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Original poster

Would you have a child with this man?

47 replies

BasinHaircut · 26/09/2021 16:54

He is your long term partner- husband even.

Says he will have a child ‘for you’ because you want one but doesn’t actually want children at all?

OP posts:

FireworkParrot · 26/09/2021 17:32

@hulahoopqueen

Not unless you're prepared to either function as a single parent, or for him to bail out and for you to actually BE a single parent.

This is spot on. My good friend is in exactly this situation, she wanted a child and he didn't but went along with it. She does everything to do with childcare. Every early wake up, all the ferrying them around, every illness. She says herself she's essentially a single parent just in a relationship but it's poisoned her marriage and they're heading for divorce. I see her point that her DH is lazy and uninvolved with his DD but at the same time he was clear that he didn't want DC in the first place.

PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2021 17:32

Haven’t they ever had this conversation before? Did he lead her on that he might want kids?

Noshowwithoutpunch · 26/09/2021 17:34

No.
Even if she does all if the child stuff it will still change his life and the dynamics of his relationship massively.
Imo the relationship wouldn't last and he'd be off while she grew to hate him.
If she's prepared to be a single parent and her dh to walk away completely then that's up to her.
It would be sad for the child to grow up with a father who obviously isn't interested in them though or who felt obligated to see them. They would know.

Mariell · 26/09/2021 17:34

No. I wouldn’t want to inflict that kind of man on a child as being one of their parents.

Kuachui · 26/09/2021 18:06

He will use it against her for life. That he ruined his life and had a child FOR HER.

It's all BS

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 26/09/2021 18:10

Only if I was looking for a sperm donor and not anything else.

Simonjt · 26/09/2021 18:11

No, personally I wouldn’t have married them unless they were 100% sure they wanted children.

2bazookas · 26/09/2021 18:20

No. Your child deserves a father, and he doesn't want to be one.

pompomsgalore · 26/09/2021 18:33

How old is she?

ArtfulScreamer · 26/09/2021 18:37

I think it's easy to say no you wouldn't have a child with this man when you're not the person in question. In an ideal world we'd all be in loving committed financially stable marriages with the want for a child equal on both parts. However we don't live in an ideal world and I can see how a women of a certain age who has invested a certain amount of time in a relationship and has a certain lifestyle associated with that relationship would settle for a child in these circumstances. I can also see why a man who has similarly invested an amount of time and has a certain lifestyle alongside his relationship would also compromise his desire to remain childless.

Rosesareyellow · 26/09/2021 18:42

Absolutely not. You will be the one doing all the parenting, and if you complain he will argue that he didn’t want to be a parent. This cannot end happily.

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 26/09/2021 18:51

If I was 30, no. If I was 40, yes, but I'd expect to be a single parent.

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2021 10:49

She needs to leave him and find someone who wants kids.

WormYourHonour · 27/09/2021 10:51

Nope.

And if I was with him based on the fact he'd said he would like children in the past, if feel very deceived and lied too and I'd leave at my earliest convenience.

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 10:51

Of course not. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents. It's not the potential child's fault that her mother and her DH/partner didn't communicate better about this sooner.

InnPain · 27/09/2021 11:56

Agree with @lunar1

Eastie77Returns · 27/09/2021 12:13

She may be hoping he changes his mind after the fact as apparently everyone falls in love with their baby the moment it arrives, regardless of how they felt before

My friend married and had children with a man who was ambivalent at best about kids. As PP's have mentioned, she has ended up effectively raising them alone with minimal input from him. She seems happy enough although I feel for the children who are old enough to realise their dad isn't really interested. He does spend time with them on occasion but he's really not engaged - he couldn't tell you the name of the school they attend. When my friend travels for work or goes anywhere overnight they stay with her mum as he has never looked after them on his own for longer than a few hours. They are 7 & 9.

Auroreforet · 27/09/2021 12:22

I'm constantly surprised at how many women have dc knowing their dh is not on board with it. I assume it's the strong maternal urge.
My dh wanted to have dc and has been as hands on as his work allowed. He worked away a lot.

If your partner is not a willing participant in parenthood then why not find a man who is.
For the dc sake at least.

Mumoftwo1990 · 27/09/2021 12:47

@BasinHaircut

He is your long term partner- husband even.

Says he will have a child ‘for you’ because you want one but doesn’t actually want children at all?

Coming from a position of it being the roles reversed, I had been with my DP 7 years when we were at a cross roads. I've never wanted children which he knew, whereas he did but seemed okay with it being just us. It ended up where I accidentally got pregnant, not being a safe as I should have been but we decided to proceed with the pregnancy. It's been very hard to be honest, I love my children (had twins) and I love my DP but I would be lying if I didn't say that I've had moments where I've thought what if I just left. Ultimately I won't and I am happy now but I do wonder sometimes if I'd be happier on my own child free etc.

My situation has more of less worked out but I think it's a rarity so I'd recommend splitting or settling for no children.

Imatwinmum · 27/09/2021 12:49

@Insertdeadcatsnamehere

If I was 30, no. If I was 40, yes, but I'd expect to be a single parent.

This!

I wouldn’t give up dreams of having a child but would obviously avoid this situation if I could.

Mseddy · 27/09/2021 12:55

100% no. Currently got a 3 week old very much wanted by myself and DH
ivf baby. And god its hard!!! We are bath struggling and we both desperately wanted her. Pretty sure if one of us had just agreed to her, we would have argued about that alot by now!!

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 27/09/2021 12:56

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