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Original poster

to feel sad my friends are having children and im not

23 replies

Bexxe · 28/09/2021 11:02

I think i just need a bit of a hand hold really, and a reality check.
I feel such a spoilt brat but my DP brother and his fiance have just told us they are going to begin TTC, and i cant help but feel a pang of jealousy that they are trying and my partner still wants to wait.
There's no doubt in my mind my DP is the only one i want children with and he is the perfect partner in almost every aspect, I've just hit the time where i want to TTC and he (logically) feels we should wait until we are a bit more financially stable (he is in the process of setting up his own business and adding this pressure would probably give him a heart attack)

For clarity, i am 26 and he is 24, we both really want kids and see it happening in the near future but I've reached the point before him and its so hard seeing everyone around me taking that step.

Please can everyone tell me I'm being a child and just be happy for others Sad

OP posts:
Pancakeorcrepe · 28/09/2021 11:04

You are so young! Go out and enjoy life and youth instead of moping around. You literally have your whole life ahead of you.

Mumtotwo2021 · 28/09/2021 11:08

I was in the same boat as you hun I was ready before my partner it does hurt a little seeing other people announce there pregnancy when you want it so bad. But believe me the feeling you get when they tell you there ready is the best feeling in the world and gives so much excitement knowing its what you both want and that your both ready. Wishing you well xx

Original poster
Bexxe · 28/09/2021 11:25

Thanks both - i completely agree!
Ive always wanted to be a fairly 'young mum'. I did a lot of living when i was younger, and guess feel ready to not be putting myself first and shift my focus.

Mumtotwo2021 - thats what i keep telling myself. I've always said its more important who i have children with as apoose to when, i guess im just wishing we were at the same point but i agree it will be worth it when we get there!

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RampantIvy · 28/09/2021 11:29

Please try not to worry. You are young, and TBH I don't know any 24 year old young men who want to tie themselves down with children yet. You both have plenty of time.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 28/09/2021 11:31

My friends all had children in their late teens. I didn’t, I was the boring one with a job. I felt utterly left behind. My partner of the time was the only man I could envision myself being with, and he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t even ready to talk about getting engaged.

That continued through to my mid-20s… most of my friends were on second and third babies.

We split when I was 25. I got fed up of waiting for him to be ready to propose and asked him if he actually wanted to get married… rather than the fluffy “I’ll ask you but I want it to be a surprise when I can afford the ring” style answers, he had to say yes or no. He said no. I cannot tell you how devastated I was.

I’m now 31, married, and in my final trimester. My husband is a better man than I ever imagined. He is so excited for the baby that it’s untrue. He signs to it; reads to it, chats to it. He’s been invested in getting all the baby stuff, following the apps, reading baby books. It’s been lovely. It wouldn’t have been half the experience if he wasn’t so ready.

I’m self employed and it’s scary enough, and I’ve been stable for years! I couldn’t have done it pregnant or with a newborn.

I always thought I’d be a young mum too, and it is weird that my friends have kids coming into their teens and I’m having my first, but I’m so happy. Honestly, the wait was absolutely worth every second, even the really painful ones.

RandomMess · 28/09/2021 11:34

Use these next few years to really save, pay oodles into your pension as well as enjoying the time you have.

Yes emotionally is hard having to wait but absolutely get your ducks in a row financially to save for your future in your name.

Mumtotwo2021 · 28/09/2021 11:36

I totally get you hun but least you both know your wanting kids in the future and thats something to look forward too. Xx

Dillydollydingdong · 28/09/2021 11:37

Why don't you agree on a timescale? Say when you get to 30? Your dp is very, very young to be a father! And what about providing a stable, solid family background for this proposed family? Ie getting married first?

Twizbe · 28/09/2021 11:44

You're very young still. Have you discussed getting married? There are a lot of reasons to marry before kids, but it's also a way of moving forward and feeling like something is happening

NegativeNelly · 28/09/2021 12:01

Hi,
I feel exactly like you me and my partner are 26. And we've got the house and are getting married in February, but I fee like I'm ready now but my partner wants to wait and do some travelling first next year. It is tough but I just gotta suck it up because he is the man I want to father my children and see a future with and I know that when it does happen it'll be magical. Smile

Original poster
Bexxe · 28/09/2021 12:02

Marriage is definately on the cards! Were not engaged but we both have very similar life goals.
We suffered a very early miscarriage 18 months ago and i think since then i have always had a fear i cant carry to full term - which is why children are a priority whilst im in the peak fertility age range i guess (makes sense in my head but could be chatting complete arse!)

