Mum/dadsplaining - sometimes it's just no - no?

[EternalNC]

Hi,

I have a couple of friends and a sil who imo, over explain everything to their dc and it honestly makes their lives so much harder and often confuses the dc unnecessarily.

I see it all the time now when out and about. The other day, my friend was explaining why their ds couldn't have another chocolate bar for, no joke, 15 minutes! She went into the nutritional value, the last time he had a chocolate bar, why having another could make him less appreciative, would he want Christmas every day the empty calories and on and on it went. He knew he probably wouldn't get one and he understood why. Well, as much as a 4 year old needed to! Surely just no is enough sometimes.

I'm not saying don't explain anything and don't ever engage in a conversation as to why the answer is no, but sometimes you really are just shooting yourself in the foot.

Sounds like performance parenting to me. I wonder if they fanny around like that when no-one's watching / listening.

@PinkFootstool, I think you're probably right and I feel bad saying that, but sometimes I do think to myself, who are you doing this for?

This drives me crackers. I had a friend who did stuff like this, as well as giving the 4 year old three different options for how the bedtime routine could go, at the end of the day when the child is exhausted and just seconds away from a total meltdown. It's like they're desperate to always be friends with the child, and don't have the backbone to just be the adult in the relationship. Sometimes the answer is no, just no, end of story, and children need the security of knowing that the adult is in charge

My SIL said she loved my parenting approach after hearing DS (3) ask “why?” and I replied “because I’m your mum and I said so”. To be fair is usually err slightly more on the side of explaining but I had clearly lost my patience that day

I’d *

Empty calories??? To a four year old?!

@Lottapianos, couldn't agree more.

My response is usually ive said no once would you like me to say it louder?

I've said not until you have eaten your tea would you like it to be never?

But I believe in choice 🤣

My OH does this a lot but to be fair to him, that is just his personality and he over explains everything. It isn't specific to parenting. It actually drives 15 year old DS bonkers! He prefers a short answer! 🤣🤣

It's like they want to get to a place where the child agrees that bedtime should be earlier/one bar of chocolate is enough/it's good to brush your teeth. I mean, you hope that one day your children will agree with those sensible ideas. But they might be in their early 20s before that day comes! I'm 45 and I still struggle with the bedtime one (and the chocolate tbh). You have to be willing to make decisions for their own good even if you know they won't like it.

Oh god, DH does this as well. He’s exactly the same as his own dad. Will go on and on and on and on and bloody on until I tell him to wrap it up we’re all getting bored (or something similar )

Bloody hell, my children even tells their friends not to bother arguing /questioning me, I never back down
I'm fair but firm. Weigh everything up and stand by it
Then creep iinto bed at night and question my husband what he thinks

I don’t see what’s wrong with it? I explain the basis of my decisions to my DS and the toddlers I care for at nursery. If they get used to knowing the reason behind you saying ‘no’ it is far more likely to register and they are much more likely to listen. My DS isn’t even 2 yet but knows ice creams are for when we go to Nana’s house; he will still ask for it but then remember & answer the question himself.

"Not today, sweetheart, you had one yesterday." Nothing more is needed!

I don't think it's performance parenting at all, sometimes it's better to explain why rather than a straight no to children? They usually understand more than we think, however.. Obviously this went on for too long and must have been utterly excruciating for the dc!
There is a balance!!