What is this behaviour/personality called

[TheOrigRights]

I have a relative who IMO makes assumptions about why people treat her as they do, or why things happen to her.

e.g. I hadn't told her some news about my adult son. Not for any specific reason, I just hadn't done so. There are lots of people I haven't told. It's his news anyway, though nothing I can't tell people.

So, it came up at the w/e and she expressed surprise she didn't know.
And then she went off on one about how maybe it was because she didn't deserve to know because she's just silly old Susan, who people don't care about and that she should just sit in the corner and be quiet.

This isn't the first time. I was challenging her about what she said, but she just went on and on until DS2 leaned over and told me to chill out.
I did just drop it because it's like she wants to play the victim and brings up stuff from her childhood. I only got to know her when I was an adult and she is the generation above.

I don't think this really thinks I think that of her. I honestly have not given her any reason to. It just pisses me off.

Paranoia

Oh, isn't there some modern more wanky term?

It’s usually a symptom of low self esteem and worth to go on self-deprecating bitter tirades. It’s a cry for reassurance that they are not worthless but valued by you. As the response they are trying to get is a “no, I don’t think that at all about you....”
It can be very wearing to be around someone like this. It’s also present when the person is suffering from depression.

Self pity.

Could be poor self esteem at one end or self-centredness at the other.

Perhaps she’d just upset that she’s not psychic!

Low self esteem and fear of rejection is at the heart of it.

Sometimes as a self-protective mechanism this gets turned into a hardened narrative such that a sad and scared person(child) turns into an arsehole.

Sounds like she had a difficult childhood and didn’t get to experience love and security maybe?

Is “pain the arse” modern enough?

Martyr?
Passive aggressive?
Self-centred?
Annoying?

I think you’ve nailed it with playing the victim.

Martyrdom... it's a pain in the arse!

@PlanDeRaccordement

It’s usually a symptom of low self esteem and worth to go on self-deprecating bitter tirades. It’s a cry for reassurance that they are not worthless but valued by you. As the response they are trying to get is a “no, I don’t think that at all about you....” It can be very wearing to be around someone like this. It’s also present when the person is suffering from depression.

Yep. My mum does it to for these reasons.

She centres herself in every decision anyone else makes for any reason and, unless she is first and centre, believes people's personal life choices are made to negatively impact on her deliberately.

It’s very sad that in some people even when they are loved and valued that they have become unable to feel and believe in that love. Hence the bitterness and requirements for reassurance as Plan mentions.

I think @PlandeRaccordement said it. My aunt does this, but in a rather more self pitying way. It’s low self esteem and attention seeing.

If I don’t respond to my aunt’s (rambling, non-urgent) enquiries right away or regularly ask after her, you get a follow up like “Have I done something to offend you? I know you probably have better things to do, but” and “I know I’m not that interesting, but…”.

Thing is, I do try and help her as much as I can because she is disabled (and her kids don’t!), but I have a FT job and 3 kids under 10, but the emotional wheedling undertones and cries for attention are wearing.

My MIL does this all the time. It drives me insane.

Self pitying, victim complex nonsense! I also call it the "Eeyore"... "don't worry about me, you all have a party without me, nobody ever tells me, I'll just sit here alone" etc etc etc

Yes it is sad. I often wonder if bad childhood contributes to such a feeling of being unlovable and disbelief in being loved when you actually are. I have a few relatives like this and they all had objectively hard lives. They also refuse to get counselling/therapy to challenge this belief/behaviour as I think is harmful to both them and the rest of us. I tend to alternate between frustration and pity, tbh when around this.

RSD? ADHD symptom/comorbidity. Excessive sensitivity to rejection etc.

Gaaa! I knew it.

I had a huge row with my 12 yo son yesterday (that's for another thread), and we cancelled visiting this relative. I felt awful, but there was no way we could go. I would have been crying, DS would have been miserable and this relative is not someone I seek support and comfort from.

So, I made a quick phone call to her husband to apologise, and then sent a follow up email to my relative today.

Her response makes it all about her, saying "I was a bit afraid DS had recently seen xxxx,
who told him not to associate with "those bastards", and/or DS had
entered each or both of us on his own "bastards" list."

I cannot be arsed to soothe her ego. I have given no reason for her to believe we think that of her and it's not for me to make it better.

This behaviour is becoming predictable and more frequent and whereas it used to be something I could brush away as one of those things you just put up with because everything else is good, I'm finding all interactions less enjoyable.