Grandparents

[Fairylightsforever23]

I feel like our grandparents are constantly over stepping the boundaries and feel they can do whatever the want. It's starting to drive me nuts tbh and I'm at the point we are going to need to do something about it. Husbands all for moving away, but realistically I'd just like them to stick to our rules and be more considerate. Does anybody else have this and how have you enforced such boundaries?

We don't use grandparents for childcare at all, 1 set as they would rather not, they like their time so unless it's an emergency or their terms they dont. The other set took son once at 2yrs, went somewhere we asked them not to go to and he had an accident and nearly drowned. They then lied to us and told 2yr old to not tell. Obviously he did! So 4yrs down the line we still don't trust them and won't let them have him unsupervised. It was a complete accident, but I lost my rag as they tried to cover it up and get our son to lie. I just feel they think they are always right and will do whatever they want regardless. Even Christmas gifts they buy things far too large for our home without asking or buy what we were going to get as they wanted to get that.

I feel like they are just so demanding of our time and tbh they are driving me nuts. They only ever want the good times, never there if the kids are ill or we need anything. We have 3 sets of quite needy grandparents, full time jobs and several young kids, I'm done with juggling the stresses they create. How do you stay sane yet respectful?

"They only ever want the good times"

Good for them , they have done the hard bit raising you and your partner now it's your turn to raise your children and let the grandparents have the fun parts

If your moaning about them now could you imagine if they wanted to be there for more than just the 'fun things' then they really would get in your nervous

Be grateful for what you have, deep breaths and chocolate

Of course they only want the good times. Surely that’s the point of being grandparents.

I’m a bit confused though are you talking about your grandparents or parents?

Other than one set not wanting to provide childcare and another set doing the wrong thing during child and another set or maybe one of the previous mentioned buying too bigger toys what are the issues? I can’t see how moving away would help with any of that.

I know what you mean op, as in they won't help when you actually need it... But just when they want and it suits them

Weve definitely raised them all the last 6 years without even a 10 mins child care to grab a pint if milk. Not one night out or an afternoon coffee nothing, which is absolutely fine. If we want an afternoon coffee we will pay the nursery extra. But yes my grandparents did help out my parents and so did my partners. I remember staying over night, day trips, nana coming when we all had chickenpox etc our parents won't even put the kettle on whilst we are changing nappies...just announce they are ready for another drink. I'm now saying help yourself! But no they wait... these are not elderly grandparents in their 60s retired no health issues. Is it much to ask that nana calls and says when she lives 20mins away, do you need anything I know the children are poorly? I thought families pulled together? I can't work all week, hold down several young kids and play to grandparents entitled wims when they can't even muck in and put the kettle on.

Fair weather dgps I call them. Want the visits and the glory but not the snots and shit.
Back away.. They will need you first...no law says you need to help them. And I wouldn't..

This is tiring. Dgp wanted lots of visits with grandchildren but didn’t want the responsibility of having the children while we went to do something else. So it was difficult to factor in time for grandparents visits at weekends as they needed to be whole family visits.

I get it. My parents were the same. Didn't lift a finger to help, I didn't ask for a thing but the amount of time they spent parked on my sofa , holding babies and taking photos of themselves , keeping babies awake when I desperately wanted them to sleep.

I saw my friends mums offer to help, take the baby for a walk in the park, let my friend snooze. I'll do that for my daughter,

I guess I'm just really tired. I work full time fitted in 4 days a week, have 3 little ones 5 and under. Grandparents will only come if they've nothing else exciting in their diary. Then demand it must be that day as they've not seen them, but don't want to help with the bath times, feed the ducks or do eldest homework whilst I make dinner. Everything must be a trip out somewhere wonderful...feeding the ducks according to nana is meh
But honestly I don't have the energy to go on an adventure, make the picnic for everyone and drive hrs on end with a potty training toddler, baby and 5yr old. When they come they bring crazy big gifts I can't fit in the house which is so stressful. My mums just arrived with a huge dolls house!! She knows that is what I was buying them for Christmas. But she's at the front door showing the kids! It's just not on. I spoke to her about it and she said SHE really wanted to buy the dolls house and now we don't have to spend the money, but you know I'd picked out and was so excited to get it fir them. Honestly I look at my friends and can't believe we've not at least got one grandparent who doesn't just always think of their needs. They don't even think of the kids...rock pooling is never going to happen with 3 under 6s. Why can't they go to the farm and feed the flaming ducks?

Set clear boundaries.

I'm very lucky. My DF will have my kids at the drop of a hat, emergency, if I just want to pop out anything. He'll do school runs everything.he's retired and very local.

ILS. Like to take them out for fun they try weekly with dcs 1 at a time on a rota so to speak. Normally like a park, macdonalds and back to theirs. Or farm, etc. Will also have if we have an appointment or something.

My DM has rarely had them and that's fine too.

However each GP knows our rules and boundaries. They would never cross them except small things like. Not too much cake etc haha. If they every crossed a boundary and got my children to lie then that would be it for me.

Youngforever yes this too! Nana I found out has been taking my Facebook photos and saving them to her phone and sharing them with her friends pretending she sees us! I've stopped posting and she's gone nuts. Now wants to visit more but won't join in normal routines so I've said she'll have to wait till we are free for a day out. 🤷‍♀️

I sympathise, OP. None of the grandparents live near us and while DM and MIL both helped sometimes when the kids were little, COVID has put a stop to it and neither of them are keen to restart. Like you, I often look round at the help my friends get from their parents and feel a bit sad about it. I had severe PND with DS1 which wasn’t spotted for ages because I was so isolated and exhausted. I often think if I’d had more support it might have been spotted sooner.

Sorry OP, I posted too soon! I meant to say, be upfront with your GPs. Tell them that you’re too tired to do big adventures with the kids so they will have to fit in with your plans, and tell them firmly that you have no room for any more big presents and will not allow any more in your house.

You do you! Sorry but if they want to visit as guests then they do whatever you are doing. If you’re going to feed ducks and they don’t want to because it’s not insta worthy then not your problem. Seriously, occasionally not an issue, but on an ongoing basis not a chance. As It would be easier if they stayed home. My response was ‘it’s just not possible’ .

The doll's house thing would really annoy me - does she often play 'one upmanship' games? Is she competing with you in some way> As that's a bit fo a red flag for other dysfunctional behaviour. Plus sounds like she is trying to buy their love.

You need to clearly explain your house your rules and stick to it. Like you have about saying it can wait until you have a free day. Be calm. kind and reasonable and don't go overboard - don't sweat the small stuff. Write them letters/emails and explain what you both expect (get husband on board - this is about both of you).

State consequences if they ignore you e.g. huge inappropriate gifts will be re-gifted to the charity or women's refuge. Turn up announced and if it's inconvenient we will not change our plans and you will have to go home. Don't come right between 5-7pm unless you are prepared to help with bath/homework. Trips out have to be arranged in advance for a day that suits the family and destinations agreed with you and Dh (no rock pools).

Don't make empty threats, everything you say you will do follow through. It will cause arguments but nip it in the bud now or it will escalate ad you'll be here in years to come moaning about even worse things!

Keep a few bin bags at the door... Shove any gifts in and tell her you will have a look through later but your dc aren't being bought any more...