Should I go back to work full time?

[MsAnnFrope]

Because I feel uncomfortable that DH earns more than me.
DH has a full time fairly demanding job - quite a bit of travel and no set hours, just getting the job done.
I work part time for a charity. I earn 1/4 of his salary. I just feel like I’m not contributing enough to the pot.
When we had DD we agreed that I would work more flexibly, due to a health condition I find full time harder (but not impossible). She’s now at school and I do the school runs, clubs, social life stuff and generally look after life admin.

DH does equal childcare on weekends and we both do housework as needed.

I feel like I am worthless due to earning so much less.
I do volunteer work in a creative role which I adore but feel like I’m taking advantage. I can only volunteer and work for a charity because he earns so well.

I’ve seen a couple of full time jobs which would take me substantially higher earning wise. I do wonder if I should be looking to do this now DD is getting older?

Does anyone else feel like this?
For full disclosure DH is very happy and feels our relationship is loving and balanced and I am my own worst critic.

I feel like I am worthless due to earning so much less.

You absolutely aren't. You sound like a considerate partner and mum. Your salary does not define you.

Why are you so hard on yourself? You are doing plenty and you don’t need the money.

I don’t think any money is worth the extra stress. You have a job and are looking after a lot of other things too. Sounds like you are doing a good job to me, don’t rock the boat for more money.

You do a lot of the unquantifiable work. If you don't need the money and your DH is happy for you to volunteer, I really can't see how working FT is going to make your life better. You need to accept the value in working PT and dealing with the life admin. You'll end up doing it on top and being exhausted. For what?

I would look at increasing your hours / getting a new job because you are a bit bored / need a new challenge rather than insecurity about how much you are earning compared to DH.

What is your pension pot like compared to his? That is worth comparing and actively trying to change / equalise - using 'his' money.

Do you criticise others like this? I doubt it!

There is a good book called ‘taming your gremlin’ and you should read that and cut that voice off. All the best.

Thanks lovely vipers! And no I actively avoid judging other people’s life choices.

I’ll look into taming my gremlin @3luckystars

@Taswama we are overpaying my pension as I’m younger than DH and did 5 years postgrad where my tax/NI contribution was minimal.

I feel like I am worthless due to earning so much less.

Yes, not surprised you feel this way as we are taught from birth to equate success in life with a large paycheque. Even if our parents had more balanced teachings, the schools constantly tell us and our children to study study study because it’s necessary for your future career (aka work forty years). Then there is that cultural work ethic that says if you’re not working every hour of the day, you’re lazy and a drain on society....I think it’s roots are in the Christian religion the whole Devil makes work for idle hands saying.

So your feelings are normal response but that doesn’t make them correct. What matters is you and your DH are a team and if he is happy to be making the money while you do everything else AND volunteer...(you do a lot), then that is all that matters. We only get one life and you don’t have to work FT with a big pay packet to be valuable and worthy.

Well I don't think you worth is based on what you earn.

I earn alot more than dp. But because of his work I can drive to Glasgow at 4am on a Monday morning knowing ds will be looked after and taken to and from school.

Neither mine or dps worth to the family is really based on wage.

I do get why you feel that. I felt similar on mat leave, but its absolutely not true.

If you want to work more, because you want to then do it. Don't do it, because of some misguided notion that you need to increase your worth in the family.

I worked FT until DS2 started school. And then the wheels fell off. It was one thing too much to juggle, and I quit for 5 years, as reduced hours were declined.
PT is the dream. I'm now FT, but only 39 weeks per year, which removes one of the headaches-school holidays.
It sounds like the pairing of your homework, and DHs pay check work make a good combination. Go for the FT job if you really want the job. Dont do it if you want to upset the balance for the sake of a bigger paycheck.

One big exception would be if the extra money would make a big difference to the number of days with no money at the end of the month, but I'm guessing the fact that you dont mention greater salary meaning paying off debt, or being able to buy more than basics food and pennypinching means that the money would be nice but not necessary.

@PeonyTime no we are lucky to have no debt apart from a small mortgage.
It’s hard because we have a very successful group of friends and while my job is interesting it is certainly never going to be well paid unless I move out of the charity sector.

There are several ways to think of this

1. what would it cost to provide the family with what you do (eg by hiring a live in nanny/housekeeper) now add this to your pay
2. your DH could not earn what he does if he had to do 50% of all childcare/domestic tasks, so you have partly “earned” his income as you have enabled it
3. you being more stressed and stretched would in many ways make the family worse off

And stop comparing yourself to your friends! Bet half of them would love to work your hours

Who would do the things you do now if you were working full time? My guess is they’d still fall to you because you’re both used to you keeping on top of things. So you’d be working full time and still carrying the load at home - unless you could afford to outsource your life admin type stuff.

