Please help me get through today!

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

DD was one on Sunday. She has yet to sleep through, normally waking 2-3 times for a feed. Last night she was awful - she has a cough and a cold (not covid) - she was awake for hours.

I'm on my knees with tiredness. 3 year old DS is wilful and defiant and seems to be constantly trying to destroy, hurt or break things or people. The slightest thing causes an emotional breakdown. My patience is zero and I'm so so tired.

I'm on citalopram and my gp said she could refer me to some early years help. They phoned yeterday - their sum help was offering a baby group on a day I work.

I actually feel broken.

Fresh air is the answer! Is there a park you can take them to? Lots of running around and maybe they’ll nap?

I'll go to the park this morning once DD has had her morning nap.

*@DueyCheatemAndHow * you poor thing. Even though it was 20 year ago I remember only too well when my 3 were at this stage. My eldest never really slept until he was around 2 (except in the pram when I was walking him or the car when driving )and by then we had DS #2 so they alternated wake up times and I went through several months of waking up for one or the other every 60-90 minutes! Just got them sorted 2 years later when DD came along . She didn't ever really sleep through until she was 9 as we had all sorts of issues with bed wetting for 7 years! All three of mine had healthy diets, lots and lots of fresh air and exercise, very few illnesses - they just didn't sleep well!

I can't offer any worldly advice as absolutely nothing worked for my 3. I became addicted to coffee, was a shouty mum, their dad was amazing but he worked shifts so tended to get more sleep anyway albeit at weird times! I can only offer sympathy and the promise that you WILL get through this, your children will grow up and become amazing young people.

Be kind to yourself. Make the day as stress free as possible, allow screens, take easy feeding options and obviously nap if they do.

Tell yourself that today isn't the day for being supermum - and make sure you have plenty of coffee on hand!!

The park if you are up for it but also - there is nothing wrong with having a whole day of being at home, watching TV for 3 year old and doing whatever keeps 1 year old happy and gives you a break. Can you run them a big bath and give them lots of toys for bath, even a little snack to have in there. You can sit in the bathroom drinking coffee! Good luck getting through the day

Unfortunately I need to work if they sleep. Poor DD can't nap, her cough is waking her up.

@blobby10 thank you so much. I'm shouting mum atm and I hate it

DueyCheatemAndHow I hated the way I shouted too. I was so lucky to have an amazing mum nearby who kept reminding me that I wasn't 'bad' because I shouted cos I was exhausted. They are all over 21 now but my children don't remember me as a shouty mum just the mum who was and is always there for them and who is always there with hugs and kisses when they need it, who always encouraged them to try their best and that it didn't matter if they weren't perfect! xx Take care of yourself

Do you have a garden? Might be easier than taking an ill one year old as well as a three year old to the park!

Definitely agree with the fresh air idea- even if you sit outside on the grass with a blanket and some toys.

Yes but I need to go to the chemist anyway. 3 year old is being an arsehole. He just damages and throws and tips stuff. So fed up

Take them to the chemist, detour via the park, take some sandwiches and snacks with you.
When you get home, give the 3 yr old play doh or craft stuff. Is he safe with pritt stick, scissors, magazines and paper? Or digging a patch in the garden and making a dinosaur land or similar.
Then snack and screens.

Go to the chemist in the car. Take a picnic basket with you in case and walk via the park too. Consider things like a pritt stick, scissors and magazines plus some craft supplies.

OP you sound so defeated with it all - it must be dreadful for you. I’m working so haven’t read the full thread - is there another mum who could help for a few hours?- you could then Babysit for her another time?. I honestly think there should be some sort of babysitting repository. At our last family gathering myself and my sisters were bemoaning the fact that the youngest baby in our family is 17. We are all dying to babysit- it seems no one near us is having babies!!

Its tricky at the moment as she is sick, but as soon as she is better crack on with sorting out the sleep. She doesnt need 2 to 3 feeds a night for nutrition…so she is comfort sucking to help herself get back to sleep. You can teach her to suck her fingers etc and when you get a full night of sleep a 3 year old is much easier to tolerate. If you want help with strategies there are lots of vipers on here who have made it through that battle and can make suggestions

Thank you everyone.
Today was as hard as I thought it would be..I was so tired. We walked to the chemist and then went to the park for a little bit then came home for lunch. After naps we went to the library and the recycling bins (DD likes sorting the cardboard and glass)

He's been tough today. He poured all his water on to his lunch (he had eaten a fair bit first). He just grins when he does stuff like this but it's constant. We had opened some of DD's presents - he just rampaged through them and I was explaining that they were DD's (he had been bought 3 presents from us and others so he did have something!) but I turned round to find him opening the last one and I'd told him not to and I'm ashamed to say I pushed him away from it. I did the same thing when I was changing DD's nappy and he tried to jump on her. I accidentally hurt him when he was riding on my shoulders this afternoon and decided to hit me round the head. It really hurt and I yanked him off me. He was only on my shoulders because he decided to try and run over people's driveways on his bike and then refused to move when I told him to get off.

