October is selective mutism awareness month.

[HerRoyalRisesAgain]

Selective mutism is a severe anxiety disorder which leaves the sufferer unable to speak in certain situations.

DD is the loudest mute child I know.
She has had SM since she was a baby. At age 2 she would only speak to me. Now at 7 she can speak to all of the family and she's able to speak in school unless it's a substitute teacher. She knows all of the teachers and TAs.

She's gone from silent and tracking behind academically to talkative and perfectly average and in some subjects she's even ahead of what's expected. To say I'm proud of her is an understatement.

We still have work to do, she can't speak to shop keepers, some people in public, bus drivers etc, but she's made such immense progress.

@PivotPivotPivottt - It may just be shyness of course but that sounds very like DS at that age and we eventually worked out that it was SM. When he started school they thought he has a language / speech issue (even though we had told them he spoke at home) and after not hearing a word from him were amazed when his sister came into his classroom and he chatted away happily (as long as they pretended not to be listening). Over time he started talking to other children and by y2 spoke a little to the TA but didn’t speak to a teacher until y4, after an intensive programme with the ELSA devised by the Ed Psych along the lines advised by Maggie Johnson. There’s a book Can I Tell You About Selective Mutism? which was helpful to some extent for both DS and those he allowed us to share it with.

He is now in secondary school and whilst he is always going to be shy, he has done so much better than we thought given his anxiety is still quite severe. He speaks to teachers when asked a question and very occasionally volunteers an answer. As well as his friends, he does speak to most close family (GPs, aunts, cousins) and a handful of close family friends - usually only when spoken to but occasionally at other times. He will order in a restaurant if it’s straightforward but not if he eg wants no sauce.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain - re emergencies, we have found that If the anxiety about the emergency is greater than that about speaking, DS will speak. So he never talks to friend’s parents but did once when he got lost at school fair or eg when he was desperate for the toilet.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

Selective mutism is a severe anxiety disorder which leaves the sufferer unable to speak in certain situations." -- suggested it was this for everyone! I can only go off what I was told by my dinghies speech therapist. I'm well aware there are people who have it without having anxiety but for most people it's an anxiety disorder. In my experience, thats what it is. Of course I can't speak for others. I'm sorry you suffered trauma, and I'm glad you've found being quiet makes you happy.

There are many many different reasons for it as it goes.

Some have been touched upon here - it can range from anxiety, to security, to a sensory processing disorder which goes along with other things like autism - for example it can be a functional thing that because with autism some people hear things much more intensly, their own voice is too loud to them, so they choose to not speak.

There are so many reasons, anxiety about speaking with certain people or in certain situations, or in my case, trauma causing parts of my brain to shut down in situations. So when I don't talk, it's because my mind has gone into overdrive as it were, partly due to cPTSD, and also partly because I have ADHD, and being quiet is one way I have to control that situation for me.

It's such a varied thing is SM, with so so many reasons why, and so many reasons for what it achieves for that person.

we have found that If the anxiety about the emergency is greater than that about speaking, DS will speak. So he never talks to friend’s parents but did once when he got lost at school fair or eg when he was desperate for the toilet.

Thats fab. DD has wet herself before as she couldn't ask for the toilet, luckily she's never been lost... yet! I would hope she'd find someone she felt comfortable speaking to.

It's such a varied thing is SM, with so so many reasons why, and so many reasons for what it achieves for that person. it is and I'm always learning new things about it.
Thank you for psiting your experience of it.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

It's such a varied thing is SM, with so so many reasons why, and so many reasons for what it achieves for that person. it is and I'm always learning new things about it. Thank you for psiting your experience of it.

You sound like a wonderful Mom for your girl, just what she needs.

This is very interesting as I have a teenage daughter who is struggling to talk in lessons. In her case, anxiety is definitely a factor, but it feels more complicated than that. Things are difficult in one particular A level subject where discussion is important and where she's in a vicious circle of feeling unable to speak due to anxiety and then even more anxious because she's aware that her teacher is getting frustrated. She does come across as sulky and disengaged when she clams up, so I can understand why her teacher is struggling with it, but it's sad because the subject is genuinely one that she feels passionate about.

I don't really know how best to help, but this thread has given me a label for what might be going on, so thank you.