There's nothing wrong with your set up if you're both genuinely happy and comfortable with it. Trouble is, you're not, so you need to look at why your feelings of self worth are so low; whether you'd feel happier in a different job, or whether there are other routes to you feeling better about yourself.

The only thing I would say is that it's wise to future proof yourselves as much as possible in case your situation changes. Your dh may be very happy right now in his high pressure job, but life throws curveballs, he may get sick, or reach a point where he wants a different work life balance, redundancy could strike.. That's perhaps the major downside of partnerships where there's a really big disparity in earning. It's fine when it's all working well, but if something happens, it can leave you vulnerable.

It’s odd. I saw another thread where OP was regretting not having a high flying career.
I fully related. I feel like as an academic person I should be fulfilling that potential through work which pays well. Whole lotta should going on!

I’ve only just gone back to work, PT and term time only as we have two children with autism. I’ve often looked at better paid roles but then like today when one of my kids specialist schools said last night they had to move them to remote learning at home I could be around.

@BettyCarver you are so right about vulnerability. We do have critical illness/redundancy/life insurance and try to keep the fixed outgoings low.
I could if DH wanted to change his work go full time but I’d still be on half what he earns!

He does the kind of job people tend to do til they are aged and shifted out the building but I’ve know a couple of people die young lately and it’s shaken me!

OP it doesn't need to be now or never!

I was a SAHM until both DC were at primary school. Then I worked part time for local charities, earning a pittance but able to do school runs / holiday care / nativity plays etc.

I did feel like my potential was being wasted (especially when younger, less able but child-free colleagues were promoted ahead of me) but imo it was worth it to spend those years prioritising my DC.

Now that they are both at high school and don't need holiday childcare / collecting from school, and their after school activities are later in the evening, I have returned to FT work. I'm now at a large national charity where my experience in smaller charities serves me well and I'm earning much more. I do get fulfilment from my career, which helps my self-esteem and confidence as well as my pension and the family finances.

Maybe a similar approach might work for you?

@MegBusset I needed to hear that. I have at least 25 years left of working life. My volunteering is in an area I’d like to move into.
I think I just feel guilty about having the luxury of choice! But DH does say he genuinely loves his job and me being at home has allowed his to progress in a way he never could if he’d gone PT or not been able to travel, attend meetings at odd times on no notice etc

Are you questioning your self-worth with regard to your income, or are you bored?

If you are genuinely bored and wanting to expand and adapt, might be time for your OH to thank you for enabling his career, take a step back to focus on family and home, and allow you to spread your wings.

*I was a SAHM until both DC were at primary school. Then I worked part time for local charities, earning a pittance but able to do school runs / holiday care / nativity plays etc.

I did feel like my potential was being wasted (especially when younger, less able but child-free colleagues were promoted ahead of me) but imo it was worth it to spend those years prioritising my DC.

Now that they are both at high school and don't need holiday childcare / collecting from school, and their after school activities are later in the evening, I have returned to FT work. I'm now at a large national charity where my experience in smaller charities serves me well and I'm earning much more. I do get fulfilment from my career, which helps my self-esteem and confidence as well as my pension and the family finances*

That's weird, Meg, I think you could be me!

I'm 6 weeks into my new FT job at a national charity and absolutely love it! It's the first time I've worked full time since I was 26 and I've been doing the school run single handedly since 1992...

I feel like a new woman - and it's also doing wonders for my self confidence, my pension and the family finances too.

Have you actually done the maths on working full time? I worked out that at my current pay grade I'd only be about £4k better off per year working full time all year rather than 20 hours a week 30 weeks a year. By the time I've taken off tax, NI, student loans and massively increased childcare bills plus extra travel it's not worth it.

I'm in a similar position. I work 19 hours over 3 days and husband works full time and earns more than 3 times what I do.
We have 4 children. One at secondary, two at primary and one at nursery. We are both happy with the current set up. Life is pretty stressful on my working days as my job is full on and busy. The two days I don't work give me time to sort the house out and time with my youngest who doesn't go to nursery on my days off. School holidays are tough as my one son hates holiday clubs. Preferring to stay at home and complain about being bored while we try to work! I feel that us both working full time at this stage in our lives would be very difficult. As things stand we don't have to pay for childcare and do all school drop off and pick ups between us
I probably won't go full time for a good few years. Maybe I will increase my hours when my youngest starts school. Maybe not. We are a joint bank account couple though and it all goes in the pot.

I’m also very lucky that I can mostly work from home and my job is actually not boring at all but mentally stimulating.
I’d have to move organisations and likely sector for full time.

I will have to work out if it is financially worth it!