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Original poster

Long commutes and family life, is it impossible to have both?

29 replies

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 08:37

I'm currently unemployed thanks to being made redundant. I had the higher salary of the two, and to be able to afford our mortgage, I'd have to get at least a very similar salary. It's fairly early days as this is just the second week of active job seeking and I've already landed two interviews. One job keeps the status quo really nicely and the other one involved a 120mi daily commute, it's also more money, but that's secondary. I feel like we're in a situation that beggars can't be choosers, however my DH as much as he understands this he thinks our family life as we know it will end. We'd stop seeing the other DC asuch (as their other parents don't let them come to our place in public transport, and realistically we'd be able to pick them up around 630), I'll be knackered, etc... I don't think it's the end of the world, and yes I'd rather get the other job, but we've got bills to pay. The better paid job might be able to have some flexibility built into it, but it's hard to know yet.

OP posts:

TheUnbearable · 13/10/2021 09:04

How much would the long commute actually cost? my friend has a huge commute of 2.5 hours each way by car and train. I’m seeing her at last on Saturday and she looked like utter shite the last time I saw her plus no dc to complicate anything. How much more money % wise?

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 09:08

According to our estimates commuting would be around £350pcm (maybe up to £400). Salary wise it's £40k Vs £65k

OP posts:

Ylvamoon · 13/10/2021 09:09

Well it depends. I would definitely go for the job with shorter commute. Comuting is tiering.
But in the end, you have to take what is offered. If the worst comes to the worst you can always do the job for 12 months and then start job hunting again.

Divebar2021 · 13/10/2021 09:13

I’m not sure I’m clear. Is that 120mile commute or minute commute? As in 2 hour daily commute because if so then that’s less than a lot of commuters in and around London do. Obviously the closer job would be preferable but if I was only offered the second I would take it and suck it up for the time it takes to find something that suits better. As for the other children - I’m not sure why that needs the pair of you to do the collection but hopefully if it came to it it would only be short lived. You don’t really have the luxury of turning jobs down if you can’t pay the mortgage. Good luck with your applications.

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 09:16

It's 60mi by car each way. I have to cross a toll bridge and some bits are on A roads. Total time we're talking about 3 hrs in the car 5 days a week.

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Divebar2021 · 13/10/2021 09:28

Well I don’t doubt it’s tiring but it’s not an impossible distance. I’ve done longer commutes but I wasn’t driving so can’t advise about that aspect. I can see it’s not ideal but I wouldn’t particularly worry about it at the moment since 1) you might not get the job 2) you might be offered the other job. I know you don’t know the details but Is it the kind of job with potential for WFH? Even one day on a Wednesday or Friday could make a difference to the overall fatigue.

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 09:40

I'm not entirely sure I can WFH, but I don't see why not? At least a couple of days a week, or have reduced hours a couple of days even if I pay them back at home or something ..

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hazelnutlatte · 13/10/2021 09:53

If you have only been job seeking 2 weeks and have 2 interviews already then it sounds like you probably won't have huge difficulties in getting another job - in which case I would hold out for a something closer to home. You may as well go to the interview though, as you might be able to negotiate WFH for most of the week.
I used to have a 45 mile commute each way to work but traffic was awful so it would take me between 1.5-2 hours each way - it was completely draining and I would never do it again. I had to leave the house at 6am, and it was awkward at work too - as I would need to leave by 4- 4.30pm due to childcare and would sometimes have to miss meetings etc.

leakymcleakleak · 13/10/2021 09:54

Honestly OP, its absolutely hellish and not worth any amount of money.

I did it for a short while - a similar sounding commute, 90 minutes each way but on the bus so I could do things however with a walk/short tube either side. I was exhausted, I just got home and crashed. Couldn't do evening things during the week, definitely wouldn't want to do it with a baby. DH did it for years and it was brutal, and he had some flexibility and WFH built in. Slightly longer than your commute, but again, anything that involves roads is so unpredictable: you could have traffic or bad weather, you will never have a certain time you can make it home for.

I'm not sure I understand the situation with the children - do you have your own children or are you exclusively taking about step children? Certainly there's no way I'd do it 5 days a week, you 'lose' so much family time every day particularly if they're small enough that you could be getting home shortly before bedtime.

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 09:57

We have both @leak but our toddler is a "party animal" and he's used to go to bed closer to 9, so I know I'd still see him. It's a funny place to be in, because I feel like "needs must".

