8yo boy really struggling with anxiety and fear of death - how can I help him? (atheist)

[BotBotticelli]

Just this really - my little boy who’s in y4 at school and turning 9 soon, seems to be really struggling with his mental health. It’s been getting slowly worse over the past couple of months and now he seems to be in a really bad way.

He has panic attack type symptoms (hyperventilating, crying, sometimes screaming) whenever there’s any change to arrangements for him being picked up/collected from school or any of his clubs. He says he’s scared we will leave him somewhere. He says he feels like something awful is going to happen all the time. He is horrified by the idea of death and a couple of times a week he will be up late crying in his bed after bedtime about the finality of death.

We don’t know anyone who’s died. This has gone beyond a normal developmental awareness of death and upset about it, I think, I have no idea how to console him because although I was raised catholic I am now an atheist. So all the talk about heaven that got me through my childhood without this awful fear, isn’t really an option to me - although when he’s been very upset I have in desperation reminded him that grandma (my mother who’s still very religious) believes in a lovely place called heaven and although I’m not sure, maybe it is true and wouldn’t that be nice? No idea if this is a damaging or confusing thing tk say when I don’t believe it?? But I am just so desperate to give him comfort.

No idea where the fear of being “left somewhere” has come from - I tell him everyday how loved he is, and how we are his family and would never leave him anywhere.

Can help but feel this another one of Miss Corona’s gifts…during lockdown he had 18 months of his mummy and daddy being at home all the time, with him. Now he’s back at school and we are going back into the office, seeing friends, wanting to go out occasionally again, it seems to have really thrown him.

Any advice on resources/things I can share with him to try and help calm his worries? Any advice on dealing with the death thing? Especially interested to know how other non religious people deal with this. In terms of the general panic, I think he may need some professional help but I have no idea where tk start - I guess CAMHS are completely overwhelmed with awful waiting lists? Does this sort of thing merit their involvement? I have no idea but can’t bear to see him struggling like this 😞

Thank you.

Hey! Just wondering what happened with your son? Going through something similar with my 6yo. Thank you.

Just wondering how your son is doing? Going through something similar. Thanks!

My ds of the same age is the same.

Genetically it's my fault - I have tons of anxiety so I know what he's going through.

Here's some things we do:
Play therapy paid for by his grandparents (on and off because it's expensive)
Sleep pillow spray
Calm pulse point rollers and zen patch aromatherapy stickers
Weighted cuddly toy
Book called Hey Warrior as recommended by therapist

Am trying to get him to do a martial arts class as I know exercise helps tremendously

Zombie thread but wondering how your boy is. My DS is 11 so similar age, and went through similar. Lots of deep sadness about war and homeless people and extremely anxious that I wouldn't be there at home time to pick him up despite never ever having been late.

I did a parenting course. There were some difficult things to consider. Every parent in the group had their own issues like anxiety, phobias, depression. It did make me think that I need to work on myself as much as we try to support him.

He is doing really well. Not sure if it was just something that would pass anyway but we do various things now that will stay. Walking, musical instrument, homework not left till last minute and we introduced 'worry time'. Just 10 mins 4 or 5 times a week were we talk about anything that's worrying him.

@SummerHouse interesting to come back to this thread - I commented above about DS2 having his "Concerns" about death and dying. Two years later these have completely gone, he hasn't mentioned anything in at least the last 12 months.

I completely agree on exercise, rest, keeping busy and not wallowing but allowing space to discuss worries but in a normal routine "everyone has worries and we all have the capacity to deal with them" kind of way. I read a lot about CBT for children and modelling healthy ways of thinking and over time making sure he understands about the locus of control being internal rather than external.

In contrast to @ClemFandango1 I didn't get anything to "help" with his worries as I didn't want him to think that he didn't have the tools within himself to deal with them. So no special toys, books, blankets or therapy but Clem's boy may have had the need of those - my son just had worries about death and dying in general, no particular traumatic experience to work through.

I think this was because when I was younger I was sent on a "self-confidence" course for girls and all I took away from it was that someone thought I was so lacking in self-confidence I needed a special course to deal with my problem.

@user1494672764 how is your DC doing?

Also @ClemFandango1 this is not your fault!! If anything it makes you more empathetic to what your DC is going through. But @SummerHouse is right that it's worth working on your own anxiety - if your DC sees how you deal your anxieties, then you won't appear just to be anxious with no solutions OR to be effortlessly worry-free with no explanation of how you got there. though, it's so tough to work on yourself and help your DC all at once!