I feel like I’m grieving but my mum’s still here

[likeimgrieving]

I feel like the worst daughter in the world .

My mum has significant disabilities, they’ve gotten worse and worse over time . I did all her caring for a very long time, but things have gotten so much worse recently . She’s confused all the time, muddled, forgets things and the usual ‘mum’ things she can’t do them anymore . She doesn’t always talk very much to me now and hardly at all to my sister . On paper it’s as if she has Alzheimer’s but they keep saying she doesn’t .

I’m gradually realising she isn’t ever going to get back to herself and I’m devastated . I haven’t had children of my own and she won’t be able to be a proper granny if I ever do, she will always need support and care .

I miss her desperately, I miss her laugh, her conversations, our days out, I’m beside myself with worry and sadness and guilt and anger .

I’ve had therapy for the last few months and we’ve talked about mum but these feelings aren’t disappearing, I’m so bloody angry with myself for not being able to fix it . I lie awake at night worried I’ve failed and that my mum is unhappy and it’s something I’ve caused .

When I was a child I was often separated from her, foster care and stuff. One of my earliest memories is of being lifted up to five her a kiss and being frightened of all the tubes and wires in hospital . I feel like that memory is sticking and frightening me more, but I’m a grown woman of 30 .

I don’t know the best thing to do . I feel like I should spend all day every day with mum to keep her safe but that would be to the detriment of my own life .

Guilt, guilt guilt .

Where do I go with this? I can’t talk to family, that’s a given, and I haven’t got any good friends who would have time to listen , I think, I don’t want to annoy them .

I think the feelings have are natural...maybe rather than try and move on from them you just need to feel them and let them come and go. You haven't done anything to cause this (hugs) it sounds very difficult.

It's also natural to be grieving the person your mum used to be...

Not sure if any of this is helpful but hopefully it might be. You sound like a lovely daughter

Thank you , I’m feeling very alone in the world just now and don’t know what to do for the best .

I feel like I must have caused it all and if I tried harder I could have fixed it but I ended up exhausted and ill .

My family keep saying mums house was dirty … I tried to keep it clean but mum didn’t bother doing anything - anything at all - which was so so hard to cope with . I stopped caring .

I don’t know how to best handle it all; I’m finding I’m getting overwhelmed by it all and no one to really talk to . Just helplines but it’s no substitute for real life .

I'm so sorry. It's very hard. It's not quite the same but my grandma was in a semi-vegetative state the last few years of her life and I felt the same re: mourning her even though she was still alive.

Regarding the therapy, one piece of advice I have is just to keep going. Sometimes it takes a while to start working or in fact it starts working and you haven't even noticed. Have faith in the process.

Wishing you all the best

Oh lovely. It's a horrible part of life. Particularly so with your memories. I'm not sure who can help but gp for a start. I hope somone can offer good advice.

Thank you, I’m scared to approach GP as I’m not sure they’d have the time to listen . I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with it tonight, I’m not settling at all .

My sister rang earlier - she has significant needs of her own and said she’s ‘sad that mummy doesn’t seem to like her anymore’ - I don’t know how I respond to that. I’m heart broken over it all . I feel stupidly like I’ve lost my family, it was only ever my mum my sister and I . Sister is in supported living, mum looks like she is going the same way … I’m thirty FFS, I should be able to handle all this without crying .

My Mum has significant mental ill health and when she was prescribed a new medication which changed her personality, I went through the alive but grieving stage. I found that I had to just accept her for who she became and mourn the loss of my old Mum.

What you describe sounds ridiculously hard. No sibling support or much other family, in fact they sound like they judged you all and you were trying to look after your Mum and sister. I don't think I would have coped as well as you are doing in this situation. It's ok to be upset about it and get as much support as you can, maybe your sister's Support Workers can talk to her and reassure her about your Mum, and can any charities like Age UK advise about your Mum and what to do?

You are still very young yourself to be coping with something like this and without any family support network. I would find this very hard too. I can’t really offer much more to say than that, but your feelings sound completely understandable and I don’t think you should harsh on yourself at all.

So sorry op. We could say ‘don’t feel guilty’ but right now you are feeling that and that is valid. I don’t think there’s any need from what you have written to feel guilty at all. Excellent you are getting therapy and that may well help.
With my lovely old dad who declined physically and mentally before he died and was on the other side of the world I spent years feeling guilty I only saw him 2-3 times a year and wasn’t there to check he hadn’t fallen or whatever ‘every money of every day’ !
My breakthrough took a while but I eventually realised that I was doing what I could, had got him what support I could, was seeing him and talking on the phone as much as possible and that this was simply how it was. Would have been the same if he had lived a mile away. You can’t be there every moment. You sound thoughtful and supportive in difficult circs.

Adult social services? Could be worth a try to arrange a package of care. Perhaps a cleaner if your mum can afford it, if it would help.
You can’t be there all the time

OP you sound, very understandably upset, but exhausted too which is going to make everything seem worse. Can you prioritise some self-care today? Then an early night?

You also sound like a wonderfully caring daughter and sister. You're giving your mum your best in a dreadfully sad and difficult situation. Perhaps guilt and sadness are normal feelings here but you deserve some support for yourself. Then you'll be better able to support your mum and sister.

Know that you are doing your best... You are not a multi-disciplinary team of specialists; you are one woman throwing love at the situation and that is everything x

I would also say be careful when dealing with any services that provide assistance with care for your mum. If you seem too eager to help they may just leave it to you as it’s easier for them. Try to impress that you have your own life and work commitments and can’t be available 24/7. As harsh as that sounds, you do need to look out for yourself and make sure that any help from authorities is forthcoming.

@likeimgrieving

Thank you, I’m scared to approach GP as I’m not sure they’d have the time to listen . I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with it tonight, I’m not settling at all .

My sister rang earlier - she has significant needs of her own and said she’s ‘sad that mummy doesn’t seem to like her anymore’ - I don’t know how I respond to that. I’m heart broken over it all . I feel stupidly like I’ve lost my family, it was only ever my mum my sister and I . Sister is in supported living, mum looks like she is going the same way … I’m thirty FFS, I should be able to handle all this without crying .

It doesn’t matter if you are 3, 30 or 90….you “should” not be expected to handle it without crying if you are distressed, stressed, worried, in pain physically or emotionally. We are all humans and we all grieve in our own ways when people we love are taken from us by death, illness or even misunderstandings/nc. Please stop berating yourself and accept you are processing emotions that are difficult and painful