Thoughts one more than one baby

[whattodoabout1or2]

I'm really of two minds at the moment and I would love to hear other people's experiences/thoughts.

I always thought that I would like 2 children. Both myself and OH have siblings and really value our families. We started our own family last year and have one DS who turned 1 in the summer and my mind has started to turn to whether we will try for another in the next few years but, to my surprise, I am not sure! OH feels the same, and I think feels even less sure than me about having a second. My current thoughts are as follows.

We love our son. He was a great baby and is a great toddler and whilst of course there are difficult times, in general we have been very lucky. He is healthy, he never had colic or cried very much, he eats well, and he is a very sunny child. Bit of a crap sleeper but not as bad as some! Financially, we are coping fairly well- we both work full time and he is in nursery 8-4 during the week and loves it. Once we gets his free hours in a couple of years we will be back to being very comfortable and whilst we are by no means rich, we wouldn't have to stress about money. We are really happy with how our lives are right now, stress is fairly minimal and we can absolutely see how being a family of three would work for us in the long term. I also had a tough pregnancy and hated being pregnant, had a very long labour ending in an EMCS, and we didn't find it easy to get pregnant in the first place and it was a stressful time. We don't even know if we would be able to conceive again!

On the other hand, we did both love the newborn time, and we both feel that having a sibling can be such a positive thing. I also can't shake the feeling that we always said we wanted two. Whilst it would be harder to manage financially and logistically, we would likely make it work ok and I'm wondering if we would regret not at least trying? I am mid 30s and like I said didn't get pregnant straight away the last time so I don't have years to decide, which is also stressful. On the other hand I am having some health issues at the moment that have meant that doc has explicitly told me not to get pregnant right now, so we would have to wait a little while anyway if we did decide to go for it.

I'm so torn so would love to hear from anyone else who had the same feelings and how it worked out for you.

Bump

One last try

I was 'one and done' because of similar reasons you've stated. Our son was an easy child and we were happy as a 3. I started for feel differently when he started preschool and the idea of having another just grew and grew from there. I now have 2 with a 5 year age gap and I'm really happy. I would just wait and see how you feel I'm a year or two, you might find that you warm to the idea more or maybe you won't. There's no wrong answer.

We always wanted at least 2. Ds1 was so difficult (pregnancy, baby, toddler...) that i couldn't even contemplate having a 2nd until he was 21 months old.

We have a 2.7 year gap and have never regretted it for a second, even with an SN diagnosis for DS1

Wait and see how you feel when your health issues have stabilised

I had a horrific birth with DC1 which made me think I was one and done because I couldn’t contemplate going through it again.
As it was, we did have another but really it was just to give DC1 a sibling. I didn’t have a particular ‘hankering’ to have another myself iyswim?
I don’t regret it for a second and now feel we are complete as a family.
Our age gap is almost 3 years.

We feel like one and done but I’m only 3 months in. Logically more children make no sense. But I know I might change my mind.

I’m where you are, OP. I have a lovely happy healthy daughter. Pregnancy/birth not horrific but complicated due to pre existing condition. We’re very happy as a family of 3, but I can’t shake the idea that I want to do the baby thing again (circumstances were less than ideal last time, but all sorted now) and that a sibling would be lovely for DD.

However I am absolutely petrified of having a child with SN which I know is quite irrational. I think I’ve scared myself by reading too much on MN. If I could be guaranteed a healthy NT child I’d have another one tomorrow, but it doesn’t work like that.

One and done here. DD is 12. We've never regretted it.

Similar reasons - I wanted to back to work, two lots of nursery fees would have been very hard. She was a fairly easy baby/toddler. We have a lovely little family of three - but lots of fur babies! DD has great friends and cousins she's close to. She's never asked for a sibling. She gets all the time she needs from both parents, we can afford any clubs she wants to do, we've taken her on expensive-ish holidays, now she's heading to teen years we don't have to worry about multiple lots of pocket money/expensive trainers/clothes/university etc.

