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My Dad died and I am lost without him.

8 replies

PolarCub · 01/10/2021 13:45

I don't know where to put this, and suspect some of this to be rambling.
My Dad died on 22nd July, so it's now 10 weeks since his death. He and my Mum contracted Covid, both were double jabbed. He was 72 and was never ill, never got a snuffle, the last time he was ill, it was flu and I was a small child.
We we're lucky that the family could be with him when life support was turned off, Me my Mum and brother were there.
I am still just as totally heartbroken as the day he died, I just feel lost.
His funeral was lovely, we had music that he would have wanted (rock) and it was a day of remembrance, not of mourning.
I feel like I'm trying to support my Mum and my son (Adult, 23 Autistic) and to be honest I'm just so bloody tired. My Mum is getting a lot of support from family and friends, but I just want to shout...what about me! He was my Mum's husband and her rock, but he was my Dad. And he was everything to me.

We are also trying to sort My Mum and Dad's house out. My Dad was a computer engineer and a hoarder. We have computer equipment going back decades! We also have specialist HIFI equipment that there is a lot of it and we have no idea how to value it, or what to do with it!
We have boxes and boxes of computer parts - what the hell do we do with it all? Some of the stuff is faulty and can be chucked, but some of it will have to checked and tested to see if faulty or not. Some of it is too old to be useful - but do we chuck it or see if it can be given to someone - but who?
We have tided stuff so we can see mainly what we have....so many bloody screws! memory chip sets, every type of cable you can think of, fans etc etc but what the hell do we do with it all?!

His Mum is in a care home, with Dementia. I haven't been to see her since he died, and I feel so guilty. I just can't face her without crying, I also can't face telling her many times, that my Dad is dead.

I saw my Dad several times a week, and now nothing, I just feel broken.

OP posts:
spiderlight · 01/10/2021 14:10

I am so very sorry. I lost my dad just over two years ago and sorting out all his stuff felt like climbing a mountain, when I was exhausted to my very soul. I have no idea what can be done with old computer parts, sorry - just wanted to offer a handhold Flowers

Mindymomo · 01/10/2021 14:20

So sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad in 2013 and still miss him every day, we got on so well and never really had any disagreements. Would you feel able to contact a bereavement service to help you alone. With regards to house clearing, contact a local house clearing company to come in, they will know absolutely everything and if there is anything specialist worth selling, they will tell you. We had to sell FIL’s house last year after he died. He had so much engineering equipment. Most of it was rubbish, but we contacted friends of his to come around and offer to take anything and offer us what they thought acceptable. You could try selling things on local facebook market place groups. You’d be surprised what people buy.

MintyCedric · 01/10/2021 14:24

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this.

I lost my dad at the end of May...he was 83 and had been on 'end of life' care for 14 months, most of which I had been helping look after him until he went into a nursing home for the last 7 weeks.

I totally understand your 'what about me' feelings, between practicalities, supporting mum and single parenting DD who was mid GCSEs when he passed away and has just transitioned to college, I didn't have any time to grieve (we have no extended family).

I returned to work at the end of August having taken a sabbatical to care for dad, and last week I just crashed...had an almighty panic attack and ended up being signed off.

How independent is your son? Is there any respite available?

You really need whatever time and space works best for you to process what has happened and look after yourself, which I know is easier said than done.

I was a real daddies girl and feel like I need to live the rest of my life for him as well as me but don't know where to start.

beautifullymad · 01/10/2021 14:25

I lost my lovely dad in May. It's early days still. I miss him. Life will change as the seasons pass, he was a keen gardener and his robin seems to have adopted me.
Take time to grieve, time to process and don't feel guilty. If you need to wallow don't let others make you feel less.

Would seeking some therapy/counselling be an option? It might be easier to pour out your pain to someone trained to listen.

Peggytheredhen · 01/10/2021 14:41

I am so sorry. I lost my Dad at 71 two years ago. He was our rock, and he and I were similar and got on really well too. I also feel lost without him and that I have been robbed of ten more years. It does get better but I have a cry every now and then at how unfair it is. He died of pneumonia in his sleep and we all thought he was better after GP visits and antibiotics so no real warning. Total shock.

It's so very unfair, and I totally understand the 'what about me' feeling. Flowers

PolarCub · 01/10/2021 15:19

I'm so sorry that you've all lost your Dad's too.

I hadn't considered counselling at this stage, but maybe I should. But in one hand it feels like defeat, which is stupid! But I feel like I've gotten through so much in life (mainly the years fighting for my son's education and needs) that I shouldn't need help.

In one hand my son is very high functioning, but in the other needs a lot of support. But we have also had him moving from home, again, he has had several flats over the last few years. He's changed job, again, and is about to change...again. He's started back to do second year at university, but after the disastrous 1st year (mainly to do with the Uni's technology not working etc) he was all set to do his training/degree another way.
And the fact that his Grandad wasn't just his Grandad, but also very much the Father figure in his life, is devastating for my son. I have always been a single parent and my Dad had always been there for us.

My Dad had helped me source and buy a car just weeks before he became ill. The car is great - it's wheelchair adapted, because I have a physical disability, and means I can now put my scooter in the car, and it's easier to get into, and fab to drive. But every time I look at the car, I want to cry, which again is stupid! I need to get a new battery for the car as it's not holding the charge, but before my Dad would have done that (and researched it to death!), and it all just feels overwhelming.
The back wiper has stopped working too - I think the fuse might have gone, but again Dad would have helped with that. And now I don't know whether to just take it to the mechanic and say just fix it and bill me, but in the same hand Dad would be furious at me for wasting money!

I'm sorry I really am rambling now, but everything just feels so overwhelming.

Anybody know where we might find someone who knows about specialist HIFI equipment?

do you think we could approach the local college or somewhere to see if they might need/want computer parts?

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 01/10/2021 15:56

I am so very sorry Flowers

SparklingLime · 01/10/2021 16:53

I’m so sorry, OP, it’s hard. As you mentioned that you weren’t sure where to post… there’s a bereavement board here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement
and a long running thread about losing a parent that you might find helpful: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

Flowers
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