Is it ever excusable to be horrible to your friends?

[Thepennysjustdropped]

Can I vent, please. (Long, sorry.) I moved to a village six years ago. Joined a group of women who go out walking, for meals, etc. They are all lovely and I view them as friends, apart from the organiser. She is very clever, and intimidating, reminds me of Margaret Thatcher but is a big mover & shaker locally, knows everyone, and without her efforts there would be a lot less going on here. Over the years she has several times been blunt to the point of rudeness to my face and within my hearing about me to others. The people she was talking to didn't say anything. Uncalled-for remarks that would be best left unsaid. (Not only me - e.g. I once heard her talking about someone else, saying that she lives in "a horrible little house". What's the point of saying that? It's a nice little cottage.) Once when I heard her bitch about me I pulled her up on it - "What did you mean by that, Margaret?" but she just gave me a big smile and ignored the question. But the funny thing is that despite everyone knowing about these comments, people make excuses for her and more than once I've heard her described as 'vulnerable'. I want to get on with her and have stood up for her when I thought she was being unfairly treated. I found myself with her a couple of months ago and she was charming and interesting. Great.

Fast forward to yesterday, when she was grumpy with everyone and then had what I can only describe as a tantrum with me (I may post separately about this!). She said something ridiculous and stormed out. It is a very long time since I've seen an adult behave like that and I was embarrassed. Someone took me aside and said, "I probably shouldn't tell you this but about six years ago her DH had an affair. Maybe something's happened again?" Then this morning I got a phone call from someone else, asking about the tantrum, "WTF happened?" When I told her, she said "Well, don't let her get to you.That's just Margaret. I've gone off her DH too, but that's a whole other story." I didn't push it as I don't want to be seen as a gossip and would prefer not to have to keep secrets. But it's just occurred to me that everyone knows and is making allowances. But we are supposed to all be friends. It's not on, is it?

@5thnonblonde

‘They say that grey is over’ you could say ‘oh maybe it’s generational’ and breeze past

I should've thought of that!

She's not your friend, just your social secretary.

Tempting to make glib comments back, but it depends on how much it will rock the whole group dynamic.

Thank you. Yes, you're right about the not being friends. I think I'd been hoping her behaviour would improve and we could be friends, but it's not going to happen.

Apart from that I don't buy the 'vulnerable' bit. She really, really, doesn't give a shit.

It sounds like that's what people mean by 'vulnerable', though - that she perhaps lacks self-awareness and social skills and doesn't have much insight into how her behaviour affects others.

Obviously it doesn't mean you have to put up with it, even if she does struggle through no fault of her own - it's absolutely exhausting having to make allowances for people with no self-awareness, and when challenging their behaviour has no effect, it can be really stressful and draining to take all the crap they inadvertently throw at you.

There's no shame in walking away if she's making you feel bad, even if she is genuinely vulnerable.

I'm not sure I understand - vulnerable to me means someone who could be taken advantage of by others, or who is frail, or allowances should be made for. I don't think vulnerable can equal has the skin of a rhino. When they say she's vulnerable I think they mean she's a softie under that hard exterior. They know her better than I do, but I think when she has insulted me to my face for her own amusement she has known exactly what she was doing.

But yes. I'm no longer going to listen to her opinions or care about what she says. I have been trying to prove to her that I'm not thick/can be worth knowing, but I'm going to give that up and distance myself from her. I am tempted to tell her exactly what I think of her but would only embarrass myself, as I hate conflict. I don't need her approval. Freedom! (grin)

Sorry, OP - I was trying so hard not to be offensive or disablist that I didn't actually manage to make my point!

What I really meant is that 'vulnerable' might be being used as a euphemism for some kind of neurodivergence or MH difficulty that people might suspect she has but don't know, so they don't feel they should say any more than simply 'vulnerable'. That's what I'd take it to mean.

I didn't say that because I don't think it's helpful for every bit of rude behaviour to be seen as possibly a sign that someone's neurodivergent, as some people are just arseholes and I didn't want to suggest that ND people = arseholes as I don't think that and it's a really damaging stereotype (I'm neurodivergent myself as is most of my family, so it can be so annoying the way people refer to neurodivergence - I'm really sorry if this offends anyone, as it would probably offend me if I weren't writing it...).

But what I meant is that from what you've said and from the fact people seem to be being a bit euphemistic about it, I wondered if the other villagers have wondered if she is neurodivergent or has MH issues but obviously don't want to go around diagnosing her as it's clearly not their place to.

Ah, I see. I don't know!