Can anyone offer any advice re DC and abusive ex?

[Londono]

DS, 13, does not want to live with STBXH anymore and only wants to go every other weekend.

DD, 10, is happy to stick to 50/50 and is showing no signs of being affected by STBXH's moods.

DS is scared of broaching the topic with ex, can he just refuse to go more than every other weekend now?

There's no court order in place, 50/50 was agreed between us when we split but DS does not like living with ex who is a bully when he doesn't get his own way on every little thing.

He is highly unlikely to take this well, and my solicitor says Cafcass/Court process will take an age. So, as he is 13 can he just decide? And what could ex actually do apart from take it to court to resolve?

Hopeful bump

Yes, ds is old enough to have a say in where he lives and who he lives with. I expect his father treats him differently from dd. He might be less strict with dd. I'd ds is scared of broaching the subject with his father, you'll have to do it won't you? Wait until ds is on a visit with you and explain to his df that the boy wants to stay. If it goes to court, it's unlikely the court would force him back against his wishes.

Thanks @Dillydollydingdong. Is there anything he can do other than rage at me, DS and try and turn DD against me/us? I can weather his outbursts as I don't have to live with him, but I'm worried about the DC.

Well, depending on how he reacts to the news, you might want to restrict ds's visits altogether for a while. There isn't a court order so you wouldn't be in breach of anything. What else can he do? There's nothing legal.

He will not react well. And I guess the onus would be on him to take me to court if he wanted to get a formal arrangement in place but DS is 13 so surely he would be listened to? I am obviously concerned about DD but she would want to continue 50/50.

Yes ds would definitely have his wishes taken into account. DD wouldn't be affected would she, except that she would have her dad all to herself while she was with him.

I mean I'm concerned how he would behave without DS around - he very much likes his own way or the high way and I'd obviously prefer it if DD was out of that environment too but at the moment she is happy so I realise they should probably be treated separately.

Just say to her that your door is always open if she wants to come back and live with you. Her choice.

My first question would be what has changed? If he doesn't want 50/50 but still every other weekend have they had a falling out?

Or has f

STBEXH is not a good parent and I think that has become patently clear to DS since we separated. Everything from shouting at him for disagreeing with him, to not having clean uniform for school, underwear etc. No bedtimes, DS is quite diligent at school and is tired in class. New girlfriend there all the time.

He has tried talking to him about changes to make him more comfortable but it has fallen on deaf ears.

Not sure if this would work but could you soften the blow by just blaming it on schoolwork/teenage social life etc. As dcs get older they will be wanting to do their own thing more anyway, so that seems reasonable and lets the ex save face and won't cause friction for your youngest.