First time mums over 40 (in London?)

[80BlackCab]

I'm a first time mum to a 16 month old in London, age 41. Just interested to ask experiences from others in the same position as it can feel lonely.

Anyway I don't have any really close mum friends to chat to who are honest with me. My NCT group only ever met on Zoom and so everyone is really polite, saying everything's great and easy, going smoothly etc, which I don't believe! But I don't know them well enough to speak candidly!

I'm currently a SAHP to my DD, mainly as my work dried up due to Covid and I haven't managed to pick up enough work to pay for nursery. Very lucky that husbands work means I can look after dd full time, but boy is it tiring! I attend soft play type places on weekday mornings, and see a lot of mums who seem to be a similar age to me. In fact the majority of mums of toddlers in london always seem to be 40+ ish - is that my imagination?

Do you ever feel drained / tired about having a baby after 40? Do you anticipate having a second child? I'm not sure, even though I want my DD to have a sibling, I worry about my fertility, my body breaking, recovering from birth, my tiredness, having to have two so close together, how I'd cope if the second child had special / high needs or if they are a nightmare sleeper or something, and how my marriage would cope with two babies, where we would live (not enough space in London but don't want to move out), and if I'd ever feel / look attractive again.

Not sure if this resonates with anyone but I would really like to hear from others in a similar boat!

Not a first time mum, but my baby is 14 months and I am 41.

i don’t live in London anymore, I did until a couple of years ago and yes, there were a lot of mums over 40 with babies. My middle child is 7 now, I was one of the younger ones at groups when I was 34.

Where I’ve moved to now, I am the same age as some of the grans on the school run! It’s quite a change (my eldest is 19 though, so I at least have that in common).

Never believe anyone who says anything is going smoothly! It’s all just politeness I think. Once one person starts to complain about sleep/feeding etc then I’m sure lots more will pipe up.

I’m far more knackered at 41 than I was at 22 with my first, that’s for sure.

My NCT group only ever met on Zoom and so everyone is really polite, saying everything's great and easy, going smoothly etc, which I don't believe! But I don't know them well enough to speak candidly!

Well to be fair if you don’t speak candidly, why do you expect them to? Just break the ice, be honest & you might be surprised at what you get in return.

Agree with @Glassofshloer I broke down in tears in front of my NCT once and honestly it was the best thing I did. They’re probably all feeling the same as you.

@Bearslovinghoney

Agree with *@Glassofshloer* I broke down in tears in front of my NCT once and honestly it was the best thing I did. They’re probably all feeling the same as you.

Me too! Much sobbing later, it turned out my baby wasn’t the only one with terrible reflux - half the babies were on infant gaviscon as well! I feel there’s a bit of keeping up appearances but once the ice is broken everyone is relieved.

Hi! I'm a first time mum, was 39 when DC was born, he's 2.5 now. Live in north London. Most of my friends had kids around the same age, late thirties.

Yep I feel permanently drained. Am a single parent and work full time and it is HARD. Although actually I found my year's maternity leave hellish, was very very depressed, and only felt better once I went back to work, so overall I'm glad to be working.

I most certainly will not be having another, although for different reasons than you have mentioned.

Also, you can speak candidly on hear! In my darker moments during DC first year (and, to be fair in some hard times after that too) I have talked to others on here and it has helped so much. It's easier to be candid on mumsnet than in real life I think.

I don't live in London and my children are older. But I had my second a month before I turned 40. I'd consider you to be the same age as me if I see you in a softplay with your toddler. There are a lot of late 30s early 40s mother of babies around. I think you are right about the age of those mums.

If you want to have a second, go for it. You will regret it if you delay and have fertility problems. It's knackered with babies but they really get a lot better once they are school age. My two get along so well, it's very easy to look after both.

I had my first (and only) at 40. I'd just moved to London. I'd say it was quite lonely until nursery/school when suddenly you start to meet a lot of people through school runs / coffee mornings, etc. I'm glad I waited to have a child tbh (well, not that I had a choice - met DH later in life) as I just wasn't ready until older - and I don't notice any problems with energy levels - I think I had less energy when I was young, as it was consumed with worryi about what other people were doing/thinking!