCP.

Ignoring my concern that this 1 year Access Course (incorporating Maths and English GCSE - can really hardly be the equivalent of 3 proper A levels, over 2 years, can it? But recognising the government has to plug the yawning gaps, somehow...)

Get It Right First Time, if you're capable.

@Avarua

Family meeting. Say that education is important to you because you want to see them afford nice things in the future like holidays overseas and a decent car. Ask them if they feel prepared yet for the study ahead. Then ask what strategies they suggest you take to help keep them motivated. Then LISTEN. Don't talk at all. Let them tell you what they want from you. Then do that. It's on them.

This is akin to my (outwardly 😳) calm 'chat' with my February-of-GCSE-year DS1.

I reminded him of the lovely 'private villa with pool' Spanish holidays we'd taken (as an example), and asked him where he thought that money had come from.

I made it clear that 'money=choice' in life. And, like you, I emphasised that there is no shame in NMW work. But you have to make that choice as to whether you want that, or if that is all that's available to you.

I also reminded him that we are 'older parents' thus he couldn't rely on a 'commutable to London' bedroom at ours beyond maybe 25 when we sell up and head west.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp
'1) At what point do they take responsibility for themselves?
2) At nearly 17 and nearly 15, should I have to sanction their use of gadgets?
3) When will they learn? I still have to spoon feed them an understanding of what is required to do well?'

1. When they're emotionally mature enough, and they're clearly not there yet.
2. Yes, if It's what needs to be done to drive the point home.
3. When they finally get the message that on this one thing, there is no getting around it.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Are you a single parent? You don't mention. If you are, at least you have no-one derailing what you are doing. If you have a partner, you both need to be on the same page with this.
When it comes to school, there's no pissing about - they need to get on with it.
If they have Classcharts or similar where you can see the work they need to do, you could return gadgets / phone to them once they've done it. (But even then I'd restrict their time to sensible hours on the Wi-Fi.)
If they kick up, remind them that they're not doing what they should.... once you know you can trust them, things can change.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

At what point do they take responsibility for themselves?

At nearly 17 and nearly 15, should I have to sanction their use of gadgets? When will they learn? I still have to spoon feed them an understanding of what is required to do well?

At 14 and 16 if you've ended up with extremely lazy children who are allowed free rein to indulge in what they want to do and yet seemingly have no consequences for not doing as they should, then yes.