Hi all. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and we had been due to get married this sept. We had a son in 2019 and after this I experienced quite bad post natal depression and anxiety. Around March I started feeling abit better back to work etc however felt that our relationship had completely broken down as we’d spent no time together since he was born due to him always working and I also went back full time. In may I decided to postpone/cancel the wedding and we broke up for two months. During this time I was absolutely sure we weren’t meant to be together and I started going out with friends drinking most weekends and ended up being intimate on two occasions with other people. Now I told my partner about this as soon as lt happened and I never really felt guilty until we decided to get back together and try make it work for us and for our son. I now feel extremely guilty for not trying harder to make us work back in May and although he can see past what happened when we had a two month break I cannot. I am consumed with guilt every moment of every day. I have been going to therapy and it has helped me realise that I was using alcohol to cope with a lot of stress that was happening this year (my dad was very ill, my son had multiple hospital admissions that were traumatic to me as I was there by myself due to COVID) and although these two incidents happened whilst drunk I really hate myself and wish I had been more sensible. He wants to still get married next year and so do I however I cannot stop feeling so ashamed and guilty.
I know it is my fault for not trying harder to fix our relationship back in May but my head was so stressed with everything else I felt like there was no fixing us :( any advice