DH, Ex and Grown Up Kids...Dynamics

[NormallyFairlyLevelHeaded]

Some background. We have always all got on well - it was an amicable divorce. Also, their grown up son passed away 2 years ago. They are still grieving but doing OK.

Now, every time his kids come round, the ex comes too. For dinner, out for dinner, out for a walk, to the shops. The kids are in their 20s and live with her and are likely to do so for the foreseeable.

DH knows it's ticking me off, but he wants to see his kids. It also doesn't really bother him having her round all the time - whereas she's a more dominant character than I am and I feel I get a bit lost. The kids feel bad leaving their mum out of stuff. I do my own things but I''m not sure long term that's really going to work.

What can we do/suggest/try to see more of the kids without the ex? Or do I just accept that this is part of the grieving process and it'll sort itself out.

That is strange. Have you asked her why she keeps turning up?

Could your DH break up the habit by arranging to see his kids one on one rather than as a group event?
I kind of understand as my MIL is single and when I first met my DH he and his siblings wouldn't dream of doing anything just siblings without bringing her along as she would feel left out.
It made it difficult to get to know my DH's siblings so we used to meet with just one at a time so there wasn't a big event happening that my MIL was being excluded from.
To be honest she still wasn't happy about it but there has to be a line.
I think it has had a bad effect on the siblings adult relationships with each other though, real closeness hasn't had room to be developed as everything happens in a group.
So it would probably help your DHs relationship with his adult children to spend time with just them as individuals and have the added benefit of changing the 'norm' around family meet ups.

@pinkyredrose I think she's lonely, she's not great at boundaries, and frankly always been a bit of a freeloader. She lost a lot of her friends while their son was ill as she was away a lot looking after him. Her family lives a long way away. She never really made a new life for herself after the divorce. She kind of did but then with the son being ill that all got lost.

DH seeing the kids individually would work.