I would love to know more about this condition. As a lecturer, we're doing our best with a couple of students with this recently but we're just sort of finding our way through. I don't want them to feel lonely, or stressed by group work. I've done my best to facilitate technological solutions like using chat boxes online instead of asking them to talk but as we return to in person teaching, it is harder to do this discretely.

We've seen some progress recently which is wonderful and we're lucky that there are support workers who help too.

@AChickenCalledDaal

This is very interesting as I have a teenage daughter who is struggling to talk in lessons. In her case, anxiety is definitely a factor, but it feels more complicated than that. Things are difficult in one particular A level subject where discussion is important and where she's in a vicious circle of feeling unable to speak due to anxiety and then even more anxious because she's aware that her teacher is getting frustrated. She does come across as sulky and disengaged when she clams up, so I can understand why her teacher is struggling with it, but it's sad because the subject is genuinely one that she feels passionate about.

I don't really know how best to help, but this thread has given me a label for what might be going on, so thank you.

Can her teacher facilitate other ways for her to participate?

Could she type her contributions, or make notes as she goes along to give in at the end. So she could listen to her peers and jot down her thoughts and then her teacher could read them at the end. It would maybe show that she is participating and thinking about the topics being discussed, in a way that is accessible for her.

Could her teacher make a time to have a chat with you, and your DD if she's comfortable, as if the teacher knew what the issue was - that your DD really wants to participate and likes the subject, then they may feel less frustrated themselves.

I'm a specialist teacher in SEN settings and so I'm very used to working around all manner of issues constantly throughout the day, but I do find that some (not all!!! Before I'm told I'm slating all mainstream teachers - I'm not !!) Mainstream teachers are anxious themselves about working with students with additional needs, mental health issues etc, not because they don't want to, but because they're worried about 'doing the wrong thing'. On the whole we all want to help !!

@AliMonkey thank you very much for your post. That's very reassuring to read your son is doing well even though still very anxious that must be really difficult for him but sounds like he's doing great. My daughter also had speech delay and had barely any words until last year now she's a chatterbox (when it suits her) I'm going to speak with her nursery on Monday.

This may sound silly but another thing she does is shut down if you try to take a photo of her. She will stand and stare at the camera and very rarely will smile which I've always just found an amusing quirk. I only thought of this because she does it a lot in ballet class when the teacher takes photos and we've always just laughed it off (I hate photos so thought maybe she was just stubborn) but now wonder if it could be related as an anxiety thing? She used to run away when I tried to take her photo but now she will stand and allow me but a lot of the time won't smile and makes the same face she makes when she refuses to speak.

AChickenCalledDaal, my dd has the same problem with one of her A level teachers, she has been struggling with him and realised recently that it’s probably because she does look bored when he’s talking to her and rarely responds and he probably thinks she doesn’t care, but she really does,, like you I’m struggling to know how to help her.

Wow, I actually thought no one else had ever heard of this 😯
My son, who is now 28 has had SM since he was about 2 yrs old. Doctors thought I was crazy, school and hv etc said he was just shy and he would grow out of it. He has led a mostly solitary life aside from family and one close friend and it has been a really difficult life for him tbh. There seems to be so much advice and help groups for people who have adhd or forms of autism but I never really found any for this. I actually feel a little better now knowing that there are others going through what we have ( and still are to a certain extent )

another thing she does is shut down if you try to take a photo of her. my DD does this. She won't let her photo be taken in school, but at home she's happy and smiley and loves the camera. It's definitely linked.

would love to know more about this condition. As a lecturer, we're doing our best with a couple of students with this recently but we're just sort of finding our way throug
I dont know how old the students you work with are but definitely finding ways that they can communicate without having to speak is the thing that worked best for DD. So she could write down her answers once she learnt to write, or she could point and gesture. She was allowed to wave when they did the register, once she was able to speak to her TA (who has moved up each year with her so she has someone she's familiar with each year) she would whisper her answers to her. Obviously if they're older then it will be a bit different especially if worried about looking odd whispering to someone or gesturing what they mean.

There seems to be so much advice and help groups for people who have adhd or forms of autism
I agree. Many more people are aware of autism and ADHD. I have an autistic son and I'm autistic myself, and the support was much easier to access for us. Still lacking, but easier. For DD I had to already know about SM and tell my health visitor I wanted her referred to SALT for SM specifically. If I hadn't known she'd have been passed off as shy and not been given support.

