Accepting that parent needs care

[acceptance]

DM, mid 50s has had disabilities all my life . I did all her care until about two months ago, I burnt out, exhausted and couldn't cope anymore.

I'd by that point had two pretty serious nervous breakdowns and needing my own mental health care.

Mum has been assessed by social work, home care team etc and she's going to need care four times a day at minimum plus extra self funded hours for leisure and social stuff . That's great they want to help and I wish they'd done it years ago before I ended up with my own serious mental health difficulties .

I was trying to explain to my sister last night, she has multiple LDs of her own and she aptly said she was happy and relieved that mum will get help, but very sad too .

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night - mum's problems are huge, they're seeming quite progressive, and I'm very scared of the future - I'm scared that whatever is wrong will ultimately see my mum's end, God forbid . My sister said she feels she can rely on me to help her and guide her but I'm not her mum, and I am devastated that I seem to be losing mine .

I had a huge panic attack over the weekend, I'm not eating well, I'm feeling very shaky and wobbly and I'm tearful .

I've highlighted to sister that she has a big family, lots of relatives who could/would help her but I suspect she feels the same as me that they aren't mum . We've been a family the three of us since my dad left twenty five years ago and although it sounds ridiculously childish I feel like I'm losing my family.

I haven't talked to any relatives in rl, I suspect they'll think I'm being a bit dramatic maybe, and I should be happy mum is getting support, but I'm gutted that she needs support iyswim, I'd rather she was just my mum again .

I'm sitting in a mess, I haven't done much at all since the weekend - showering etc but not eating good - just sitting drifting from panic attack to panic attack and counting down the hours til bed again and I don't know what to do for the best . I think I need RL support but where do you go? I haven't got any friends I can ask for help really, sadly .

I do have a good friend who's in a similar boat in that her dad needs care, but she's 55 and he's 80, so feels totally different iyswim - that's the way things should be, I shouldn't have to be worrying about this at 30 and sister just 28 .

Have a wee look on Facebook for unpaid carers support group UK. Getting the care package in place will bring you relief but as you're finding out a whole lot of other emotions too. You do feel like why do i have to deal with social services and all this horrible stuff when I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life. You're not alone in feeling that and you don't need to feel bad for feeling that way

Thank you, I will do . The whole situation is devastating, I just want my mum back to normal . I'm so so incredibly anxious constantly, my support worker was saying on the phone to think of all I've managed already and that I can manage this too but I don't feel like I can . And stupidly jealous of other family/friends who aren't facing this, it doesn't seem fair.

Be kind to yourself. You have done all you could do for your Mum. You now need to give yourself the time you need to recover your health and come to terms with your Mum being cared for by a carer. She must be in a bad way because it is almost unheard of for SS to state care 4 times daily. It is usually twice a day.

@caringcarer

Be kind to yourself. You have done all you could do for your Mum. You now need to give yourself the time you need to recover your health and come to terms with your Mum being cared for by a carer. She must be in a bad way because it is almost unheard of for SS to state care 4 times daily. It is usually twice a day.

Thank you, yes she’s struggling a lot, I wish I knew why . Even with the most basic things like making phone calls . She wouldn’t be safe alone for more than two hours at a time or so . I’m glad she’s going to get help, I just so desperately miss her being able to do mum things and being able to get advice and stuff . I feel so far away, I’m avoiding visiting while family get all this sorted (I’m at uni), I’m feeling so guilty constantly . I don’t like having fun as I know mums unhappy at home and feel bad .

❤️❤️❤️ Reading this made me tearful. Bless you, you’ve done so much and worked so hard. My eldest daughter is only a couple of years younger than you, and I can completely understand your anguish and the sense of loss you’re feeling.

Just wanted to give you an unmumsnetty hug.