It's all just getting a little too much

[Beachtrip]

This is going to be ranty.
I'm just so under it with everything.
I have two kids and they are such hard work right now. They bicker non stop, and if the bickering isn't quashed within a few mins of it starting it escalates to full on physical fighting. They are girl 9 and boy 7.
I'm a single mum and I parent in spite of my ex husband who makes everything so extremely difficult. He won't respond to emails but rather opts to send messages through the kids. He makes parenting choices without any input from me. He bought my daughter a phone recently so that she start going out on her own, she's 9! not to mention he didn't put any credit on it... then sent the whole thing, box and all, back home with her then followed that up with a text saying she needs to bring it back with her next time she sees him. I'm replying to say to keep it there as we are not at a point where she can start going out alone and a credit less phone is useless.

My flat is always a mess, i work and just find myself so exhausted i don't keep on top of everything, then it gets me down and its a vicious cycle.
Doing lots of stuff with the kids behaviour right now.
every morning is a nightmare, they don't get dressed for school, mess around and argue. they cant be in the same room because they just wind each other up and to a point that's normal. but when it takes over an hour for them to get changed and i cant do anything like have a shower, or make breakfast because i have to stand supervising and constantly remove them from each other... so I've gone in hard with consequences and putting my foot down to show i will no longer accept this behaviour. example: dd went to school with no breakfast a few days ago because it took her an hour to get dressed and then it was time to leave. she was devastated and so was i. felt horrid sending her in with no breakfast but what can i do??? get dressed, it takes 10 mins, then eat, another 10-15 mins. you'd have 30 mins left to play or whatever.

I thought i was doing ok. trying to put little bits of money aside for the coming winter, there's Christmas, rising fuel costs, rising food costs, cut in benefits (still get some as I don't work full time) and now this morning.. my fucking car wouldn't start. it was a mad dash to get to school and then a madder dash to get to work, and luckily I am alone in the office until 10ish as I'm just sat here in tears.
Feel like I'm going to crack.

I was on antidepressants for a long time and I worked hard to get off them. I've been off them for a while now and i don't want to go back on.
I just need to get this out.

Bloody hell OP, sounds so stressful at the moment. Have you got a support network at at all? Have you got parents / friends locally?

How often does their dad have them? You sound like you need a bloody break.

Hugs firstly. Perhaps what you need is a schedule for now.

I do have friends locally, family is spread around.
I do call on for help at times but I'm aware people are busy with their own lives too and i start to feel like a drain and pity case constantly asking people for help.

I just want to hide away. Not do anything, not go anywhere, just hide at home. But then that wouldn't be fun cos the kids wont stop bickering!! face palm

dad has them every other weekend, and whilst its a couple of days for me to chill or crack on whatever, its always clouded by the fact that DD will come back with a load of stuff to tell me, usually how unhappy she is, things her father has said about me, messages he has passed through her.. DS has a great time.
I spend the whole weekend anxious about it and then sunday night is draining.

Would they be able to go to their dads one at a time to get a break from each other?

It sounds like your at your complete wits end could you not ask for some help from family as a bit of a one off? Maybe they could stay with a grandparent for the weekend? Even just one of them?

It sounds so stressful 💐

Would Home Start be able to help? Worth a look and there are helpline numbers too.

Sounds horribly familiar. I don't think the ex getting daughter the phone is a terrible thing as it will be useful as she gets older. Try not to Co parent. With some it's impossible.

Can you get a car through work. Are there any schemes? I just got one through work.

Can you farm out some laundry? Get a cleaner. Anything to make your life a bit better.

But I understand. It is fully relentless.

Ask ds if he'd like to go and spend more time with his df. That would separate them and give you a break. There's nothing more draining than kids fighting.

Dd should eat before she gets dressed. She's not likely to go out in her pyjamas and at least that way she will have eaten. If she's not hungry that early what about a cereal bar in the car?

If I'm in a rush in the morning the kids get ready before they do anything else - no tv or games or anything else until they're ready. We always do everything in the same order - get up, breakfast, teeth, dressed, shoes on, then watch TV or play or whatever. They know what's expected. They don't always do it, but repetition helps. You might need to micromanage them. If mine start fighting, i make them go into seperate rooms - they hate that, but i don't let them go into the same room again until they're ready to simmer down and apologise.

It is hard. You've got a lot on your plate. If you can get the children to help you more in the morning it might make life easier even by them just complying.

How much responsibility do you give them at home? Maybe they could do with more of it. Helping with housework and stuff, age appropriate chores.

No hope for car through work.
I'm guessing it's the battery that's gone, so I just need jump starting and go get a new one.
But it was just... are you fucking kidding me!?!
Now this!!!!