@Makelovenotpetrol

Can I just correct that it isn't solely an anxiety disorder. I've had it since childhood and still have it now. When I don't talk I am very happy to not be doing. I have my reasons, I'll be treated for my reasons for life, but I don't have anxiety.

That's really odd - anxiety is one of the necessary diagnostic criteria for SM

@Bizzimomma, there's also a FB group called SM space café that might be useful to you or your son - I've seen some adults with SM posting there.

there's also a FB group called SM space café that might be useful to you or your son - I've seen some adults with SM posting there

There's selective mutism UK Facebook group too. Not always very active but some adults in there. There may even be a Facebook group more local, North West there's definitely one. It's worth having a search for what's about.

@AChickenCalledDaal, @Mumteedum

We were lucky in that the SenCo at secondary school had lots of experience with SM and so was able to suggest strategies to teachers (as did we but they seemed to take more notice of the SenCo!)

DS ideally needs a little bit of notice that he will be asked to speak but not loads - if he knew a week before that would just make him worry too much. If he is asked on the spot that doesn’t work well either so ideal is that teacher either eg goes along the row so he knows when his turn is or teacher says eg “Bob next, then I’ll come to you DS”. Small groups or 1-1 works best. Online chat or writing down answer on paper/board works well but can’t be used all the time (but DS loved lockdown learning as he was allowed to just answer via chat).

As a PP mentioned earlier, talking to them expecting an answer is best but in a way that gives them a way out if they really can’t manage it.

And yes it is very easy for people to think someone with SM is rude - certainly when DS was younger I explained it in advance to anyone whose care he would be in eg friends’ parents.

Thank you for posting this.

My 4 year old son was diagnosed with SM at the age of 3. He stopped talking at nursery one day and lockdown didn't help. We moved him to a preschool he told us he liked, but he didn't speak there either.

The SENCO at preschool was amazing and really read up on the condition and helped him loads.

We had lots of doctors appointments for it and to assess him for ASD. We're confident he doesn't have ASD. What is interesting is that the day after this doctors appointment he spoke at preschool!!!

We got a medical priority for a tiny school near us and we were all so pleased when he spoke on his first day.

He does still lose his voice around strangers but is doing so well.

We found 2 great books for children that explain SM really well.

The first is The Loudest Roar and the second is My Name is Eliza and I Don't Talk at School.

The first is The Loudest Roar and the second is My Name is Eliza and I Don't Talk at School.

We have both of these books
We actually lent the nursery the loudest roar to explain to the other children why DD couldn't speak.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

The first is The Loudest Roar and the second is My Name is Eliza and I Don't Talk at School.

We have both of these books
We actually lent the nursery the loudest roar to explain to the other children why DD couldn't speak.

We did the same.

The Eliza one really helped my son to understand what happened to him

Lovely to hear other people’s experience of this condition, DD 19 ASD and co-morbidities has it but is improving it was particularly bad through her tweens and early teens when her anxiety sky rocketed, it broke my heart to see her beautiful head drop into an almost standing foetal position

With meds and an awesome therapist she is coming through it and her confidence is growing, still likes to know I’m close by but is generally able to initiate conversation on her own now and will hopefully be starting Uni next year with support in place

The Eliza one really helped my son to understand what happened to him same for DD. She happily talks to me about her voice not working, and she knows if she's struggled at school that day that she can tell me and no one will be cross with her for it. She had a substitute teacher last week and she could only speak to the TA. He was apparently really nice, she just couldn't get her voice to work for him. He saw her on his way out of the school and she waved with a big smile on her face so she clearly liked him, he was just different which made it hard for her.

will hopefully be starting Uni next year with support in place this is fab.
I worry about DDs teen years, as I know that hormones and anxiety are running wild during them! So to hear positive stories of older children succeeding in life warms my heart and gives me hope.

@MrsColon no absolutely not. It can, and is caused by severe prolonged trauma before the age of 8.

For teenagers / adults I’d recommend the book “A Quiet Kind of Thunder”. It’s a very sweet YA romance where the main character has selective mutism.