We are both young yes i agree, with DP younger than I. He had a bad up bringing and has been living independantly since 16, he has always been way more mature than his age because he had to be. We both are doign well financially, and both have good careers. As mentioned, DP is currently setting up his own business alongside his full time job . He is also excited for children, but wants to be 'as stable as possible' as he wants to give his children everyhting he didnt have as a child. He makes perfect logical sense, but the illogical side of me just want to get cracking haha!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bexxe · 28/09/2021 12:04

@NegativeNelly

Hi, I feel exactly like you me and my partner are 26. And we've got the house and are getting married in February, but I fee like I'm ready now but my partner wants to wait and do some travelling first next year. It is tough but I just gotta suck it up because he is the man I want to father my children and see a future with and I know that when it does happen it'll be magical. Smile
My partner has alsosaid he wants to travel, but has now realised theres no reason why we cant travel with a child after having a lengthy discussion with a couple who travelled europe in a camper when there baby was 6 weeks old!
OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 28/09/2021 12:06

Financial stability is far more important to family life than you can predict before you start a family. Your partner is right, especially as he is only 24. You both have plenty of time. Why not use the meantime to build savings etc? I appreciate it’s hard watching other people start families when you want to, but you’ll be very glad you waited when the time comes.

Daisyandroses · 28/09/2021 12:09

I understand. I know people have children late these days but I don’t think 26 is too young at all to start thinking about TCC, especially if you want more than one child.

I met DH at 19, and knew that the main thing I always wanted was to get married and have a family. He knew that and if it was his decision he would probably have waited till about 35! I had Dd at 26, twins at 29 and our family is complete, and now we get to enjoy them. We had travelled a lot already though and bought our house etc.

Can you look at getting engaged? And plan to TCC after the wedding? Which realistically would be a few years away anyway!

Doglicks · 28/09/2021 12:12

26? Oh no please wait at least another 5 years!!!!! You have so much life to live first.

May i refer you to this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4360931-Worn-down-by-motherhood

Having children is mostly a big bag of anxiety and worry, mixed with love. You've plenty of time for all that.

Daisyandroses · 28/09/2021 12:15

@Doglicks not for everyone.

I love being a younger parent.

DarlingFell · 28/09/2021 12:24

You are SO young! And your partner is 24, that's just way, way too young and if you were my children, I would be so disappointed if you had a baby at this age. Live your lives and enjoy yourselves, you have plenty of time to saddle yourselves with a baby and all that entails, especially if you aren't in a financial position to bring the baby up securely.

DarlingFell · 28/09/2021 12:24

@Doglicks

26? Oh no please wait at least another 5 years!!!!! You have so much life to live first.

May i refer you to this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4360931-Worn-down-by-motherhood

Having children is mostly a big bag of anxiety and worry, mixed with love. You've plenty of time for all that.

This ^ x a hundred
Original poster
Bexxe · 28/09/2021 12:31

Thanks everyone! These are exactly the answers I was after 😂💓

OP posts:
Ilkleymoor · 28/09/2021 12:43

You can travel with a child but it's completely different - and more expensive. Do some travel first, it's absolutely worth it.

Maybe discuss a more realistic age to start trying and see if having that agreed helps you put it to one side and enjoy living now.

MouseholeCat · 28/09/2021 12:51

It does suck when you're ready and your partner isn't, but with hindsight I'm really glad my DH took longer to be ready. It's much better with you both being on the same page and you'll probably have access to more financial resources, which I do think makes a difference.

Talk to him about the milestones he wants to reach before you have kids. For us, it was paying off DH's student loans (they were US ones, so big!), buying a house in a family-friendly neighborhood and having some time to both work on rennovation projects before we started trying.

Ilkleymoor · 28/09/2021 12:53

Also be aware that you don't know the kind of child you will have or parent you will be. I am naturally unstructured and have travelled extensively off the beaten track. I am now a routine based parent and although we have travelled with our child in the UK, it's not a sling them in a papoose and be at one with nature kind of way - and not just due to covid.

Hoping to go to a family friendly music festival next year which is more like the parent I vaguely expected to be - but that's been years in the making!

RampantIvy · 28/09/2021 13:04

Financial stability is far more important to family life than you can predict before you start a family.

TheProvincialLady is right. Don't underestimate how much of a financial drain having children is. Make sure you are financially independent if you decide not to get married.

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