OP posts:

AaalrightyThen · 13/10/2021 10:03

I would go for the interview for both and decide if offered. If you could work from home two or three days a week that could be a great compromise.
Is the further away job a step up - much bigger salary - and is making progression something else to consider here? Short term pain for long term gain type of thing?

DinosaurOfFire · 13/10/2021 10:06

Do you have children who you claim child benefit for? As if your salary goes over the 60k mark you lose it/ have to pay it back. So that should be factored into costs- anything over 50k you start to pay back a percentage of the child benefit. You will also be a higher rate tax payer. DH is now on 65k and we worked out that, with losing child benefit and also paying higher rate tax, he would be essentially recieving 30% of his wage over 50k, so only 4.5k of that annually. What we have done instead is put the 15k into his pension so it is taxfree, and then everything balances as his annual income after that is 50k. Would you need to pay extra childcare for children living at home/ extra maintenance for children who don't live with you, if you don't have them as much anymore.

So if you look at your commute as £400 a month, without the extra wear and tear on the car (tyres, engine, etc), thats £4800 annually on fuel. Add maybe an extra £25 a month for additional wear and tear, that's £300 annually. (It could be more or less, just a rough estimate) so out of the 10k over 40k, you would be taking home roughly half of that. Add on the 30% of 15k annually, and you are taking home an extra 9.5k. Is it worth the loss of 15 hours a week, potentially not seeing other children and any that live at home with you on working days, and being out of the house from... 7.30 till 6.30 every day, in order to earn 9.5k more annually, or £790 monthly?

If it is, and it is the kind of job that means your career progresses faster, then it may be worth it for you. For my household, that commute would mean the extra money wouldn't be worth it for us.

If you don't have kids living at home then ignore the child benefit part of my calculations!

SiulaGrande · 13/10/2021 10:16

I have some experience of similar but the commute was train and I think driving is worse. On balance and with hindsight, I would have chosen to move the mortgage to interest only for the early years of DC's life, and primary school, because there were some awful tired times and the impact on family life isn't worth it when there are still a couple of decades of working life after that time to get back to focusing on earning more.

In post pandemic times, we are working from home 3 days a week, the long commute is just about okay at 2 days a week along with DC in secondary school.

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 10:33

I think interview went well but definitely no WFH!

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ChequerBoard · 13/10/2021 10:45

I would take the higher paid job and stick it out for as long as it takes to get a job that is more conveniently located on a similar salary.

I really wouldn't take such a big down drop in salary, even temporarily as it will be much harder to climb back up to a job on £65k from a £40k job.

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 10:50

I guess that line of work is not necessarily remote, so something to think about... The other one is and most likely will always be even if partially.

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olivehater · 13/10/2021 10:55

I would take the lower paid job if offered. A huge chunk of the 65K will be swallowed up by tax, cost of commuting and paying people to do stuff you can’t, ie cleaner etc. You will also lose child benefits.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2021 10:58

Yo u say the bother kids - yours or his? How much do you currently see them vs with new job?

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 10:59

I much prefer the lower paid one, but depends what I get offered.

OP posts:

Dollartuckedinsidemyshoe · 13/10/2021 10:59

I did for a while with 2 young teens and it broke me. I changed jobs 2 years ago and sometimes think I’m still feeling the effects.

Mine was a drive too and at least once a fortnight there’d be an accident or roadworks that made the drive even longer. It doesn’t just impact your working week, you spend the weekend exhausted and trying to recover as well.

Unless you’ve no other option at all I honestly wouldn’t consider it.

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 11:01

With my previous role I would spend the rest of the late afternoon with my toddler, obviously I would lose that, which is a shame but, we need to pay the mortgage! The other DC is more from my DHs POV as I used to do school runs, so everything would have to be moved around due my new schedule

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SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2021 11:33

So can he facilitate the school runs or does it mean that he could now only see them one Saturday a month instead of 3 times a week?

I know it's his kids but it's also your marriage/relationship

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 11:51

Yes pretty much the latter @sleeping. But we need an income and my income potential is almost triple than his

OP posts:

fiorentina · 13/10/2021 12:44

I commute 90 mins each way with 2 DC and am the main earner. It is tiring but I leave v early so that I can be home by 6.30pm and see the kids. My DH facilitates school run etc, we did previously have a part time nanny too. I do now WFH 2 days a week which is helpful. Is that an option?
Does the higher paid role offer more long term potential as well?

Original poster

Terribleluck · 13/10/2021 12:53

Neither my DH now I would be able to WFH. I did think of an au-pair, but she'd have to have a driver's license. I don't know how flexible they'd be with me leaving early, probably not much.

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