Worn down by motherhood

[Whysohard]

I’m mentally exhausted with it all. I had no idea it would be this hard and it just keeps getting harder. If I’d known it would be like this I would have stayed childless.

It’s just one thing after another, a constant round of relentless problems and issues.
DD has just started secondary so of course there are multiple issues, last night she was crying because her friend in her form was off sick so she spent the day alone. Despite her being a lovely kind girl she has zero self confidence or self worth. Despite me and DH pouring love into her since the day she was born.

My DS also has zero self worth and is having issues at school so I spent last night dividing my time between worrying about him and his sister. Despite providing a loving home with two parents who care deeply about them both have no confidence, why? Starting to think it must just be in their DNA.

DS has a medical appointment next week which I’m losing sleep over because it could be bad news and I don’t know how he or I are expected to cope.

All this whilst trying to hold down a stressful job.

It’s too much. I remember the days of not having to worry about children and yearn to go back.
Why does no one warn you?

I hear you

I hear you. One of mine has just started sixth form and the other just started second year of secondary. It does seem to just change and be a different set of worries as they grow older.

I'm not sure what the solution is but I so try a technique sometimes which is to have a 'worry time' in the week so try and compartmentalise things to certain times rather than having it overwhelm you.

Yes it’s hard. Nothing prepares you for it.
On the self confidence thing do they do sports? I was a horribly self conscious child and was worried about dd so have thrown her into sports and clubs left right and centre. I realise a lot of it is personality but I’ve seen more nervous kids come out of themselves playing sports

I had a crap childhood so took a 5 year career break to spend time with them both when they were little. I took them to playgroups, nursery, scouts, ballet, football, brownies. You name it I took them. Oh and I signed them up for music lessons. DS enjoyed some of these clubs but packed them all in by age 11. DD hated them all. She cried at nursery, couldn’t make friends in reception blah blah blah. It’s been a nightmare.

DD did enjoy swimming club but packed that in during the pandemic & refused to start up again. There are clubs at her secondary which I know she’d enjoy like chemistry but she refuses to try & would rather it seems wander around the school alone.

I guess a lot of it is my frustration. I don’t think I could have been a better mother nor DH a better father but they both struggle so much with low self esteem, low confidence, body issues etc. It’s exhausting.

I hear you too. I often say that if id have known how tough motherhood was going to be i wouldn't have done it.

Babies were a piece of piss looking back. Teenage boys are something else.

It’s so nice to hear that it’s not just me. I try to talk to friends about this but they look at me wide eyed and tell me how their kids love school, have SO many friends, are SO busy at the weekend etc etc. There is a bloke at work who I confide in, he’s also having issues with his dd in secondary & hearing about his struggles is actually one of the highlights of my working day 😂

Sorry you/ they are having a tough time of it. I spent most of secondary alone but I did eventually find a little niche group I was happy with and things got a lot better. I’m a high school teacher and you do get kids like this sometimes and I’ve always had an open door for them at lunch time or break time. The library is were a lot if them feel safe too. Can you speak to the form teacher and ask they keep an eye ?

I hated secondary school too. My mum signed me up for loads of clubs too but they just felt exhausting for me each week. The school system isn't built for every child.

I know this is going to sound trite and annoying…but nothing worth having is easy.

I’m at teen end now and look back at the hard labour days in actual awe as to how I did it. I did it in my own too. Literally no idea how I did it.

But now, late 40s, there is no doubt motherhood takes us to places we never thought possible.

There’s a quote from an actress (perhaps Sophia Loren?) who said something like”I stayed childless so I could stay under the illusion I’m a nice person”

It means that it’s easy to be nice when you aren’t challenged to the core by being a mother.

One day you’ll look back….

My DC was very underconfident at secondary school, but blossomed at University and now are super confident with a great job and partner. School is not great for everyone.

My kids are much younger so I am probably talking out of my arse.

BUT - I think you need to step back a bit. I read your post as saying 'my childhood was crap, I've poured time and money into these kids, why aren't they happy?' It's a pressured way to look at things. Give them the message that they are ok in themselves and you'll love them no matter what. There's a pressure of expectation when you set up so much extra curricular stuff.

Do stuff to manage your own stress - walking, yoga etc.

It’s not just about school though it’s all the worry and stress of being a parent. DD has a hospital appointment next week about a minor procedure she needs to have done & DS also has a more serious medical appointment. I’ve lost sleep worrying about it.

I think it doesn’t help in that we have no family support. Luckily DH and I have each other because grandparents aren’t interested. We both have brothers who don’t have children so no cousins for our children. It’s really lonely.

I hear you. I"m a single parent, two teens and they both still need so much ''cheerleading'' it's exhausting. I have to be the ''brain'' for the whole family. No partner. I am the to do list for three people and I get tutted and disregarded because there is nobody to stand up for me and say ''don't talk to your mother like that''.

I feel really depleted.

enid yes you are right to some extent. I’ve tried to give them a happy childhood so they can be confident in school and life in general. However I’ve never pressurised them. They both packed in all their clubs which I let them do & didn’t force them to carry on with football etc I don’t put pressure on them about school grades etc but this doesn’t stop DS worrying obsessively about his GCSE results. I’m actually quite laid back towards them & they have (thankfully) no idea how much I worry about them.

