Am I a monster? TW

[JoborPlay]

Discussion of baby loss below.

It's baby loss awareness week and I hate it. I hate it not because it reminds me of the 2 pregnancies I lost but because it makes me feel like a monster for having no feelings about those losses.

The stories about women feeling such sadness, friends posting lamentations about children they never met. And me, thinking I can't even remember when they happened- I have vague ideas but that's because of things that happened at the time; the first was shortly after my sister's birthday party so mid September, the second around Easter weekend so must be March or April.

Am I a monster for not really being bothered by them? At the time I wasn't either, no crying. Just a "oh right, well that's that" sort of feeling. And whilst the first was a shock pregnancy, number 2 was not.

I also don't think others are wrong for feeling how they do, and I give empathy and compassion to those. I just don't know anyone who feels as I do.

Of course you’re not a monster. Everyone deals with situations and life events, sad or happy, in different ways, and this is how you dealt with your losses.
I expect others do feel as you do, but possibly feel they may get judged for expressing their feelings, and so you don’t hear much about it.

Not at all. I am the same. I had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks before I had my children and I never think about it. I couldn't tell you when my due date was even the year that it happened. Like you I was just very pragmatic about the situation. I don't think it makes us monsters, nobody expects my dh to lament about the child he never met so I don't see why they should expect it of me.

I had a missed miscarriage a few years ago. It wasn't planned and I mainly just felt mildly freaked out, hormonal and then relieved, to be honest. I only remember the year because we were abroad and I couldn't bear the smell of the resort..! Dp thought I was mad at the time.

I think losing a longed for pregnancy would have felt immeasurably different.

I feel the same about my missed miscarriage. It was a planned pregnancy and at the time I was devastated but I got fed up of people’s sympathy & wanted to move on. I’ll admit though that right from the start something didn’t feel ‘right’ with the pregnancy. I’ve been lucky enough to go on & have 2 healthy children & no further losses but I can imagine multiple losses & struggling to conceive would be totally different.

Well surely it depends entirely on a) how longed for the baby was and b) how many weeks along the pregnancy was.

A miscarriage at 8 weeks of an unplanned pregnancy versus a miscarriage at 16 weeks (or god forbid much more) of a longed for pregnancy.
No comparison.

Not to mention other factors such as the woman's age or how the miscarriage happened and the care received.

Of course you're not a monster, in any way. How you feel is exactly right for you. I know several women who had pregnancy losses and weren't upset in the slightest, in fact, they were relieved if anything. There is no "correct" way to feel.

I had two early miscarriages (both before 8 weeks). I was very upset at the time, because I wanted a baby, but I was lucky enough to fall pregnant again within a few months each time, so I did end up with a baby, and that was that. I honestly don't still mourn the losses, and I never viewed them as babies.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that I love my kids so much, I'm almost grateful for the two losses, otherwise I wouldn't have these exact same kids here today.

But same as you, I don't feel at all like other women are pathetic or self indulgent or anything for being more affected by their losses. I do sometimes feel guilty for not being more upset myself.

@whatisheupto

Well surely it depends entirely on a) how longed for the baby was and b) how many weeks along the pregnancy was.

A miscarriage at 8 weeks of an unplanned pregnancy versus a miscarriage at 16 weeks (or god forbid much more) of a longed for pregnancy.
No comparison.

Not to mention other factors such as the woman's age or how the miscarriage happened and the care received.

You see, for me it didn't particularly. A late term miscarriage possibly may have.

1 was unplanned, about 13 weeks and then it took me 7 years to get pregnant again and I miscarried at 9 weeks. No care received either time, 1 missed miscarriage but started spontaneously after the scan and 1 just happened out the blue.

I don't feel much about my miscarriage. I had 2 kids, this was our attempt at a 3rd. I was probably about 10 weeks, the miscarriage itself was not hard on my body, my periods returned fairly quickly and I got pregnant again fairly quickly and I had a healthy baby.

It was "just one of those things", something obviously wasn't meant to be.

But you know, I have 3 healthy kids, I'm lucky. I can afford to be philosophical about it.

I wouldn't ever say that in real life, I realise it's tactless.

You are not a monster, just because your feelings are different, they are equally valid.
MCs happen - especially in the first 3 months - and are a very normal part of life. Mine happened when I was trying to get pregnant.

