Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Child Maintenance

10 replies

Ziggles · 10/10/2021 00:10

I divorced my husband when my son was 3 years old, he is now 14. My ex always claims he is not working and pays himself via directors loans and also avoids tax. I tried CPS in the past and no use, any advice would be grateful. I have never stopped my son seeing his dad in all the years as didn't want my son to suffer because of the divorce. Want to try and get something before my so is 16 as I feel totally taken for granted as family members said not to let him see my son unless he paid but did not want to hold.my son to ransom as it would only be him that suffered. Just feel totally walked all over

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 10/10/2021 00:16

Write to you mp. Question your xh lifestyle and how he is affording it.

Ziggles · 10/10/2021 00:45

My mp is kwasi kwarteng, emailed his office and was told they could not get involved in private cases, head, brickwall. As a working mum I find no one will help as I get on with it and don't claim any benefits although not living a glam lifestyle just getting by, no one seems to care and my ex is living his best life Angry

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2021 00:53

At 14 it’s your son’s decision whether or not to see his father.

It seems unlikely you’ll get anywhere with the CMS, they can be useless and he sounds very dodgy.

I’m sorry, you and your son deserve better.

What was his work situation while you were together?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Ziggles · 10/10/2021 00:59

I think my son is gradually understanding the situation, but I have never wanted to bad mouth his dad although that has been very hard at time. My ex always ran his own businesses e.g couriers, flooring. Just.o won those people that gets away with everything,so frustrating as a normal tax paying worker. It was a controlling relationship and this Just feels like he still has that one final hold over me and no-one will hell and I cannot afford legal advice

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 10/10/2021 01:04

I’ve given up on cms a long time ago when my ex was ordered to pay £7 per week for 4 children, some times you just have to let it go

Ziggles · 10/10/2021 01:11

Yes, I have frustratingly got to that point but wondered if it was worth one last try. Just don't understand how a father can put on amn act like the best dad but not provide anything for them or have any interest in their schooling. Venus and Mars I guess Hmm

OP posts:
Spandang · 10/10/2021 01:16

There’s not much you can do I’m afraid. If the CMS can’t extract money from him, there’s no a lot of point pursuing it. Courts don’t get involved in it.

The best way you can remove the feeling of control is to accept it, and move on. Your son is old enough to understand, he’s also old enough to choose if he wants to see Dad.

Ziggles · 10/10/2021 01:40

Men 1 Women 0

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/10/2021 02:14

I'm not sure if it would work with self employed ex but when my ex got a promotion and foolishly posted it all over fb (which he knew I could still see at this point) he was paid in cash (but I doubted was cash in hand) by his employer, I was also frustrated by cms inaction at first so I contacted hmrc to ensure they knew he'd had a pay rise. I was right that he/his employer were keeping right with hmrc but ex still hadn't told cms

Cms were contacted by hmrc and an increase in maintenance and back payment supposedly organised

That said he also "played the system" and rarely paid on time/regularly/in full he would only pay when the csa (as was) started threatening an attachment on earnings and then he'd pay at least a nominal amount which got csa to back off.

Dd was 15 when cms came in and we were transferred and I raised all this with the case handler and he did seem more on the ball and got an attachment of earnings based on the pattern of my ex's behaviour inc arrears

Then dd decided to drop out of school at 16 and go to work (not entirely her fault school were being arses too) which meant no longer eligible for cm

But the arrears also weren't pursued despite many calls etc to cms and even my Mp chasing with them they just didn't want to know.

So I would urge you to do all you can be a total pain in the arse to them before your child leaves school and becomes ineligible for cm as when that happens they basically just wash their hands of the whole matter!

My ex's arrears were over £10k

Cms aren't fit for purpose we need cm back where it belongs being dealt with by the courts because it's not something where "one size fits all" and algorithms for calculations can ever work.

There are so many variations in nrps who exploit the loopholes - Job hoppers, self employed, going overseas (either emigrating or going "home" to country of origin), taking the attitude that children are "pay per view" etc

There are also (whisper it we're on mn) mothers who don't play fair too - claim from more than one nrp for the same child (how are cms not tracking this?!), accept cm in cash and then tell cms nrp hasn't paid, also treat children as pay per view

But I will say that by far the nrps tend to be the ones that most often behave badly - whether men or women I happen to know several single fathers with Mother nrps and those female nrps have behaved exactly as so many male nrps do.

If it were dealt with on a case by case basis I've found family court judges are generally pretty good at getting the measure of those involved and the situation and I think would for the most part act fairly

There's also the question of the current levels/calculation of cm is in most cases a pittance! It certainly usually isn't equivalent to 50% of the cost of raising that child as it should be. Or even 40%!

It's a mess all of it

I hope you manage to get a solution op

Nimblebim · 10/10/2021 02:22

OP there are groups on Facebook with members who have had similar experiences and have gone through the process of forcing CMS to do a better job investigating the NRP's claims. They share their experiences. I joined as I anticipated having to go through similar as I was divorcing my ex husband.

Good luck

New posts on this thread. Refresh page