Ghosting - really worse than being told up front?

[Ghosterbusters]

Hi,

So I was just wondering this really. Personally, I have been once, but not with a close friend. Kind of early stage mum friend iyswim. Anyway, yes it did hurt a bit and inevitably made me think 'what's wrong with me?' etc, but I've read so many things, on here mostly, about ghosting and how cruel it is and the ghoster should just be upfront, but wouldn't that hurt more? Someone actually saying, 'sorry, but I'm not feeling this friendship anymore, so let's call it a day' would surely make you feel 10 times worse!....

Or is that just me?

I agree with you OP

I think being told why would make it easier to move on? I was ghosted about 15 years ago and I still wonder why every so often tbh.

I agree with the OP too. If you’re ghosted, you don’t immediately realise and by the time you wonder why the person hasn’t been in touch, you understand that you’ve been ghosted. Not as harsh as someone saying it to your face though.

Ghosting is cruel because the continuing general expectation of being in a friendship is that you and the other person will communicate from time to time, at the very least. If you've decided not to do this any more then it's down to you to tell them. Make up some excuse if you like, but just disappearing can cause worry (e.g. are they in some MH crisis? has their weird partner done something to their phone?)

Believe me I've seen plenty of people upset wondering why their friend hasn't replied to their messages.

Surely it's not hard just to phase out?

Also when you make new mum friends, I found that many of them got really flaky with replying to things or weren't very 'phone' people eg they would often turn off notifications so as not to be disturbed then not really remember to turn on again. They definitely are still friends now! but you do wonder how much to keep sending messages if they're being unanswered, I think it's an unfair mental burden on the other person if you're deliberately just leaving them unanswered.

Bring ghosted is easier as you can cling onto the idea that's it's them, not you.

Ghosted by a friend 2 years ago, unfortunately she lives next door and every time I pass her house I am wondering “Why?”
I would find closure if I knew.

I was ghosted by a long term close friend. She posted her reason on social media so I did know and it was better to be annoyed by her ridiculous attitude than just wonder.

@WithMyEncyclopedia, I understand what you're saying, but these days with SM you can usually see if someone is still around.

I was just thinking about being ghosted the other day and how unfair and actually confusing it was, but then thought how on earth would I have felt if she just said I just don't want you in my life anymore That would be brutal..

Is there a difference between fizzled out and ghosted? I do have friendships which I would say have mutually fizzled out, but then who knows, maybe they think they were ghosted 🤔

I just can't imagine saying to someone that I didn't want to be friends with them anymore, unless something significant had happened.

.....so isn't ghosting the new fizzled out, which was always just accepted.

You make a really interesting point.

Years ago there was a series in the Guardian all about friendship (I've not been able to find it since) and it made the point that you don't "break up" with friends in the same way as you would a relationship. (Or at least, how a relationship should be ended.)

I think with "ghosting", it depends on the duration and level of friendship. If it was a new mum friend, then I think "ghosting" or "fizzling" out is fine.

If it was a much closer friendship (regardless of how much you see each other/are in touch; we're all familiar with the friendships where you can go months, even years, without being in contact, then pick up where you left off) then I think it's a different matter. I'd be very upset if someone I regard as a close friend suddenly wanted nothing to do with me, and I think I'd want to know why.

Fizzled out, to me, is when you "can't make" any dates to see each other or keep putting it off, (or mutually just stop asking).

Ghosting is not replying to any messages etc so you've effectively removed yourself from their life/ social media etc.

Personally I find it really disrespectful to do this, like you're not even worth responding to. But I guess it does depend on the level of friendship a bit - more acceptable with casual acquaintances, but not old friends.

Would much prefer ghosted. Really after a while, it is as obvious youve been ditched as it would be if they told you. At least with ghosting there are no hurtful comments or accusations or discussions of your supposed shortcomings that stay with you forever.

Have to qualify that--- ghosted by more casual friends, and casual lovers is much better.

By a proper partner or best friend of years--- then ghosting is not better.

I have quite recent experience of being ghosted. I've thought about it a lot since it happened, nearly 5 months ago,and tbh,I think it has been less painful than them actually saying to me 'Sorry,but this just isn't working for me any more'. I've read a few online articles about being the victim of being ghosted,and it always says that the problem lies with them,not you. They are being cowardly. I just console myself with that thought.

Yes if it's someone you've been close to, it's better to know why. I think it's cowardly to just slope off leaving someone wondering. There's a cruelty about it.

I ghosted a friend but would have been very hurtful to both sides to explain why.

I had held the hurt for a number of years prior to that unable to being it up and when another event occured I ended by ghosting.

Couldn't have faced any apologies or opportunity to go back where we once were.

I look at it as some friendships come to a natural end sometimes.

@MegaClutterSlut

I think being told why would make it easier to move on? I was ghosted about 15 years ago and I still wonder why every so often tbh.

Surely that depends on the reason.

If you're told it's because the other person is busy, or something about you was triggering them, then yes.
But if they picked on parts of your character that they found annoying then I suspect you be thinking about those 15 years later too.

I think ghosting is terrible. Its definitely easier for the ghoster. Personally I would rather a txt at least it would show some type of decency.

Ghosting is shitty.

But if they picked on parts of your character that they found annoying then I suspect you be thinking about those 15 years later too.

Personally I'd rather know.
If it's a mismatch of personalities that's not really anyone's fault.
It's better than wondering if you've actually done something wrong or they thought you had due to some misunderstanding.

I was ghosted by a woman who’d been my best friend at school, we’d been utterly inseparable for years. There was a mess over boys at 18 but by 20 or so I thought that was over. We met up lots and all seemed a ever. We drifted a bit after she moved abroad but still picked up where we left off and kept in touch whenever she was home. She was my bridesmaid. Last communication was me telling her I was pregnant and the reaction was delight and lots of love. And since then utter and complete silence. Mutual friends have asked her why and simply got no answer. I’m still deeply affected by it a decade later. But have moved from. Self criticism to anger to deep sadness. Mutual friends tell me she’s simply too selfish to care about my reaction because her feelings are all that ever mattered. Who knows but if you can avoid ghosting someone, please do.

I was ghosted earlier in the year by a friend (16yrs of very close friendship).

I have gone through: crying, angry, wanting to know why, to thinking actually it's their issue and I'm not the 1st they've done it to, it's how they deal with people.

I'm lucky. I have longstanding friends who have helped me stop dwelling on it and helped me remember I'm a decent person to be mates with as I was thinking I must be horrendous

I miss my friend. But I obviously saw the friendship totally differently and not noticed the dynamic had changed in the last few years. I can now see I was used for other aspects beneficial to them.

It hurts but it's made me realise I am lucky to have other friends and I am seeing them.in a different more appreciative light.

Fizzling out a newish potential friendship is blurgh, but ghosting on longstanding fridndships is cowardly.

I think it would be easier to know. I've fallen out with people over my lifetime and I've been ghosted by one friend. It's that ghosting that I still worry about now, years later. I'd like the closure of knowing what happened. Was it something I did and didn't realise? Did she just turn out to be a dick? Or was it some circumstance that was neither of our faults?? I have literally no clue about why she suddenly stopped being my friend.