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Original poster

Positive stories after 40...?

14 replies

NCLookingForInspiration · 11/10/2021 22:35

I've just turned 41 and am single and childless. I would love to have a family but life circumstances that I don't want to dwell on just now have meant that it hasn't happened. I know that the odds are slim but would love to hear of any stories / inspiration from anyone who has gone on to meet a partner and still have a child in their 40s... Does anyone have any happy stories they can share?

OP posts:

Rufus27 · 11/10/2021 22:41

At 39 I’d never lived with anyone before (apart from uni), was not married and had no children.

I’m now 49 with two children and living with DP (we never got around to the marriage bit!).

The biggest thing I had to learn was to stop looking for ‘my type’ and ‘Mr Right’ and instead be more open minded. I also had to learn to live and enjoy my single life rather than living to find a partner. As soon as I stepped back, it just happened.

Original poster

NCLookingForInspiration · 11/10/2021 22:47

Thanks @Rufus27 - if you don't mind me asking, how did you shift your mindset?

OP posts:

Rufus27 · 11/10/2021 22:57

@NCLookingForInspiration

Thanks *@Rufus27* - if you don't mind me asking, how did you shift your mindset?

It wasn’t deliberate as in it wasn’t a conscious decision. Joined a gym, got into a specific sport, joined a local club and ended up on their committee. That took me away from online dating and also meant I was meeting people I wouldn’t normally (ie through wirk/friends) have met.

When I met DP it definitely wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, I remember saying to a friend that of the 10 ‘my type’ boxes he needed to tick, he only ticked one (taller than me), Friend tactfully pointed out that my type obviously wasn’t working so why not try something different.
After about six months I realised she was right!

Original poster

NCLookingForInspiration · 12/10/2021 06:30

Thanks Rufus. I definitely need to get out more and meet new people... the combination of Covid and home working has made this feel like a distant memory!

OP posts:

Hayup · 12/10/2021 06:43

I met DH at 37, engaged at 39, married at 41, baby at 42.

I "went for it" with a friend basically. DH and I had met a few years before we got together and one day I happened to comment on his tweet, he commented back, and we carried on the conversation offline.

Think about your type, where would you meet them? If you don't have a type, the world is your oyster - try parkrun, gym, walking group, book club etc, go and enjoy the company of others, something may evolve naturally.

Best of luck!

Original poster

NCLookingForInspiration · 12/10/2021 21:03

Hopeful evening bump...

OP posts:

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 13/10/2021 08:10

Would you consider going it alone? You might meet someone at any time, but if you want a child your time is unfortunately limited. (I say this from a place of kindness, because I went it alone). I know it's not for everyone

anthurium · 13/10/2021 08:54

To echo what @TakemedowntoPotatoCity

I was 38/39 when I got off the dating treadmill and simply made a decision that I'd had enough of it. I made a fertility check up appt at a clinic in London. I had a blocked fallopian tube but other than that I was extremely fortunate that my clinical picture otherwise was very good for my age (ovarian reserve and general reproductive health). I did IUI which was unsuccessful, my chances of conceiving at this point were less than 20%. I had been advised prior to IUI that IVF would offer better chances (30% success) so I had a break and aged 39 did IVF. I was extremely fortunate and was successful on my first cycle and am now 31 weeks pregnant (with a several frozen embryos in the freezer). I did not expect it to work.

The quality of your eggs deteriorates much faster so as we approach late 30s/early 40s meaning that it takes longer to conceive (if at all) and the rate of chromosomal abnormalities, miscarriages and other pregnancy/birth complications increases (as evidenced in the NHS website). I think the reason why I was successful was also because I'd used a sperm donor whose quality was excellent.

If I were you, I'd make a fertility appt if you haven't already had these checks and see what your options are. If you can't use your own eggs, would you be willing to consider donor eggs? Or embryo donation?

There are options, nothing is guaranteed if you're open minded/flexible how you go about having a family these other options may be possible. Dating further isn't always the answer, and I'm certain for me, it could have easily resulted in having more time wasted and I wasn't willing to settle

anthurium · 13/10/2021 09:20

I also think for a very lucky minority of women who met their partners later in life and managed to have children there are far too many who missed out (in both the family and finding a partner), some make peace with it and others struggle.

