Feel disgusting - self esteem in the bin!

[Redrobin5]

I’m 25F and recently gone through a break (together 5 years).

I suffered with acne badly since I was about 13 and went on roaccutane about 8 years ago. I have quite bad scarring as a result. I believe this scarring and acne has really impacted my confidence until this point.

When I was at uni I had confidence issues in presentations but I got through it. I believe I still had issues with my looks but it was masked by the fact I met my boyfriend who reassured me, and getting dressed up most nights to go out helped.

After uni I planned to go travelling for a year so did not apply for grad schemes, but then covid happened. I got a few grad scheme interviews but didn’t apply for that many, and some I went to the interviews and failed, and some I didn’t go at all due to my confidence issues and not believing in myself.

I ended up getting a job for a good company but not completely what I want to do. The office is an hour commute away but I mostly work from home.

I am deeply concerned about my well-being since my break up. I am hating my job and wishing I just got a graduate scheme in London which I could have definitely done after uni but didn’t. I am living at home with my parents and can’t see a way out. I feel disgusted at my acne scars and am getting acne again at age 25. I also am hating my body and clothes.

What I am trying to say is that I feel like my self esteem issues from my acne have been the root cause of most of my confidence issues. They were never fully gone but this break up has flawed me. I am seeing every fault in myself and believing there is something wrong with me if he did not want to be with me.

More of a rant but any advice welcome, thanks as always MN ❤️

I felt similar and had similar circumstances at your age. I was back, living with parents, heartbroken and had really low self esteem about how I looked, except
I went on roaccutane at 24. Slowly, bit by bit I got things together. I was in good shape but made an effort to get more fit by running, I got my hair professionally styled and coloured.
Just wee things to help me feel better about how I looked. I guarantee you will not be as bad looking as you think. I remember hating certain photos but to see them now I realised I looked really well. I started working in a job I liked -Just relief and part time hours but I worked my way up slowly to senior level. I cut all contact with my ex and started online dating (match.com, not plenty of fish or hookup sites). Went one date - wasn’t attracted to the man and he ghosted me after 1 date, but went out with my now DH a week later and that was it.

It’s easy to feel so overwhelmed and like nothing will help. But all I can suggest is to focus to small steps towards the life you would like. Could you look to change jobs? Get a house share in London? Work part time while re-training?

I had trained in a medical field at masters level (overseas at the time), graduated, but failed the boards. Moved back home and honestly felt my life was over. I couldn’t face trying to get back into the field is trained for. I started working in a job that wasn’t a career at first but fun (library) but it lead to senior posts later on. Then once I met DH I moved and now work in a completely different field but within the NHS and so feel training isn’t completely wasted.
Even if you aren’t doing exactly what you want to do now work wise, it may be of use in future and could lead to alternate ways in.

I felt the same about my ex but got over it by going no contact -Still friends on fb but stopped checking his page, initiating contact and it’s cliched to say, but my meeting someone else. But the first step is by far the hardest.

@TheNinny it helps thinking that I haven’t been the only one in this position. I think I may have something called body dysmorphia which makes me feel I look completely worse than I actually do. I guess I may need therapy for it.

I wish I didn’t think of my ex - I am no contact though.

Anyone else please help?

Break ups are hard, covid has been hard, and having low self esteem in regards to your appearance is hard, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel how you feel.

I find making lists help. A few years back I felt myself spiralling. All of my friends had great jobs, partners, a lot had their own homes, and seemed content and happy; I was lonely, in a crap job I hated and had no confidence. It wasn't easy, and it didn't happen overnight, but I found a good starting point was making a list of what I was struggling with. Then a plan. I hated my job but wasn't applying for others, nothing was magically going to change, so I'd set aside time once a week to apply for jobs (so it didn't become overwhelming). I also started exercising and meal planning as it made me feel so much better and the organisation and ease was really beneficial. I found a hobby I'd always wanted to do but never bothered to, and probably most important I sought help from the GP for my mental health which has never been great.

Now life couldn't be more different. I have a job I love, a wonderful house and family, and although my self esteem still isn't great, I've learnt to cope with it better. The key for me in regard to that as well is not relying on others to make me feel good, but as cheesy as it sounds to look in the mirror every morning and say to myself I'm enough.

