Had coffee with an ex I still love

[Beachtrip]

Probably shouldn't have, thought I was in a better place emotionally. Clearly I'm not.
Had coffee with an ex and I realised how deeply in love with him I still am.
And now I'm just a mess in my head.
I don't have his number, deleted it ages ago.
He's blocked on social media just so I can't reach out.

I am so in love with him and I have to spend my life feeling this way.

No harm done, you've just realised NC is for the best at least until you're more over the split. Did you just bump into each other or did he get in touch somehow? It absolutely won't be for the rest of your life, these things do wear off eventually. How long since the split?

Over a year since we split.
I made the contact, I had unblocked him on SM a little while back as felt I could (I have issues with blocking people) and then I heard of something and reached out to give condolences.

Little back n forth chat, then coffee. And it hit me so hard when I saw him.
So I've blocked him again for my own preservation.

I don't know what to do with it all.
I so desperately want him back. But I know it wouldn't work. But it's what I want. I love him so much and being around him was so easy and comfortable.
I'm a mess today. Just want to cry

It all sounds very fraught and dramatic OP. The whole star crossed lovers thing can be quite compelling when you’re in the moment but all the hand wringing of “it would never work so I am doomed to wander the moors alone forever” is a bit OTT and not doing you any good. You have two practical options: give it another go or completely sever ties. Either is better than all this agonising over it.

Do it. If it doesn't work you won't spend the last 25 years fucked up like me. I've carried a ghost all this time, been haunted all this time. 12 years later I broke down and slipped into a deep depressive episode that affected my marriage and added to the usual stresses and ultimately, after 19 years together we parted. Six years on and unless my recently lost partner changes her mind I've lost another two. It took splitting up (because I couldn't envisage promising them the future of growing old together) before I managed to break free from everything that was blocking me in and stopping me from seeing it and put my past behind me, hopefully. The worst is that there was absolutely nothing wrong at all with our relationship. We were still happy, it was purely because it had to be.
I'm sick to my core, grief stricken, haven't eaten in 48 hours, have barely slept in a week, am running on coffee and water and smoking heavily. I've lost 3kg in a week. I'm bereft and I am waiting to know if I have another chance, having left it too late.

What are his negative points and why didn’t it work out and what are your issues with blocking people on SM?

Poor communicator which led to arguments and misunderstandings.
He'd bottle stuff up and not talk about it even when I was talking about how I felt on that issue etc then it would pour out at a later date. 10 different issues in one go.

He wasn't the most sociable and struggled with me being more so. He never attempted to restrict me, but it was an unspoken thing that was just there.

Money, there was a big difference in incomes. He was the higher earner and had much more disposable income.

My weird thing about blocking people... I don't know why. I just really dislike it. I do block people when I have to. But it just sits weirdly within me and I don't like it. So I tend to unblock after a while.

I'm not intentionally hand wringing.
I thought I was further along the moving on road then I am.

It's been a year with no contact, yet when I saw him and spoke to him it was as real a feeling as it was back then.
And I guess I'm a bit scared that it isn't going to go away.

I hear you. Hugs xx

Thank you.
I got up once before, I dusted myself off then I can do this again.
It's just never taken me this long to get over someone before.
Guess im just feeling raw and low.
I never put any store by the whole one great love idea, but it's niggling at me now.

Just get back with him if you can. .If it doesn't work out shame but I think its better to try than spend your life pining. But it's up to you.

I never put any store by the whole one great love idea, but it's niggling at me now. - but if you did, it wouldn't be him, because he had emotional issues that wore you down. Anyone can be perfect over coffee. Day in day out compatibility is a very different matter.

@leavesthataregreen

I never put any store by the whole one great love idea, but it's niggling at me now. - but if you did, it wouldn't be him, because he had emotional issues that wore you down. Anyone can be perfect over coffee. Day in day out compatibility is a very different matter.

This is an excellent perspective. I was left destroyed when it ended. And it took work to get up and going again. I'm pining yes, but I don't believe it would work. But god, did I want to just hold him and fall back into the mess.