I have a job, friends, hobbies which are a good distraction but it doesn’t stop the relentless mental exhaustion of parenting.

@EnidFrighten

My kids are much younger so I am probably talking out of my arse.

BUT - I think you need to step back a bit. I read your post as saying 'my childhood was crap, I've poured time and money into these kids, why aren't they happy?' It's a pressured way to look at things. Give them the message that they are ok in themselves and you'll love them no matter what. There's a pressure of expectation when you set up so much extra curricular stuff.

Do stuff to manage your own stress - walking, yoga etc.

I think the issues caused by increased self-consciousness only really come to the fore at about 13

My DC were quite confident when they were YOUNG.

They are loved. I did everything I was supposed to do. Validated their perspective.

But they still get crippled with self-consciousness. My dc1 is worse. Dc2 is OK, he doesn't care what people think but he doesn't care what I think either.

I do yoga and it is good for me but it doesn't make these issues go awy.

Maybe focus on resilience OP, both for you and your kids, as you seem to be overly adversely affected by commonplace events.

The difficult parts make the joyful bits better and deeper, but I agree, motherhood is not easy.

Sorry I just read your ds has a more serious medical issue - worrying about these things can put a negative light on everything else, I hope you and ds get good news

It does feel like as soon as you sort one problem out, another one rears its head

You’re not the only one Op
It’s exhausting being a good parent.
Like you, me and dh have given our dcs many opportunities in life ; travel , cultural experiences, brownies, ballet , swimming academic support etc. We have never forced them to do anything , yet they still have their problems. Sometimes it annoys me because I think that as me and dh have given them a great life that they shouldn’t have any issues. I know that life is not as simple as that, but I was brought up by a single mother who had three jobs and I was confident, determined
and grateful for my life.
I love my dcs but sometimes I do wonder why I signed up for a life of permanent worry

Op I am going through the challenging teen years and I really feel for you . A lot of us are feeling down ATM. I think the pandemic has been tough as we have been doing all the hard bits without having the relief of the fun bits in between! Don't be too hard on yourself. You have been parenting through a global pandemic dammit, so pat yourself on the back and give yourself some credit!

I agree with pp that some DC take longer to develop confidence than others, and starting secondary can be a very tricky time for girls and friendship issues.

How confident are you in yourself? Children tend to do what we do and not as we say. Try and step back slightly from the minutiae of their friendships at school. Obviously it's very hard if your daughter is crying and the line between "being sympathetic" and "being encouraging" is very difficult to get right. It's not our job to remove problems from their lives though; but to teach them how to negotiate the bumps in the road.

Were you positive with your DD last night? Did you teach her that her friend being away was an opportunity to become friends with other people? Obviously while acknowledging that the start of secondary school can be difficult for everyone and that it's normal to feel scared and upset sometimes. Everyone does! And that school is a place where we have good and bad days and that's ok.

Do your DC have any responsibilities? Maybe a pet like a guinea pig would help them feel responsible for something and that would help their confidence? (But be careful not to add to your own burdens.)

Do you have fun together as a family? Board game night? Bicycle rides? Maybe set yourself a Conqueror challenge as a family and support each other? www.theconqueror.events/

How much time do your DC spend on line? The on-line world can be hugely undermining, especially for young girls, as they are basically comparing themselves to hundreds of You Tubers and Bloggers and Influencers and it's very unhealthy mentally.

Maybe your DD is an introvert who enjoys being at home? Is she creative?
Maybe this could be the perfect time to facilitate her painting, drawing, sewing, baking?

And do you have enough support and are you getting out enough op? Are you doing something you really love and enjoy that feeds your souls once a week? If not, please make it happen! You need the respite and you will be modelling good self care and happiness to your DC.

Could you go away for a long weekend to recharge and leave the DC in the care of someone else? Just to recharge?

Sorry for the random thoughts above! They may be totally off the mark but they are things that have helped me in the past when everything has got too much. Good luck

I feel you. My DS has a health condition that means he has a lot of appointments/reviews at school etc. When these appointments are coming up I get so stressed and sometimes don't even realise until it's over how wound up I was. He has one this morning and it's like a black cloud hanging over me. Coupled with the constant sickness you get this time of year (with added covid complications thrown in) and complaining about going to school and I find it all bringing me to the limit of what I can endure.

Yes sorry, I missed the bit about the potential serious medical issue. No wonder you are stressed. I hope everything goes as well as possible for your ds's appt next week op

First and foremost I sense a lot of guilt from you, you’ve done an incredible job as has your DP. It’s not your fault that the kids are suffering with self esteem issues, it doesn’t mean you’ve let them down or done a rubbish job.

Reality is that this is their age to find themselves and it’s a delicate period, I remember it very well myself. Secondary school was probably the hardest period of my life and now I’m in my 30s I actually look back and think what a twat I was to let people affect me so much, to have such little confidence, to let what others thought of me affect my day to day life.

Unfortunately they just have to ride the waves and they WILL come out the other side. Meanwhile, be there, listen, talk, support them.