I've felt nothing but exhaustion and guilt today. I don't want to be angry. I want to be a lovely mum. But his behaviour and her sleep is killing all of us. Everything is hard - cleaning teeth he runs away, watching TV it's the wrong episode so he has a meltdown, dinner he spills on purpose or throws his cutlery.
I couldn't give him more attention. I constantly try to give him one to one time. But I seem to just endlessly change nappies, prepare meals, change outfits take DS to the loo or stop people from crying. When we do manage a game of something the baby just walks all over it and no matter what I distract her with she seems to know what to try and trample through.
I need to night wean her, I know. She just cried for hours, even after being consoled by DH. I'm just scared about it.

On paper it looks great. They want for nothing. Meals are home cooked and meticulously planned for nutrition. Toys are plentiful. Love is plentiful. But I'm so tired and sometimes the anger just bubbles up..I don't want to be that person. I remember how frightened I was of my dad.

I've just been in his bedroom to put his duvet back on as he'd thrown it out. He is asleep on his tummy with his bottom in the air like when he was a baby. I feel awful.

I don't expect anyone to read this essay. But it was helpful to write it down.

Sorry that should say DS likes sorting the recycling!

@Emerarta unfortunately there is no one. Their godmother takes DD on a Monday morning so I can take DS to his swimming lesson but that's it. Inlaws moved 500 miles away the week before DD was born and my parents parents frail and not mentally stable enough to look after small children.

Oh my love, it’s so so hard, and then they look all cute asleep and the guilt just gets worse.
First of all - this will get better, this stage will pass.
You just need to get through each day at the moment.
It’s so difficult when they’re poorly too.
Remember to praise the good behaviour, ignore the bad behaviour as much as possible, as long as he’s not hurting anyone or being unsafe. Pouring water over his dinner? ‘ ok ds you’ve had enough? No problem.’ Then the plate is taken away and cleared up. Ignore tantrums as much as you can, tell him that when he’s ready to play nicely, or watch the tv nicely then he can let you know. It won’t change things overnight. But you will get there.
Keep posting, there’s loads of advice on here, loads of people who understand and who have been exactly where you are.
tomorrow is another day x

Oh @DueyCheatemAndHow it does improve. I have a similar gap between my girls and I’d say when the eldest was 3-4 and the younger was 1-2 was the hardest time. They didn’t nap in sync, the older one was cross because “the baby” ruined all of her games, they would squabble over toys etc. The days felt a thousand years long and I’d stand on the precipice of each day thinking “I’ve just got get through this”. I was so jealous of my husband going to work and just thinking about work. I was still teaching in a school back then so work was tough and full on and I had planning and prep to do on my days “off” with two toddlers running riot as I tried to plan too set MacBeth to the sound of The Twirlywoos. So so terrible. And even when I was at school I was the one who got all the calls about them being poorly or miserable or whatever from the nursery or my mum and dad (who had them on one of my work days). I felt like all I did was prepare meals that I then ended up scraping off of the floor, do washing and tidy up the same bits of the house that turned into war zones again within minutes of me tidying them.

The good news is that it gets better fast. Once the eldest was in school things started to look up and now they’re 5 and 7 and actually good company. They still squabble a bit but are more evenly matched so I’m not constantly pulling the big one off of the little one. They can eat without the table and surrounding floor looking like a herd of hungry elephants just came through. I still do a lot of tidying up but not to the same level; I’m not literally putting the house back together three times a day. And they sleep! Most of the time all night!

Don’t put pressure on yourself to night wean yet if you don’t want to but equally if you do buckle in for three bad nights where you sleep elsewhere and your husband deals with her and it’ll be done. Honestly, my eldest was the worst for night wakings for a feed even at just turned two, but I had to wean her because I was pregnant and knackered. Three bad nights and she never mentioned breast milk again. I put in my earplugs in the spare room and DH dealt with it. It improved my quality of life after that because she slept more and would sleep more easily for DH.

And as everyone pretty much has already said here already: no shame in screens. If all else fails, get Disney+ on and know that many other mothers the world over are doing the same.

It does get better. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing good.

Oh crikey thank you for reading and for being so kind.

I put stupid pressure on myself. Had this image of a cake for DD. It took me hours and then I didn't think I needed cake dowels for it so half it collapsed when we got to the venue. I patched it up but... why?? Why make life harder?

I lived abroad when my first two Ds's were at this stage, one not sleeping at all. I was on my knees with exhaustion. They had these great centres where you could self refer to and the staff would take care of your children and pack you off to a little wooden shed thing in the grounds where there was a bed. They even gave you a hot water bottle and just let you sleep for a few hours. They were amazing and I've often thought their should be something similar here !

That is a very powerful last sentence!

You are, without a doubt, in the most difficult bit of parenting I've ever known. It's survival year now so constantly check yourself - what can I take off pressure wise!?

Does this / will this idea make my life more complicated?

One option is to relax the home cooking as it's a massive energy drain. Can you have 2/3 nights 'off' when it's jacket potato and beans / soup and bread / shop pizza / something and chips and frozen veg???

Do you already batch cook so that could be a further 2 nights even 3 if you can get a huge pot of something versatile.

Pay for help if you can afford it. Ask friends / family to take one child so you can try to enjoy time with the other.

It will pass but it's fucking horrendous whilst it does so please please lower your standards!

That's so helpful, thank you. We have a nanny when I work so I don't have to worry about food for them for 3 days a week which is really helpful.