You need to explore how you'd feel if you didn't end up having children, have you tried everything possible? How far are you willing to go?

For me having a child was ultimately more important than a relationship as having been married before and been in a few ltr I knew that they could break down again. I also know that theoretically met someone at any age. Having a child is permanent (more so than a relationship) ...

Solo parenting isn't for everyone I agree but there are some excellent resources out there to help you navigate this idea

Original poster

NCLookingForInspiration · 13/10/2021 20:13

Thank you all. So far I haven't wanted to have a child solo but I am aware that I might need to take stock of my options in a more clinical way, iyswim. I am open to the idea of fertility tests, though inevitably alarmed about what they might say.

The sad thing is that I haven't really pursued dating. I had a relationship in my 20s/early 30s that wasn't right, and a combination of that and life events have meant that I have put finding a relationship completely on the back burner for the last few years. Then came Covid.

OP posts:

anthurium · 13/10/2021 20:53

It's not a sad thing Op. I think relationships are a combination of luck and timing (and settling in some cases). I'd dated/been married for the better part of the last 2 decades, however none of it materialised in to a long term, stable relationship where the idea of a family was possible. I was 'spat out' on to the dating market aged 36 and was horrified by the amount of men seeking 'fun' as they'd had their families already/men who'd had vasectomies/etc and the ones who were interested in me I didn't fancy back....it was a very depressing time, I was very down about it all. In total I'd dated for 2/3 years or so.

I'd say it took me about 2 years to really re-frame the paradigm of how to go about this having a family concept... I was still desperately holding on to the established life-script that I'd meet someone, I'd just needed to be patient...

I understand that the idea of fertility checks is somewhat ...uncomfortable/alarming as you put it... but the clinic's aim is to inform you so that you can make better choices rather than live in wishful thinking/denial...

Solo parenting is still seen as...weird by some...although I've had very positive reactions from everyone that I've encountered...not that anyone else's opinion swayed me to go ahead or anything, is that most women and men understand that dating/finding a partner is tough and biology doesn't wait for that.

Original poster

NCLookingForInspiration · 13/10/2021 21:03

Thanks @anthurium. In a funny way I don't actually find it sad, it's more that I pick up on the societal pressure, particularly since turning 40. My long term boyfriend wanted a family but I didn't think he was right. Since then I haven't incidentally met someone that would have made a good father and haven't pursued it myself because I didn't have the rest of my life in order. I could speculate as to why that has been forever, but it wouldn't change the facts. I think I could at least be open to fertility testing.

OP posts:

anthurium · 14/10/2021 06:44

In terms of fertility things don't get better by waiting (especially not in one's late 30s/40s, so it's best to take action as soon as possible.

Also, fertility tests are a snapshot of your current clinical status, they can change (usually deteriorate) or sometimes plateau for a while...the only way to truly know whether one is fertile/without issues is by getting and staying pregnant (which is actually more complicated than what is assumed by most!).

I also found that this concept of 'who would make a good Father' to be a bit of a trope. We don't really know, other than obviously situations where someone's is and their life is quite dysfunctional etc.

Usually, we're projecting attributes on to people that we'd like them to have... until it's actually here (the baby) it's impossible to know for sure (and only retrospectively can we say 'I knew he'd make a good father or not). Again, a lot of men turn out to be not as hands on/involved with the drudgery aspects of child rearing as one would have hoped...so whether in a partnership or not, women need to be prepared that they'll most likely be the ones who do the majority of the work (of course there are exceptions ...).

Good luck with whatever you decide, and let us know how you get on!

Rufus27 · 24/10/2021 10:06

@Rufus27

At 39 I’d never lived with anyone before (apart from uni), was not married and had no children.

I’m now 49 with two children and living with DP (we never got around to the marriage bit!).

I didn’t mention, but it seems relevant now following posters mentioning fertility, both our children are adopted. Adoption isn’t for everyone, but for us it worked brilliantly. It never crosses our mind that they aren’t ours biologically. They are simply ‘ours’.

The majority of people on the course we attended were late 40s/early 50s and a third were single adopters. If I hadn’t have met DP, I’d already intended to look into adopting on my own.

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