@Rhubarbsoup what help did you get from the gp? I have referred myself for therapy. I have been prescribed ADs but I’m scared to take them. But everyday I am spiralling out of control.

I hope to be like you one day!

I had a course of talking therapy and tablets, I was also apprehensive about starting them, but they gave me some much needed clarity and a break from the world being overwhelming to try and sort myself out. I came off them around a year later, and would take them again happily if I reached that point again as for me they worked wonders (everyone is different though). I remember being worried about starting them, I just one day thought right here we go and went for it, and it wasn't so bad after the first week or so.

Which ones did you take? I’m worried about the side effects.

I never thought I’d get here :(

I didn't either, but I opened up to friends and actually I was surprised at how many were on similar. Remember, this doesn't define you, its not any sort of failure, but it might give you the headspace to feel better and to move forward. Physical health is still taken more seriously, i was the same, something physical I'd take tablets to help manage pain etc- but I felt weird about taking them for my mental health, so absolutely empathise.

Side effects were more weird than anything else, as in the first few days I felt a bit spaced out and sort of drunk, a little bit nauseous but my anxiety made me feel like that most of the time anyway, hah. Early nights and taking it easy helped.

op you have options,

Change your perspective on how your looks affect your abilities, ie not only great beauties have jobs/interviews/relationships or great sex!
most of us have ugly bits, big nose/cellulite/etc...one of my happiest and most sucessful friends is by her own admission fairly unattractive overwqeight, very short legs, lopsided chin yet she is a CEO and has a loving marriage...

Find a way to stop focussing on yourself and out into the life you want.This does not stop you earning some money that will allow you to go to a great dermatologist to tackle your scarring.

@Rhubarbsoup thanks rhubarb. I’m going to have to take them if this gets any worse. I’m struggling to get through the days. Did the side effects get less the longer you took them? I think the horror stories keep worrying me. And was it the break up that caused you to be on them?

@Dragongirl10 that’s true dragon girl. I just need the confidence they do somehow!

After about a week I didn't have any notable side effects, the only way I knew I was on them was as I felt fantastic! I only came off them as I tapered down to a lower dose and then actually felt fine on that and so stopped completely under the doctors guidance, it wasn't because I found them bad if that makes sense. It was a lot of things tbh, but the break up really brought a lot of them to the fore.

The thing is very few people have that confidence they just fake it until they learn to not let it bother them, you could be a supermodel and someone criticise your looks!
The only answer is to stop looking at yourself so much and try hard to focus on your life and goals...

@Rhubarbsoup I feel like that’s similar with me. Which ones were you on? I’m worried about weight gain.

@Dragongirl10 true. I think I have a thing in my head that tells me everything that’s gone wrong in my life is because of my looks.

Hi there I had body dysmorphia where I was disgusted looking in the mirror and bad OCD with intrusive thoughts , it’s always been there since my teens and I’m 40 now . I started sertraline and it’s pretty much gone now .

@ichifanny when did you start that? I have read up on it recently after thinking I had it and did read ADs help. I have been prescribed Prozac? Do you think that would have the same impact? And please can you expand more on how it’s helped. I am suffering terribly with comparisons.

op you really have to kick out that voice every time you hear it, challenge that thought....look around you.... there are few who are beautiful but many who have happy fulfilling lives.

Thank you dragon girl. I am really contemplating taking the ADs to make me feel better just for now. But I am somewhat scared.

what do you have to lose? You are feeling rubbish right now so try the ADs, give it a month, then if you feel no better go back to the GP and ask for the Prozac...keep try in every which way to feel better, also a good yoga class is great for stopping the unwanted thoughts!
Dont give up, you can improve this..

@Dragongirl10 they have already prescribed me Prozac. I still haven’t taken it but I’m going to have to. I can’t see another way out but scaring myself with the side effects.

I really really want to apply to jobs but my depression is really stopping me mentally.

Take the Prozac!

Apologies for late reply I started it in February this year it helped so much .

It’s helped in the way I don’t give a shit about how I look now , I still take pride in my appearance I just don’t feel horrific when I look on the mirror and don’t compare my self as much anymore .

I started the Prozac but I feel awful about my appearance still. Even worse if anything.