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Original poster

Why do I want to visit my old house so much?**TRIGGER** sexual assault in OP

20 replies

Isthisabitweird · 15/10/2021 08:38

I was married a long time ago to an abusive man who raped me and beat me.

I left him almost twenty years ago and my life has moved on.

When having a nose at house prices the other day, I noticed that our home we lived in together is on the market. Other than a few decorative changes it’s exactly the same.

I have an overwhelming urge to go and view it. I don’t know why. I was desperately unhappy there and remember so vividly such as where I was assaulted I even remember things like my husband punching a hole in the wall next to my head and his fist going through the plaster. I don’t know what viewing it would prove to myself. But I keep looking at it online. Maybe I would get closure maybe it would open up a can or worms. What do you think?

OP posts:
IDontThinkSoNo · 15/10/2021 08:42

I’ve never been in that situation so my opinion is probably useless, but I tend to rely on my gut, so if I was really wanting to go and see the place, I would.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 15/10/2021 08:48

I agree with the above, perhaps it is closure? Seeing it differently, different decor, different smell, perhaps that's what you need to move on?

Bagelsandbrie · 15/10/2021 08:51

I had a very abusive childhood and I frequently find myself searching the properties on rightmove and looking at the interior photos. It’s very triggering for me but I can’t stop myself doing it. I think it’s part of me trying to process things and become desensitised to it all. I think maybe if I go over these things enough I’ll come to a point where it doesn’t hurt so much. Who knows.

Keladrythesaviour · 15/10/2021 08:55

Perhaps it's because you've moved your life on so successfully, it's your minds way of proving to. Itself that you have overcome, you aren't the scared and abused woman you were in that house. So by visiting it you can prove to yourself it wasn't the house, it's not somewhere to be scared of in your mind. It was very much a person at fault. I guess it's a little like people who have lived through abuse sometimes get to a point where they want to confront their abusers.
I'd be tempted to visit, but be aware you might need some decompression time or counselling afterwards to help you process what you've experienced.

Original poster
Isthisabitweird · 15/10/2021 10:13

I have made an appointment to go and see it. I haven’t told anyone else. I have even used a fake name. I don’t know why??

OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 15/10/2021 10:23

Sorry this has brought it all back OP.

I haven’t been in your exact situation, but sometimes drive past places associated with bad things. I stop and look at a hospice window of he room where a previous partner died. Past an old house that I had to leave under difficult circumstances. I feel a sort of compulsion.

But to be honest I don’t think it is a great way to treat the home owner, to gain access to their domestic space under false pretences. And given the stress that some have, preparing for viewings.

I suspect the ‘closure’ needs to come from within you. Or maybe we never get closure, just learn to live with past trauma and process it in different ways. It is natural that seeing the house will trigger you.

But it wasn’t the house. It was him.

espressomartiniweeny · 15/10/2021 10:56

If the owner is selling in the current market they are likely to have a block of all day bookings so I don't think you're really putting them out by attending.

It might be the closure you need, to walk in and think fuck you, I'm not that person any more and you can't hurt me any more.

Original poster
Isthisabitweird · 15/10/2021 11:01

The house is empty, it was bought as a buy to let and it’s the same owner from what I can see on zoopla. The estate agent told me the last tenants moved out so it’s on the market. I don’t think I would put anyone out personally.

OP posts:
Siriisatwat · 15/10/2021 12:50

I did this with my childhood home.

It actually really helped me.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 15/10/2021 12:51

Could you take someone with you, for support?

TrueRefuge · 15/10/2021 12:57

I think that's understandable OP. I think it's a curiosity combined with closure; you might be curious about what your emotional reaction would be and now the idea is planted, your brain wants to see it through. As others have said, it sounds like you're seeking closure, or rather, the next stage in your healing? Perhaps you want to go back as the strong, empowered you, without that awful, awful man, and say goodbye to that house and it's memories, independent of him.

I'm sorry for what you went through, and I hope the viewing brings what you need, whatever that is. Be kind to yourself afterwards. If you can, clear your diary, and maybe watch a nice comforting film so you can have a cry and a good sleep and process the things that will inevitably come up.

Come back and tell us about it if you want FlowersFlowers

ArranMumma · 15/10/2021 12:57

Can definitely understand why you’ve got a morbid curiosity to see it again. Maybe consider telling someone though (best friend maybe instead of your partner) in case it triggers up some deep rooted feelings in you? - but if you think you’ll be ok then you don’t need to tell anyone! It’s your business.

Glitterybug · 15/10/2021 12:58

Be careful you don't "flood" yourself. It might be helpful or it might cause more harm. Have you got a therapist you can talk to about it?

www.thecandidly.com/2019/this-is-why-we-become-emotionally-flooded

Burnerphone21 · 15/10/2021 13:47

I can relate. My fathers house was sold to a somewhat well known artist who has social media pages. I have become a bit over furious trying to see the house. I can't explain what it's about really.

Original poster
Isthisabitweird · 15/10/2021 23:14

Thank you. I haven’t told anyone. I’m going tomorrow afternoon I will update you. I don’t want to tell anyone it’s for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisabitweird · 16/10/2021 12:47

I went this morning.

It’s just a house.

I got in the car and I cried and cried and now I feel ok.

When the front door shut behind me it sounded so familiar that was strange. The curtain poles and the light fittings in two rooms are the same (I mean spring for new ones they are 20 years old). There are no punch holes in the wall or any signs of violence. Its just a house. I’m ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisabitweird · 16/10/2021 12:51

There was an open day, I was one of four people viewing it and I was really early as I was talking myself it of it. I said I got the wrong time and they said just come in. I didn’t have to relay a whole load of crap story that I was worried about as it would have looked a bit fake.

OP posts:
BeMoreQueer · 16/10/2021 12:58

Well done op, I’m glad you took this chance to process ❤️

amillionrosepetals · 16/10/2021 13:26

I think you did the right thing, I hope it has brought you 'closure'. I had an unhappy childhood and have been NC all my adult life. I have regularly checked to see if my childhood 'home' ever went up for sale. A couple of years ago I found out that it had been sold so I looked at sold prices on RightMove and there it was. I spent ages looking at the pictures and remembering all the unhappiness, I wept. It was however very cathartic and I feel as if I've somehow got it out of my system. Now it's just an ordinary house that complete strangers live in, it's power has gone.

bowchickawowwoww · 16/10/2021 13:42

Just a house. Enjoy the rest of your day op Thanks

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