Best approach with daughter and bullying.

[PeachesandCream2020]

My lovely DD has been getting a bit of hassle at school. The main culprit is another girl, they used to be friends but it changed over night. It has been going on since around June time. The girl puts stuff about dd on Snapchat, has messaged her telling her to kill herself, makes tiktoks about her!

Dd has her blocked on all social media. After the messages telling her to kill herself I contacted 101on the advice from the school and the police came out, they also visited this girls home. I don’t know the outcome but the girl then started posting stuff on social media about the police etc. Dd knows this through mutual friends. The girl also used her friends phone to contact dd with vile messages so dd has now blocked all mutual friends.

The girl was suspended from school back in August after a culmination of incidents, throwing things at dd in class etc. Although she is a problem student in general and the deputy head told me there are separate incidents unrelated to dd that resulted in the suspension. She has now returned to school this week and dd is so nervous about going to school. She has changed so much the past few months it is so sad. She has a group of friends but they are all scared of this girl and no one stands up for dd.

The police basically said there isn’t much they can do, that dd just needs to ignore and keep her blocked on everything. 2 weeks ago the fair was in the village and dd was there with her friends. This girl followed them round the whole time then grabbed my dd by the hair. Dd kicked her and walked away but was so upset. The girl also came to our house a few days later and threw eggs at dds bedroom window. Dd said she doesn’t want me to contact police again as there’s no point because they won’t do anything and it just makes it worse for her!

Dd hasn’t seen her at school yet this week so nothing has happened so far but dd keeps asking to stay at home.

Also today I was making dds bed and found notes in her pillowcase and it was a list of things like “why does everyone hate me”, “why am I ugly” , why am I too scared to kill myself. 🥺 and about 20 other things. She’s a very beautiful girl, she doesn’t take crap from people and will answer this girl back which she obviously doesn’t like but she should be able to go out and to school without worrying about bumping into this girl!

Today at school some boys were being quite mean to her too and she text me asking if I could come and get her as she’s had enough. But on the other hand she said I’ve not to contact the school because it won’t do any good.

I’ve said to her that she can’t just simply not go to school so she’s going to have to let me try and resolve the problems. Sorry this is quite long but any advice welcome. I’ve drafted an email to dds guidance teacher at school but I don’t want to go against dds wishes because she’s sure this will make matters worse for her and she said she just needs to deal with the fact people don’t like her.

Thanks for getting this far…even if no one replies it’s good to get it off my chest because there’s no one I can really vent to.

Your poor DD. In this situation, although I understand why she is saying to leave it alone, if it were me I think I would be explaining that although you totally see her POV, it's still your job to keep her safe. And then I'd go through the school's bullying and safeguarding policies and act upon them to the letter, keeping written evidence and contacting them after every single incident. Your DD sounds very mature and is trying hard to reconcile what is happening, but sometimes, even as adults, we just want someone to step in and sort it out. Do what you need to do to keep her safe.

Thanks for replying, yeah I agree. Deep down she’s possibly wants me to do something so I will. I have a log of every incident, dates times etc. The school always just say they’re disgusted with the behaviour of this girl and they did say she wouldn’t be coming back at all then she appeared yesterday.

This girl picking on your child sounds truly awful - maybe she has an awful home life, maybe she is a budding psychopath, who knows? Its quite telling that others feel they can’t stand up to her.

It’s good you have involved the school and police but it’s concerning to me that it seems to be having such an impact on her mental health. I would encourage speaking to the GP about that and also making the school aware quite how bad things have got for her, ask the school if she can be referred by them for counselling if she is willing to address some of the negative self talk she seems to have developed. Don’t minimise what’s happening yourself either or get too caught up in who’s right or wrong and how things ought to be in an ideal world - you are saying she shouldn’t feel she has to worry about this girl when going to school, but she obviously does and I don’t blame her, she sounds horrible.

I think there are two ways of handling this - one is seriously consider whether your daughter moving schools would be in her best interest as it sounds like it is largely confined to school. Alternatively she and you and the school need to consistently stand up to her every single time and not fall into the trap of not wanting to make a fuss while allowing your daughter’s mental health to be damaged. Most bullies will move on and find an easier target once they realise their target is making their life difficult because of constant repercussions from their bullying being reported time and time again. Most kids naturally fear the consequences of this and it’s true the bullying might initially ramp up and both you and her and the school need to be prepared for that. But eventually she is likely to realise she is causing too many problems for herself by carrying on and it’s not worth the effort. The worst thing you can do is try to pretend it’s not happening and not act. This is one of those times I think you have to be the adult and override your child’s wishes in her best interests.

@Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco thank you, I appreciate that. It’s probably the kick up the backside I need. It’s why I’m sat up at this time worrying so this advice is very helpful. The notes I found are very worrying and a stark contrast to the person she comes across as.

Also the moving schools is tricky. This girl who is the problem has numerous friends at the alternative school and there is a little gang there who all despise dd. There is no reason whatsoever for this. Gang mentality no doubt. The next nearest school is an 80 mile round trip and not possible with my job. I’ve even thought about home schooling but even during lockdown dd was desperate to go back to school because she does like it (pre this crap) and enjoys the social aspect with her friends if nothing else.

This is awful, your poor daughter and poor you.

I really think you need to override her wishes in terms of the school and the police. The throwing eggs at your house and attacking her at the fair ground should be reported to the police, on top of the earlier report of cyber bullying it seems to add up to a picture of harassment which they should take seriously.

Same with school, they obviously have a file an inch thick on this kid but they won’t be able to exclude her for good unless they can show she hasn’t responded to previous censures so I would tell them about the fair/eggs even though it didn’t happen in school.