I had a friend who felt exactly the same. But she's now pregnant (planned) and her DS is 6 - She just changed her mind, it happens. Go
With the flow

We have a 2.7 year gap and have never regretted it for a second

Do you mean this is a big age gap? As it's actually smaller than the average! Sorry if I misunderstood.

Anyway, I felt similar to you OP at first. We waited until DD1 was 2.5 before deciding that we'd like another, and got pregnant when she was nearly 3. It's worked out brilliantly. Your DS is still so young, maybe give it a bit more time. Mid thirties isn't that old.

I do also have friends who chose to stick with one and love it, there are lots of positives either way.

Oh and just to add, in DDs junior school there were 6 only children in her class, but that had reduced to 4 by year 5/6 when their parents got with new partners and had second babies. I think it's becoming more common to only have 1 child now. I can only remember 1 in my whole year when I was a child

We had 1. It's been perfect for us. I wobbled over it until DS was about 5 and then suddenly the hormones gave up and I became really content with being a family of 3. I have health issues and having 1 has meant that I can cope with them well.

DS is now 13. If you do stick with 1 I'd say that you have to get stuck in with the school mums, we did lots of play dates which meant he was never bored. We've had some fantastic holidays but always ones with plenty of activities. He's never liked kids clubs so we always kept him with us, city breaks are brilliant. Also (this might sound ridiculous) if you can live in a quiet street or cul de sac close to school you will have an endless stream of play mates for your child. We struck lucky when we moved into our close. All the DC play out together (not so much now that they're older) but they used to be out every day after school, all ages. It was absolutely fantastic.

We're doing well financially, DS is a so lovely, nothing like the stereotypes you hear about Only children. It really has worked out well for all of us.

I would wait and see how you feel once you are "allowed" to try for another, health wise. If you have concerns at the moment, it puts things into a different mindset, for your dh possibly even more than you.

I personally couldn't perceive of only having one if I were able to have two, so maybe that is influencing my thinking, but, if you and dh both grew up with a sibling you get on with, and it means you will still have family when you lose your parents, etc, it seems strange to not want that same happiness and relationships for your own dc.
I don't want to make it sound like people can't be happy as singletons - of course they can, but I think it is hardwired in us to replicate our own experience when our experience has been good.

Why do you have to decide now? We have an intentional 4 year age gap and it has been perfect.

Thank you for all of your replies. They all make a lot of sense. I think wanting to give him a sibling is the main reason we are still thinking about two, although I do get broody also 🙈 It is also true that my health issues might be affecting my thought process and actually I would be better off just waiting until I am even in a position to try again before agonising over whether I should or not!

@QforCucumber you are right of course, we absolutely don't need to decide now but I suppose I am conscious of my age. There's also the fact that if we were to decide now that one was enough for us then it would affect some of our decisions in the future, rather than making some decisions about where to live/jobs etc based around the fact that we might have a other baby. But I just don't think I am in a position at the moment to say "definitely not" so I guess there's no point in dwelling on that! I would like to think that if we end up discovering for one reason or another that we can't have a second that I will be able to simply count my blessings and call it fate but somehow I suspect that it doesn't work that way 😬

I was so very very on the fence about number 2. I had my kids pretty late and lots of heartache along the way, so was not convinced that even starting to think about a second was a good idea.

But, my partner was very sure he wanted another so we decided to give it one go, so we did.

She turns 4 next month and her sister is 6. I am so so so glad we have them both. I think our family would not work nearly as well without her. They are becoming pals and hearing them chatting away to eachother in the morning is one of the most lovely things.

My advice, if you are on the fence and you can afford it, go for it.

@JustcameoutGC that's really interesting to know- thank you for sharing your story with me! I think another of my fears is that we would say that we would "give it a go" without pressure and if it didn't work it didn't work, but I know in reality it's not that easy. But equally if you never try you never know!!

We wanted 2.... could afford 2 then 2nd pregnancy was twins :)