I’ve wondered this too. Not whether I’m a monster because I’m not, but why I never hear the view of how I felt about my miscarriage echoed. I had two children, planned another, was delighted when I got pregnant but when I miscarried I just thought ‘there was probably something wrong with it so let’s try again’. Didn’t feel sad really. Got pregnant again quickly and had my third child.
I never voice this because I wouldn’t want to upset anyone, but when I hear men on tv or the radio saying things like ‘it’s devastating for every woman who goes through it’, I think ‘no it’s not’.
I suppose people who feel the way we feel, op, don’t really bother to talk about it because we don’t even think about it much. I couldn’t even really say what time of year it was now, I’d have to work it out based on when dd was born. More people feel deeply sad about miscarriages than don’t, and we keep quiet about our feelings so as not to upset others and some narratives just capture the way society wants to believe women feel about things like this.
In fact, I’ll go one further: people often say things like ‘although the relationship ended badly and he was awful to me, I wouldn’t have my dcs if I hadn’t met him’ but I just think, wonderful as my children are, if I hadn’t had them, I’d have had some different ones and I’d love the same amount. It’s not an acceptable view to hold though.

I also had a miscarriage (8 weeks) when DS was a year old and after one or two good cries, I just put it behind me. I am quite a pragmatic person and believe that it just wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t feel any attachment as to me it wasn’t a viable baby yet.

I also felt bad for not feeling devastated and so I looked online and all I could see about miscarriages is how devastating they are etc, even the Miscarriage Association said words to that effect. I don’t know why info can’t just say that ‘you may have all sorts of feelings and that’s ok etc.’ The MA seems to have more neutral wording these days.

Everyone should feel how they want to feel about their loss, and I particularly feel for those women who have repeated losses.

I do sometimes think that women should bear in mind that miscarriage is very common with 1 in 3 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, and if this does happen it doesn’t mean that you will never have children. For me personally, getting excited too quickly in pregnancy that I will have a baby at the end of it is felt too much to hope for so I preferred to not get emotionally attached in the first trimester.

(disclaimer: of course, there are women who will never have a child and I cannot imagine how devastating this is).

It never occurred to me that I would be considered a monster . It was early, 8 weeks, and it was just one of those things. I remember the date vaguely because my bf announced her pregnancy the same week and her DD is now my godchild.

Any internet search or thread on MN will always use emotive words to describe how devastating and heart-wrenching miscarriages are, so those who don’t feel these emotions to the same extent keep silent, perhaps to avoid hurting others or being misunderstood as heartless etc.

I’ve had a miscarriage and was sad for a week or so then got on with life. To me, it was not meant to be and there was probably something wrong with the embryo. Women should be able to feel what they like without judgement from others.

There's no wrong way to deal with a loss. Whatever is right FOR YOU is right

I had 3 miscarriages and then a stillbirth at 29 weeks, I've never thought about it before but I mourn the son I birthed yet rarely think about the m/C's. I don't know if this could be weird.

You're not a monster at all, the fact you feel bad about it shows that.

I don't think my friend who got re-married about 3 years after her first husband's death is a monster, I don't think my friend who is still full on grieving for her husband 5 years after his death is self-indulgent. They are different people who have reacted very differently to similar circumstances. I don't doubt that either loved their husband or think that one must have had a happier marriage than the other. And miscarriage is the same I know some people that were/are deeply affected by a loss and others that shrug if off.
Mine was part of an eight year struggle to have a baby and I was devastated at the time. I only really think about it occasionally now because I have a nephew who is roughly the age that child would have been so when he started school/moved to senior school, became a teenager etc it prompts me that we could have had a child at the stage too.

You’re not a monster, people are just different and so are their situations. I had an early miscarriage of a planned pregnancy, I felt sad for about a week and I have felt fine about it ever since. I am fortunate that I already had a child and went on to have another soon afterwards. I viewed my early pregnancies as a potential baby but not an actual baby. At the time of my miscarriage I googled for stories from women who felt similarly to me, I found some and it helped. I do share my experience when it feels appropriate but I am careful around people who have found their own losses more devastating. I think this thread highlights that it is important for there to be space to share this experience of miscarriage sometimes too.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate everyone sharing their feelings and their losses, shows I'm not alone.

Same.

My DM was almost furious with me for not being more upset. She had had several losses herself and talked about them all the time.

She seemed almost personally insulted that I wasn't that upset about my own, and kept trying to provoke me to be devastated.

I’ve had two early miscarriages. Never think about them.
Was shocked by the first one (because I was at work at the time) but it was really early.
I was devastated by my full term (39+5) stillborn dd. I still mourn her

@Blue4YOU

I’ve had two early miscarriages. Never think about them. Was shocked by the first one (because I was at work at the time) but it was really early. I was devastated by my full term (39+5) stillborn dd. I still mourn her

Sorry for the loss of your daughter. Yes, I can understand that would be totally different.