How old is your girl. She sounds an absolutely fab young person, sticking up for herself when others are too scared but no wonder she is ground down, the notes are very worrying. Please contact the school and let them know how she is suffering. Look after yourself too.

@Mediumred thank you. Yes the notes are worrying. I haven’t told her i found them. But I am going to call 101 tomorrow and log the incidents and also contact the school. They said they would keep in touch but haven’t heard from them even to tell me the girl was coming back as that would have been good to get the heads up! My dd is honestly the strongest girl, she has a wicked sense of humour and tends to laugh things off but I can’t see it in her she’s had enough and it’s just not on. She’s 14 sorry I meant to say in my extremely long OP!

She sounds fab, as do you.

The school were very remiss in not keeping you informed and I think they should be doing more to keep your daughter safe, it’s a safeguarding issue. Really best of luck and you are doing the right thing.

I'd be in touch with the head of year (or whoever is named in school bullying policy) about every single instance, and insisting on a weekly catch up. Point out their errors when they make them and insist they need to do better. Not informing you the girl is returning proves they have not taken seriously the fact this girl is driving your DD step by step closer to a suicide attempt. The onus is on the school to manage this, but it is your DD who is at risk here and it sounds like the school is useless. And sorry to say it is a real risk, around age 15 is a terrible time to be going through this.

Every single teacher involves with your DD should be on watch for this bullying behaviour. And the girl should be in detention at break and lunch time, eating separately if she cannot control herself in break times. Those would be my minimum demands from the school and I would raise hell to make that happen.

Give it two weeks. If the school don't stamp this out, or remove the girl from school, then escalate to HT and governors.

There are too many stories about teen girls self-harming, and successfully committing suicide, goodness knows how many attempt it or contemplate it. To be driven to it by a bully is unacceptable.

By the way, yes, I have personal experience although by the sound of it not as bad, and felt deeply ashamed, terrified my pathetic status as a failed human would be revealed if adults got involved and that even MORE people would despise, bully and laugh at me. But deep down i would have loved for someone to step in and make it better. To try. To know if it got too much, I could say "no more" and take a break from school. But everyone minimised what was happening for years, and I had a truly terrible time in years 10 and 11, until I found some shelter in year 12 and 13 in smaller classes and basically hiding for two years. How I survived Y10 and Y11 I don't know. Having better friends in Y12 and Y13 helped so much. Please don't underestimate what's happening, and if your dd says she needs time off phone the school and say she is too terrified to come in because of the bullying problem THEY have failed to solve.

Make noise. Lots.

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I can fully empathise - used to have to sleep on DDs floor because it got so bad and we were so worried . She's come through it now - and she's stronger and better for it. It gives me no pleasure to say this but Karma is definitely a B. As DD as quietly coped and got stronger the main bully went down a spiral in terms of behaviour and trouble - it doesn't make it right but the the signs were there to help the bully. When I look back I think the main issue they had with DD was there was unhappiness and lack of family support and life in bully's life .. so that was helpful to be able to say this is a reflection of their own unhappiness not what our DDs have done. I would definitely do what @PennyWus says .. my only regret was that I didn't make noise soon enough - I would email the head of year every incident including the line " you have a duty of care to keep my child safe". I wouldn't leave the school unless you have to .. it's so so hard though- well done for reaching out .. oh the other reason I would say make noise is we didn't and then the bully put a bullying complaint against DD ! I told them this had been going the other way for a year and they said they had no evidence - in the end it was addressed as the BS it was but those two weeks were awful

Thanks for your replies, @doubleshotcappuccino and @PennyWus very helpful and sorry you both have experience of this. I have emailed the school this morning at 8am but had no reply as yet.

I’ve kept Dd at home today because I’m not forcing her to go into an environment that’s having such a negative impact on her mental health.

As you say the school have a duty of care and if dd is still subjected to this I will go further up.

Thank you 😊

Get on the phone to school. Ask for safeguarding lead, call or email DAILY. Tell them you are worried for dd’s safety, she is at risk of serious harm, tell them you are considering taking this further with governors and ofsted if not sorted.

First contact school and tell them your DD will not be attending until this girl has been expelled as it has escalated to physical assault and property damage.

Then call the police and tell them this too, that this girl has assaulted your daughter in the street and is vandalising your property and you want her dealt with.

When I was her age, a bully pushed me in front of a bus. This was the latest in a long line of physical attacks and sexual molestation. A particular favourite was pulling my trousers down or following me to the toilet and putting a camera under the door.

My dad called the police for the 3rd time and told them enough was enough and they either deal with the boy or he would and if he had to, they wouldn't like how he did it. Police did give the boy and his friends a caution but didn't stop them.

The boy assaulted me again in the street shoved me over and tried to pull my knickers down. Didn't realise I was waiting outside the shop for my dad. Dad came out, saw it, got him by the throat in the shop doorway and told him if he or any of his friends ever touched me again, he would kill him and anyone who tried to protect him. It stopped. Overnight. None of that group ever looked at me again.

The other 2 girls who bullied me were cornered by my older cousin who had a chat with them and explained that if they didn't leave me alone, she and her friends would be waiting for them after school. Sadly violence seems to be the one language bullies understand.

The school were absolutely useless. I would go police route first and hopefully the threat of a criminal record will light a fire up this girls parent arse to control their vile daughter. If not, is there an older sibling or cousin who could throw their weight around? Bullies are usually intimidated by threats from those bigger than them who are perfectly willing to hurt them.