Problems with dds school

[BakingOfTheFoodCats]

I did post this in parenting but didn’t get any responses.

I have a 4 year old daughter, I also have older children one with autism, I am seriously starting to think my 4 year old is autistic as well, she’s really challenging, I can’t leave her alone for a second (I’ve posted before) she trashes the house and needs constant supervision, she also has the most awful tantrums and is really aggressive, she gets angry very easily and especially after school where they say she is as good as gold (masking?) but after school especially she is always very angry and the smallest things set her off. Anyway a couple of days ago after school she had one of her melt downs simply over her coat, she said I didn’t take it off but she didn’t ask me to and normally does it herself. It was so aggressive, she just started hitting me kicking me biting me repeatedly, scratching me and doing the same to her siblings, she also started doing it to her self and scratching her face, she wouldn’t stop and it was really awful, to try to get her to stop I said I was going to video her and show it to my mum (who she is also as good as gold for) I of course wasn’t really going to show anyone it was just a desperate attempt to get her to stop as nothing was working and she was screaming for 45 mins. Anyway eventually she stopped but she had a scratch down her face, I sent her to school and explained to reception who told me they would pass on the message, anyway today I went to pick up my daughter from school and was confronted by a teacher asking about the scratch, it seemed quite clear she didn’t believe me this was all done at the front gate in front of other parents the tone was quite accusing, I felt like she was accusing me as I explained my daughter done it to herself but she raised her eyebrow and said really? I told her that I did tell reception but she claimed the message wasn’t passed on and despite the woman who I told standing right there she didn’t say anything at all. Anyway I’m unhappy with the way it happened and the way I was approached especially in front of other parents, couldn’t have it been done privately? Has this happened to anyone else and how would you expect The school to approach it? My other children heard it so the other parents definitely did. I didn’t get a phone call or anything to ask me about it, I understand about safeguarding and everything but surely there are ways to go around things rather than doing it publicly?

I wouldn’t be happy about that either. My daughter is autistic and we have a home school book so we can tell the school of what zone of regulation she is in, any issues etc and things like you describe. Not only does this avoid discussing my daughter in front of the other parents it also avoids having conversations in front of her.

I would definitely raise this with school.

You poor thing that sounds so stressful.

The last post sounds like a great system but presumably they only have that in place due to SEN which you say hasn't been diagnosed.

I'm not sure what the first point of contact would be but I've found the school nurse service pretty helpful. I agree it sounds like she is masking and would push for some assessment.

That wasn’t well handled by the school at all. Go to your Gp and go through all the behaviour you’ve been struggling with to get a referral as doesn’t sound like school would help.

@Angel2702

I wouldn’t be happy about that either. My daughter is autistic and we have a home school book so we can tell the school of what zone of regulation she is in, any issues etc and things like you describe. Not only does this avoid discussing my daughter in front of the other parents it also avoids having conversations in front of her.

I would definitely raise this with school.

When my son was in mainstream the Senco gave me a communication book but the teacher didn’t use it. She said there were 30 kids in the place and she didn’t have time to read/ write in a book

Ideas:
Record your injuries.
Keep your other kids separate from her as much as possible until she has calmed
Feed her on the school grounds
Let her carry a heavy bag.
I used to hold mine tight and rock them ; looked awful but they were a danger to theirself/ others
A bear hug can be calming to some. Rocking too.

Good luck

Mostly get down to the GP and ask for a referral.

Some schools will blame you even though they are the root of the problem and the child is disabled.

Not handled well at school

Do you otherwise rate the teacher?

You need some support OP. I would ask for a private meeting with the teacher and the head. Not to complain about this. Move on. Instead to explain your concerns. Get them on board

If your eldest diagnosed
You are presumably very familiar with the system?

Film tne meltdowns, it can be a massive help on the road to support. Obviously only if your both safe and it’s not going to aggravate things.

We have found when coming in from school we need a zero pressure environment. No talking, no demands, sensory lights and toys ready. After about half an hour we will start to slowly do things.

What a shit teacher. If there is a safeguarding issue it is NEVER brought up with a parent and I’d discussed with the DSL and certainly not in front of other parents. I’m truly shocked at the incompetence.
WRT your dd, I’d go through the GP too. The school sounds shit.

I have a 4 year old girl who is in the process of ASD diagnosis, your daughter does sound quite similar.

Her issues were flagged up by the school, though I'd had my suspicions something wasn't right.

If your older child has ASD how were they diagnosed? I think it varies in different areas. Maybe try your GP? I do think filming is ok evidence to them she is actually having meltdowns, it's not like you are sharing it on Facebook or something.

In practical terms, I basically don't demand anything off my daughter when she gets home. She gets her iPad with headphones on, a snack and a drink and I leave her alone to chill out. Usually after about half an hour she will come looking for me wanting to see what I'm up to and is quite calm.

I’ve been in denial a bit I guess about the asd I put it down to just being her age, she’s the total opposite of my daughter and met all her milestones so I just kept putting behaviour down to her age, it was only when I posted on here that people Said it wasn’t typical 4 year old behaviour. My daughter I knew something wasn’t right from 2 and the GP referred us. I do have the whole thing on video (like I said I just filmed her to stop her as I thought it might work this was after being bitten several times) so I do actually have proof of what happened, the video shows her scratching her face.

As a teacher that's totally off from the class teacher and l would speak to the principal so she can instruct that teacher in the proper protocol. I definitely would not let it go and discuss how reception didn't pass on the message. Stay calm but assertive.
It is very regular for a child with autism to have a melt down after school so do start moving on having her diagnosed. Some good suggestions here on how to..perhaps..stop the melt downs or reduce them by iimmediate nterventions after school eg snack at gate.