Is there anything I can do in this desperate situation?

[Flummoxed23]

NC for this as it's potentially outing.

I could really do with some advice. I live about 50 miles from my mum who is very guilty of getting herself in all sorts of pickles because she can't ever say no to anyone's requests for favours etc. She's over 60 herself now and is getting very worn out by people taking advantage of her very over caring nature. Yes she needs to seriously start saying no but she is in such a pickle over the following situation and it's rely taking its toll. I'm worried about her.

Over the past year, one of her best friends (middle aged friend) who also happens to be her next door neighbour has seriously gone downhill mental health wise. She used to have a good, well paid job which she has now taken long term sick leave from. My mum living next door has become her crutch. My mum still works f/t.

The decline escalated when the friend was furloughed and made worse when her son moved out. She now lives alone. This friend was always quite strong willed, unlike my mum but they got on well. The friend is now in a heck of a state , under a MH crisis team and regularly calling out paramedics but once they try and help she is pushing them away. She forgets to take her meds (so she tells my mum) and is also saying she doesn't know where things are, like the bathroom!

Friend is having serious gut issues (gone from health weight to underweight and severe diarrhoea). My mum thought were being addressed and it turns out friend had been referred for a CT. Friend didn't turn up for CT so been discharged. She is constantly calling my mum (often middle of the night) to ask her where things are, to take her to A&E or if she is in desperate need of cigarettes (she is chain smoking now). My mum has been going round as she is so worried but refuses to buy the cigarettes. When friend goes into hospital , she makes such a fuss about receiving help, they send her home again with meds she forgets to take so rings my mum 🙄 On one occasion someone from the crisis team actually told my mum they rely on people like my mum for people like this. This is NOT acceptable.

The latest and worse was my mum going round to find friend on lounge floor having soiled herself 😥. Friend was unphased and quite blasé, like she didn't even realise! She was asking my mum where the toilet was, my mum showed her and then proceeded to clean up the mess 😥

My mum is exhausted. Everyone else (other neighbours/friends and her son) have washed their hands of her. This was someone worked in a highly paid job in the finance sector who is now running up debts, credit cards all stopped. What the actual hell is going on. What can I advise my poor mum to do. No it's not her place but she is geographically the closest and she is so caring so can't just ignore it. It's an horrendous situation and I truly hope it is not a true reflection of the mental health services in this country because if it is, the country is screwed. Any help or advice much appreciated 🙏

I was in a similar situation, although I didn’t live next door. The situation was becoming so untenable that I couldn’t not have provided as much help as was needed even if I’d wanted to (which I did not) whilst working full time. I wrote a letter to the lady in the end to say that whilst I was happy to help out in the short term, a longer term solution is now needed. It is such a relief to be free of the constant calls and demands.

I would suggest that your lovely mum phones Social Services and explains what is going on; and that she tells them she cannot be responsible. She will need to be very very blunt on that part as they will try hard to have her continue as the woman’s carer,.

💐for your mum for being such a kind friend.

She needs to turn her phone off at night because she needs sleep.

A sad story for everyone involved. I'm sorry I'm not able to offer expertise on this situation and services available.
I think I'd go to SS too. Could there be a dementia facet to her behaviour? Could her GP become involved more?
You are right to protect your lovely Mum❣

She needs to turn her phone off at night for a start , second contact social services and the woman's son. She definite needs to male it perfectly clear to the services that she is not getting involved in the women's care. The ndn won't get any help if the services think your mom is happy to do it

Thank you so much for your replies. Mum just wants to help everyone to her own detriment at times. She realised after the nightly wake up calls she wasn't going to be able to function herself for much longer so she is thankfully blocking her neighbours number overnight (between 10pm and 6am) but friend is calling her regularly both over the phone whilst she's at work and shouting over the garden fence when they're both home😥 it's breaks my mums heart.

Neighbour is obviously is a very bad place but crisis team and other HCP staff dealing with her are now suggesting she is just attention seeking and they can't help her!! This is someone that, six months ago was holding down a lucrative, well paid full time job, was the life and soul of the party, took herself off on quite adventurous holidays. She is now a 5 stone lighter, chain smoking, miserable hermit. It's so sad and there doesn't seem to be any help for her. My mum is heartbroken to see her good friend reduced to a shell of her former self. I wonder how many other people have gone from functional to fallen apart the last 18 months 😢

Nothing constructive but this is so sad OP, you have my sympathy. for you, her neighbour and of course your lovely mum.

You are right- the mental health services in this country are a disgrace.

I think your mum sounds lovely but for the sake of her health and for her friend to get proper assisted help she needs to step back
God, such an awful situation, how do you say no when they are standing in front of you?
I'd want to whisk my mum away for a few weeks to give her a break and try and break the cycle