Granmar check

[OhFFSitsyouagain]

I wanted to ask if this email is grammatically correct? DP is always nitpicking at my grammar (in a lighthearted way but it's starting to piss me off). I intend to send it to the school and have changed some details so its not outing, but I thought I'd check with the wise mumsnetters more out of curiosity than anything else.

Whom It May Concern

My son, DS1, has been allocated a place in the October activity camp and I was really hoping if, at all possible, it isn't too late and we could change it to the camp in December. Unfortunately I failed to realise that the transition week falls on an important birthday. We had hoped to travel to Scotland and spend a few days celebrating with my father inlaw, who is very poorly and wishes to see the grandchildren after such a long time. We feel we need to make it a memorable occasion due to his deteriorating health.

Sorry for any inconvenience, please let me know if this is possible.

Regards
Me.

hang on, i'll rewrite it for you.

Grammar aside I wonder if you're over-explaining; do you need to divulge your FIL's health circumstances? Feels quite personal. Ditto where you're going, the birthday, etc.

Maybe something like this...?

Dear [TeacherName or AdminName]

My son [DS1] has been allocated a place in the activity camp for XXth to XXth October.

However, due to ill health in the family our plans for October have recently changed and this date is no longer convenient.

I would like to propose that DS1 attends the camp planned for XXth to XXth December instead.

I trust that we will be able to make this change, and I'm sorry for the short notice regarding the October dates. DS1 is keen to attend the activity camp and will be extremely disappointed if he is unable to go.

I hope we can arrange something that suits both us and the school. Please let me know if you need any further information or details from me at this stage.

Kind regards

OhFFS

Re: Ds1 and October activity camp

Dear Ms Smith,

My son, DS1, has been allocated a place in the October activity camp. Could it be changed to the camp in December, please?

During the October transition week, we would like to travel to Scotland to spend a few days celebrating a landmark birthday with my father-in-law. My father-in-law, DS1’s grandfather, is unwell and wishes to see the grandchildren after such a long time. Due to his deteriorating health we feel we need to make it a memorable occasion, and we suspect that this is likely to be a last opportunity to be with him as a family.

Please let me know if it would be possible for DS1 to attend the December activity camp instead of the October camp.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

Regards
FFS Itsmeagain (Mrs)

BSJ's is better than mine.

I love how “grammar” is incorrect in your title. That sort of thing happens in every grammar thread.

I agree that your letter is a overly detailed and I think @BIoodyStupidJohnson‘s version is good. You’ve asked for grammar mistakes to be pointed out so here are a couple to think about :

My son, DS1, has been allocated a place in the October activity camp and I was really hoping if, at all possible, it isn't too late and we could change it to the camp in December.

Your commas are in odd places. “If at all possible” is a complete phrase so shouldn’t have a comma after the “if”. If you take out the bits between the commas, it’s easier to see that your sentence doesn’t really make sense.

My son has been allocated a place in the October activity camp and I was really hoping if it isn't too late and we could change it to the camp in December.

Sorry for any inconvenience, please let me know if this is possible.

This is a comma splice. You’ve got two independent clauses so you need a conjunction.

Thank you!

I do have a habit of oversharing and mistake in the title is very typical of me

Your original was OK, OP. No need to be embarrassed. I resisted the urge to say granpar check

@KirstenBlest that made me lol!

DP has a point I need to improve my English. It's a second language for me but having spent so many years here there's no excuse really.

@OhFFSitsyouagain, second language English speakers often have much better English than monoglots because they had to learn it.

Your English is better than that of many on MN.

What is your mother tongue?

@KirstenBlest Portuguese :) I'm not much of a reader. I know that if I took a greater interest in reading then my grammar would likely improve.

DH hasn't been able to pick up my native language! I'd love if he decided to learn because nothing would give me greater pleasure than to nitpick

If you’d sent the first draft as it was, nobody would have batted an eyelid about the spelling or grammar. Honestly, you have nothing to worry about.

I’m intrigued about which language is your native tongue. Would it be super outing?

Obrigada!

Of course he hasn't, yet he nitpicks.