How do I handle this? 7yo and clubs

[MedusasBadHairDay]

We haven't previously been able to get the kids into after school activities like Brownies etc because of work commitments/funds, but things have changed recently so we arranged for DD to go join the local Brownies. She was really excited about this initially, and absolutely loved her first session. Didn't talk about anything else for a few days after.

However the second week just as the doors opened she burst into tears and said she didn't want to go after all. She did eventually go in, and was apparently fine while she was there. When we collected her she was full of enthusiasm, bounced all the way home, telling us it was the best thing ever.

Two days later she's in floods of tears telling us she doesn't want to go.

She's due back today, this morning we had tears about it, at school pick up she was saying how maybe she would go, but by the time we got home it's back to the tears again. And she's insisting she never wants to go back.

Which is then followed by even more tears because then she won't have a club to go to. 🙈

As far as I can make out she's largely anxious about being away from me, DH and her brother. The last time she went anywhere without any of us was when she was in nursery and she obviously doesn't remember that.

She's a fairly shy child, but normally makes friends easily. And has already told me who she's made friends with at Brownies, so don't think it's that she's feeling left out.

She also said she's not used to it yet, but it's only been 2 sessions, so I wouldn't expect her to be yet.

I don't want to force her to go, but also worry that if I let her quit something she was clearly enjoying due to anxiety it'll mean the anxiety wins out, and she'll find it harder to try new things.

I'm leaning towards letting her skip it this week, and trying to get her to go next week. But will that make it more difficult?

What would you do?

I'd remind her of all the things she likes about it, and then send her.
I don't see that missing a week will help.

Maybe say she has to go every week until half term and then decide for the next half term? Don't make the promise until she is going without tears though.

As she is fine when there I think I would be quite matter-of-fact and just say “I know you feel worried about going, but you enjoy it when you’re there and if you keep going you’ll get used to being with your friends”. Don’t make too much of a fuss and if it’s still a problem after, say, a month then you can review and see if she would really rather not go.
My dd has to be urged into doing things sometimes, although she doesn’t get upset, she is just adamant that she doesn’t want to do it. I very often find that once she’s done it she’s fine.

I should probably add that she's had a really disrupted couple of years, obviously covid and being out of school/not seeing family, but we've also moved house to an entirely new town, so new school. She's settled in well, but we moved just before the summer holidays, and couldn't get them into the school until September, so she'd had an extended time where she's been away from other kids. I did try to get her into something during the holidays, but every where was oversubscribed.

So it's a perfect storm really, and it makes me think that she'd actually enjoy Brownies if she persevered.

It sounds like she's generally feeling a bit insecure/unsettled: a lot going on in her little life from what you've written, as you say it's the perfect storm (and not your fault btw, I'm not being critical). I have 1 very shy DC and 1 semi-shy DC: they always wobble at the point of leaving me (and are usually fine once I've disappeared).

Agree with other posters that being factual helps. Go gently, acknowledge the 'wrench' / reflect it back to her in a matter of fact way, so that she feels heard, and then when she comes out, repeat back to her of all the positives in that moment and then in others (when she's not upset), as this will help solidify the experience in her mind as a positive one.

If you can get her to go, it will be a really useful lesson for her. And one that you can apply to other situations when she's having a wobble (ie "you remember when you found going to Brownies hard? You went anyway, and you remember you did X and Y when you went, didn't you?" etc.).

(As an adult I can still be wobbly going into new places/events so I can empathise! Bless her.)

Could you go with her and stay for the session?

Be really specific about what she enjoyed - “do you remember last week when the Owl brought newspaper in and you made a letter from cut-out words?” Or whatever. And “What craft do you think you’ll do next week?” etc. Really specific about the activities that she likes.
Say things like “whilst you were at Brownies, I hoovered the house / sorted the bills /washed up / watched Newsnight / just some incredibly mundane unappealing task
When she cries about it, give her a hug, tell her she needs to give it time to settle in, and then redirect her to something else.

Mine is in the same boat. I've told her she has to do 7 sessions (just turned 7 years old) and is she doesn't want to go after that we won't send her. Worked so far.

Thank you for all the advice everyone! You've helped me feel a lot less like a horrible mum! We've just dropped her off, she went in ok, so we'll see how she is when she comes out. I'm expecting she'll be really happy, in which case I'll get her to tell me what she enjoyed so I can remind her of it next week.

It's difficult.

My girls loved after school clubs of all sorts. Ds was not particularly keen but did 3 ones with various degrees of enthusiasm.
He was then ill for a term aged 8yo and didn't want to do any of them. I left it a term then told him he was doing one, and gave him a list to choose from and said he had to stick at it for a term.
He chose one (drama) for the simple reason it was only an hour, whereas all the others were 90minutes or 2 hours.
He spent the term not wanting to go. So I asked him what he wanted to do instead the next term. he said he supposed he'd continue with drama.
About half term he bounced out and asked if he could do another session on Saturday. By the next year he was doing 5 hours a week, and now he's doing about 10 hours a week and costing me a fortune

So I would continue, but put an end date if she still isn't enjoying it. But, saying they have to do something means that she then needs to choose something else.
Some dc love doing the same one all the time (my dd1 was like that), some prefer to do lots of new things (dd2's more like that) but I suspect from what you've said she'll be more continuing with the one that's familiar.

How did she do?
My DS is 6 and he was similarly funny about Beavers. Probably because he didn't know any kids there. But we sent him a few times and he loves it now.

She absolutely loved it, told me she couldn't wait to go back and made me spend the rest of the evening looking up loads of information on Brownie songs and uniforms 😁

Glad she got on OK.

Both of my kids are like this. They get really anxious about going to anything, but do generally enjoy it. Covid really hasn't helped them at all .

Ds was similar at this age (and still a bit at 9). On the being matter of fact idea, I leveled up by refusing to engage on the worries after we had talked it through once. He was "allowed" one season of wallowing in the anxiety then if he brought it up again, I (kindly, I'm not a total monster ) told him I wasn't talking about that right now and we changed the subject. For him, I found that worry breeds worry.

Hope your dd gives Brownies a go. I've just finished up as a leader after 5 years and it was lovely to watch the girls grow and become themselves over the years.

@MedusasBadHairDay

She absolutely loved it, told me she couldn't wait to go back and made me spend the rest of the evening looking up loads of information on Brownie songs and uniforms 😁

Just be aware that she may come to next week and again have to be dragged there. I've got one who used to love it, can't wait until next week, then next week comes and didn't want to go. It took her a term to start looking forward to it and wanting to go on almost everything she did.

Oh yeah, I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. 😂

Ds was the same. I insisted on giving it a go for half a term like a pp and that always worked. She'll be fine!

Please make sure the Leader knows about this. It's really helpful to know that you need to keep a special eye out for children who feel like this - just making sure they have a partner, someone to sit next to etc, even a special word at the end of the meeting about how well they've done, what's happening next week etc.

@Seeline

Please make sure the Leader knows about this. It's really helpful to know that you need to keep a special eye out for children who feel like this - just making sure they have a partner, someone to sit next to etc, even a special word at the end of the meeting about how well they've done, what's happening next week etc.

I'll have a word next week, it was bucketing down last night so didn't get a chance.