How to prepare my daughter for an imminent death

[Donatella]

DD2 is 10, in year 6. One of her best friends' mum has cancer, she's had it for many years and has reached the end of the road for treatment. All they can do for her now is manage her pain, and how long she has left depends on how well they can do that - in Sept she was told 3-6 months.

About a year ago was the first time she told her daughter she was ill, but her daughter doesn't yet know about the prognosis (she wants to wait until secondary school entrance exams are over). Mum has told me and another mum, as the three girls are very close and have been since reception, but obviously we won't say anything more than her daughter knows. That said though, I want to do whatever I can to soften the blow for my daughter when the time comes.

It's especially hard as the mum is a single parent, no input whatsoever from the dad (I don't know the story but he isn't in the picture and never has been). She is not British and has no family in this country. She has friends lined up to take guardianship of her daughter but they don't live locally so I am worried that the girls will lose contact quite suddenly (friend doesn't have a phone yet). They would be going to different secondary schools anyway, but that separation would be a 'normal' one, this would be so much more tragic, especially if the friend can't finish Y6 in the same school.

Any thoughts on how to handle this? I'm not sure there is anything I can do except wait for the mum to tell her daughter, but I want to be prepared as far as possible.

Blimey i think it’s quite a decision to make to delay telling your child until they have so little time left.

That’s so sad. Sorry i’m not Being terribly helpful. I mean what do you do?

You could do practical things like getting contact details of where your daughter’s friend will be living in the future, and ask her mum if it will be ok for you to have the friend for visits/overnight stays in the future.

That way you are supporting your daughter’s friend, her mum and your daughter.

I think you’re right to wait for the mum to tell her daughter.

Not totally related but mentioning because I’m aware of a case where non-British parent died without father in the picture - has your friend secured British citizenship for her child if she doesn’t already have it?

I don’t think you can prepare really as you can’t say more than mother has said to her own child, so you kind of need to take her lead. The only thing I could think of would be whether mother would introduce you to the guardians (even if that’s just through text message) so you can maintain contact if the child does end up moving away

Practically, why is she not telling her until entrance exams are over when she’s going to have to move away and won’t be going to those schools anyway?! I know there’s no easy way to handle this but I think she needs to think about how she handles this with her own daughter much more than she is doing!

You cannot do anything for your own daughter, but I think I might try and talk to your friend about what she is doing to prepare her own daughter.

I'm so sorry to hear this!

Could you maybe focus more on the situation regarding your daughters friend and not the mother? I know that might sound harsh but at 10, the lose of her friend will be greater than the lose of a friends mother. Maybe set up a 'letters to ???' Box? Get her new address written out and laminated, some nice writing paper and special new pen set, some envelopes and stamps and explain to her that her friend will be moving away soon but that she is still going to be her friend and they can write to each other all the time! Maybe do the same for your DD friend so that when the time comes DD can gift it to her and say the same to her?

In regards to the mother's death, I'd follow your DD lead. When my grandad died (I was 8 at the time) my parents gave me very basic information and then asked if I had any questions and only answered those. I could go to them at any time with more questions, but that way they weren't bombarding me with information I wasn't ready or prepared for.

Good luck and my condolences 💐

@PotteringAlong

Practically, why is she not telling her until entrance exams are over when she’s going to have to move away and won’t be going to those schools anyway?! I know there’s no easy way to handle this but I think she needs to think about how she handles this with her own daughter much more than she is doing!

You cannot do anything for your own daughter, but I think I might try and talk to your friend about what she is doing to prepare her own daughter.

The entrance exams are for the schools near where she will be living in the future - it's long been the plan that she would go to (private) secondary there which is why we know she won't be going to school with DD and their other friend (who won't be going private!)

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

Not totally related but mentioning because I’m aware of a case where non-British parent died without father in the picture - has your friend secured British citizenship for her child if she doesn’t already have it?

I don’t think you can prepare really as you can’t say more than mother has said to her own child, so you kind of need to take her lead. The only thing I could think of would be whether mother would introduce you to the guardians (even if that’s just through text message) so you can maintain contact if the child does end up moving away

I'm not really close enough to the mum to get into those details, but I do know that mum is very organised and has had plans in place for this for some time so I'm sure that is all in hand.

Thanks all for your advice, I think the main thing is how to maintain contact so I will ask the mother of the other friend, who is closer to the family, to see if she can get contact details for the guardians. I'd hate the girls to just lose contact suddenly at such a difficult time.