Micro-insults from your own parents?

[nc4565]

My parents aren't nasty people, but my mum clearly thinks I'm a stupid imbecile without saying as much.

My mother when I was an adult teen and was talking about wanting to lose a few pounds: "You'll never be a size 10, it's just not your body shape".
I am (after 2 babies I might add). I've never not been a size 10 actually?!

My mother and her at-the-time partner when I was a teen and applying to universities: "You probably won't get in to X so why don't you look at other options". I got in to X 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just why, why would you not encourage your child? It baffles me, and even in my 30s all these years later, it still bugs me.

Anyone else experience something similar?

Same. My parents weren't nasty people either. They gave us the best they could but the things they would say !
I've always had a complex about the way I look and I know it stems from my mum's comments. ( I'm normal looking BTW! Whatever that is).
As a child I was a bit of a bookworm. I was probably the most studious ( first to pass 11 plus, first to do A levels, graduate etc), but instead of being praised for this, it was almost used against me ( by my mum, not my dad).
I remember her introducing us 3 girls to her friends. My other 2 sisters are very attractive. She would say, ' This is A - isn't she beautiful? Look at her hair. This is B - how lovely are her blue eyes?! This is Amdone......she likes reading !'
My sisters and I laugh about it now but at the time ( an awkward 14 year old who felt pretty ugly), it did affect me.

I would consider that she is seeing things from her perspective and her insecurities- nothing to do with you.
Did she want to be a size 10 but couldn't ? Was she too cautious to take risks ?
You need to let this crap go- you got where you needed to - so well done (not ironic) - accept your mother as a flawed human being and you'll be much happier.

Similar but not quite the same.

My mum is a pessimist, and also a HUGE martyr to social conventions. She always has an opinion about whether I’m cleaning and tidying enough, with seemingly no understanding that I work full time and my house is half the size of her with more than twice the amount of people.

Add that to my personality type that hates being told I’m wrong and sometimes we clash

It’s fine though, we are very close - just navigate (carefully!) round our less desirable traits!

My father is not very good at making compliments on physical appearance and has previously said I look lovely with the added addition of ‘but you also look like Michael Jackson/Cher/an American Indian!’

Yep, mine too.
I wonder if it stems from being put down themselves, the old adage of women knowing their place, not getting too big for their boots.
I work in what was a male dominated industry, not so much now, my mum's stock reply to my job is "that's bloody dangerous" not dangerous to me as a person but allowing a mere woman to do my role is dangerous to others 🙄
I have 25 years experience but I'm a danger to others!
My sisters who work in non technical roles, catering and teaching assistant are praised constantly on how well they're doing

@Dizzy1234, I think that's exactly it. I was brought up a Catholic and we did not boast ( or even talk about !) our achievements! In fact it wasn't unusual for me to hear, ooh look how clever she is...from siblings and adults. Unbelievable! I wasn't a brag artist - never have been. A colleague of mine used to tell me I was one of the brightest people he'd met, but I didn't half hide it well.

Glad it's not just me/my family!

It wasn't so much personal stuff, as comments which reflected their own jaundiced view of the world. When I was job hunting after university and complaining that everything looked really boring ("but work is boring") which had the effect of me settling (at least initially) for a career I was totally unsuited to. When I bought my first (admittedly quite old) car (oh well, that's it, you'll be forever paying out for repairs"). When we bought our first house ("Oh well, that's it, your money will never be your own now"). I think they thought they were being realistic but it had the effect of dampening any enthusiasm I had. They did get better over the years when they realised I was never going to do anything particularly out there (I was their daughter ffs!)