Ex won't take them any extra, is completely inflexible, almost relishes in how hard it can be for me.
He is cancel half terms and holidays if he can as he has to work, regardless of whether I have to work or not.
I've tried going down the official channels on this but I can't afford to go to court.

Tried the mornings eating first, what it means is she isn't dressed when it's time to leave abs then we're late.
This way, it's her choice to miss breakfast. In her defence, she hasn't missed breakfast again.

She does have chores and I'm sticking by them, but it's at great cost of emotional energy
Dd has some issues due to past events involving her father and her behaviour can be very explosive. She is extremely jealous of her brother and is adamant that everyone loves him more then her, mostly cos that is exactly how he treats them when they are there. And so when she has to do something, not only is she stroppy in a standard way, but added because she perceives it as her being forced to do things while ds isn't. I've explained age appropriate etc but she's not listening to that. Just her own rhetoric.

Can you farm out some laundry? Get a cleaner. Anything to make your life a bit better.

Does it sound like the OP can afford a cleaner?

No, ha. If I could afford a cleaner I'd have one.

It's just the little things, like doing the washing up after dinner. It should take 15 minutes but I have to stop constantly cos they are bickering.
Ds fires up and is in full drama mode. So washing up takes ages. I hate that I basically leave everything to after bedtime so I can sit and supervise two kids abs spend my evening saying "leave him alone" "do t make faces at her" "focus on your own stuff" remove to separate rooms, come back, remove again etc etc.

She'll wind him up with noises abs faces and he'll fly for her with fists.
It can literally be that meme from Jurassic park with Chris holding back the raptors.
The. Once in bed I spend an hour or more doing tidying, washing up, prepping lunch boxes, etc etc.

Homework - dear god.
Can take 30-40 mins of DD huffing and puffing.
Ds will, of course, only use a specific pencil that we can't find (I'm not even sure this pencil exists?!?)

I've used homestart before. Years ago when I first divorced exh.
I know this won't last forever, it makes me sad that instead of feeling like a happy cohesive family, it's just constant bickering and then they'll be teenagers and off out in the world.

At 7 and 9 I’d be getting them involved with the cleaning and tidying. Give them tasks that keep them apart.

It's not advice on organisation you need, it's advice on resolving your and your dcs' emotional issues, caused, by the sound of it, by your bad split from your arse of an ex and his continuing to use your dcs to get back at you. He sounds horrible - on the positive front, at least you're not still with him!

What I think you all need is emotional support - your kids are bickering because their shit dad is stirring things and putting them in the middle of the arguments between you two. Try to feel pity for the fact that he is clearly an inadequate, powerless man who has to resort to this kind of behaviour in a failed attempt to 'win'. Then ignore him as much as you can.

Your focus should be on making both your dcs, especially your dd, feel loved and secure. Your horrible ex is obviously trying to foment arguments between his kids too, by treating your ds better, from what you said of your dd's feelings. Don't let him.

Both your dcs, but especially your dd, need lots of love and being made to feel special. That doesn't need to cost money - just sitting and watching a movie on TV or going to the park or talking to her. You are her role model, and she is picking up on your unhappiness and mirroring it - they both are.

Try reading a book called The Explosive Child by Ross someone -or-other - often recommended on MN. I read it when my ds was at a similar age and going through a really difficult stage. It made a huge difference to me and my ds's behaviour - basically, it reminded me he wasn't being horrible because he was a horrible person, but because he was an unhappy child who hadn't yet learned to deal with those difficult emotions in a constructive way. It allowed me to forgive him, and myself, and just focus on teaching and helping him to develop those skills. He was so difficult to be around aged 8 or 9 - he's now 15, and gives me huge hugs all the time and regularly tells me how much he loves me. He'll always be anxious by nature, but no longer takes that anxiety out on his parents and siblings. And that was really all thanks to that book. So give it a go! And try forgiving yourself and your dcs. (Don't feel obliged to forgive your ex, who it sounds like you're well rid of!)

Also, repost this post in the 'Parenting' section - you'll get better, more targeted support from parents who've been exactly where you are now.

It's a temporary stage and you can resolve it!

Op I feel for you, mine were exactly the same. There's a bigger age gap so ds would see dd as being the annoying little sister. I'd come in from work, try to get things done, cook tea etc and things would be going flying, being knocked over, causing me more work and I just couldn't be in two places at once.
In the end I just had to lower my standards and accept the house was clean but not spotless because there simply weren't enough hours in the day. I honestly felt like I was going to crack up at times, it was just relentless. They were never considered naughty as such by anyone, no problems with their interaction with other kids, no trouble at school, they literally just aggravated each other!
I dont have much advice but to say they did grow out of it when the eldest hit his teens. They're fine now, banter a lot but never argue. Dd is very tidy, her room is immaculate. Ds not so much but I wouldn't say it's too messy, a bit disorganised maybe. It really does get better