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Original poster

Teens, boyfriend How often is reasonable?

13 replies

Changesorter · 29/09/2021 22:05

What do you think?

My teen daughter is in throws of her first "relationship". They have been seeing each other about 5 months.
The amount of times he's coming over is beginning to increase. He's a family friends boy so I know his mum well and I have actually known him since he was born. I'm happy, he's likable and he makes her happy which is good given that she's been a through a really tough time and had to change school in the 10.

How many times is it reasonable for then to see each other? They see each other most Saturdays, and they're in the same club on a Tuesday evening, but he's been here after school every day this week and has just asked to come again tomorrow.
I said no, and DD is huffy.

I think 2x a week til 9pm is reasonable for 14 year old on school nights.

We usually end up feeding him too which is nice but I like to know how many we are catering for of an evening!

OP posts:
BlackForestCake · 29/09/2021 23:18

Do they see each other at school?

If not, only getting to see your boyfriend twice a week is a bit harsh.

FortunesFave · 29/09/2021 23:18

I think it's fine to come over more than twice...but do be careful that she doesn't ditch her friends.

Having watched my friend's son get into a relationship aged 14 which got so serious that they stayed together till they were 16 and really quashed one another's development.

She was allowed to stay at his house...they got sexual and weren't ready for it...she was always calling him or texting him...then she ended it with him and he went into a deep depression.

They're fine now...both aged 17 and more normal in their social lives but they missed out on a lot.

Having said that, if you say no...she'll want to see him more. So I would say since you're not having him overnight (nor should you!) that it's fine for him to come over after school IF they're both getting their homework done but be watchful of her ditching her mates.

FortunesFave · 29/09/2021 23:18

@BlackForestCake

Do they see each other at school?

If not, only getting to see your boyfriend twice a week is a bit harsh.

I agree.

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Original poster
Changesorter · 30/09/2021 05:41

They don't see each other at school. He goes to the school she's just left. He's new there.

He just moved back into the area after 7 years living abroad so he's new to the area really. They got together within a few days of the family returning to this area. (Totally unexpected! They hadn't been in touch much).

I'm slightly worried that he cleaved to her and really he should be trying to spend more time meeting new friends. I also think DD should be trying to carve out a place for herself and getting know new friends. In her new school.

OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 30/09/2021 05:50

Considering that DS the same age hangs out with his friends every day after school, the latest was 7pm, I think you're being a bit harsh. How's seeing her boyfriend any different?

Original poster
Changesorter · 30/09/2021 06:08

She's never done much hanging out after school tbh, she didn't have much in the way of mates in her old.school, that's part of the reason we ended up moving school they were a bunch of little bullies who made her life hell.

They see each other at the club they go to on Tuesday. The two evenings over is separate to that.

This is all new to me.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 30/09/2021 06:19

Hmm I think you’re reasonable. Boyfriend or not I wouldn’t want another teen in my house every night, having to do them dinner etc. It would feel like they’d moved in! Shock

HarebrightCedarmoon · 30/09/2021 06:23

Twice a week sounds fine to me. I imagine she has a good deal of homework and other out of school activities to attend as well, and OP is are feeding him when he comes round, so it's her time and energy too.

OrangeTortoise · 30/09/2021 06:26

So it’s 2x per week plus Saturday plus the club on Tuesday? That sounds like more than enough to me! I’m really surprised at the posters saying it’s not enough!

Original poster
Changesorter · 30/09/2021 06:28

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmm I think you’re reasonable. Boyfriend or not I wouldn’t want another teen in my house every night, having to do them dinner etc. It would feel like they’d moved in! Shock
It is beginning to feel like that a bit! Also he's relying on lifts from one or other of the adults. Either his mum comes here or we drop him home.
OP posts:
Mindymomo · 30/09/2021 07:27

You are right to set times and visits. My DS had a girlfriend, he was 17 and she was 14. She lived near and was around our house virtually all the time, apart from when she stayed with separated DF. They were together for 3 years, she still kept her close friends, but my DS kept in contact, but didn’t see them much. The girls mother didn’t want her round at ours a lot, but it caused problems. I wish I had said ok to 3/4 times a week, set days. They went out for 3 years, but have broken up now.

Loveme2times · 30/09/2021 13:36

That's really difficult when a close relationship forms at that age (from experience looking back!). Teenagers sometimes think they know it all, but far from it.

It's critical both keep their focus on school, their own hobbies, their own friends group, etc.

My DM kept me very very busy with hobbies!

FortunesFave · 30/09/2021 23:06

Teens 'moving in' is just part of having teens! I've had a few of my DD's friends 'move in' where they spent an inordinate amount of time here.

Boys of course...bit different as you don't want them getting too involved I suppose.

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