Is this sadness normal?

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I don't know if you would call it depression although I suspect there's an element of that as I have bad days where I just don't want to do anything, but I wanted to ask if this is just a normal part of being an adult or if there are some techniques I can use that might be helpful.

It's this feeling of sadness I have such a lot, especially around happy memories like for instance thinking of my son being so excited about going to school in reception he would run all the way to school. He's nine now and still pretty happy, likes school, but I just feel this pain when I think about how completely innocent and full of enthusiasm he was at that age - I guess because things get more complicated as he gets older and he has some difficulties due to being autistic. It's wanting to recapture that time where I felt I could keep him completely safe.

Other things I feel often feel sad about are my parents, who are both in good health, but just knowing they won't always be around and thinking about them struggling more as they get older. Looking back at times in my life when people were around who aren't anymore, and thinking I'll never stop missing them. Mainly happy memories really but always with this sadness. I think I'm a bit obsessed with the passage of time and wanting to keep everyone I love safe and just hold on to those simple happy times. I get sad when I think about my son being an old man one day and I won't be there anymore, I get sad when I think about friends I've lost touch with over the years (just through normal life changes or growing apart). I'm sad about the pain in the world and I think I'm constantly in this state of mild grief really. Even when I'm thinking about how much I love and appreciate all the good things and people in my life, it's a painful feeling if that makes sense. Because I know nothing lasts forever I suppose.

I just wonder if this is an inevitable part of being an adult and going through different stages of life which inevitably bring changes and losses. Is there a way I can somehow reframe my thoughts and feelings so I can actually be happy and in the moment, or look back at happy times, without this constant feeling of loss and grief? Or is it just a part of my emotional makeup?

I think it's inevitable to a degree but its very important not to wallow.

I find that if I go to that place...longing for past times etc and worrying about the future, that it's very important to snap out of it. YOu can lose a lifetime like this OP.

If you go there, get up and do something. Crafts are good. Or do something with your DS.x

I read your post,and I immediately thought: you should read Proust, "In Search of Lost Time". Right up your street. One reviewer says: "In Search of Lost Time never goes out of print. People still read Proust. But why? Maybe because in reading the book, between bouts of boredom, people recognize and gain a better understanding of themselves. Proust’s genius lie in catching and describing fleeting thoughts or emotions that people deem unimportant or difficult to articulate. In many instances it felt like he reached out to me from a hundred years ago, gave me a hug and said, “Yes, that’s how I felt, too.” "

Oh and also read Daniel Kahneman, "Thinking, fast and slow".

When you've read those - so in a year or so - you might not even need to ask the question you asked in the OP.

Sounds a perfectly normal part of being a human being, being aware of loss and change, and being in touch with the sadness of it. But you can definitely learn to be more in the present moment, and come to terms with the way everything inevitably changes. Buddhist mindfulness practices and teachings are all about letting go and learning to be at ease with things/people /experiences changing and ending - people like Pema Chodron and Tara Brach are great to listen to or read.

I definitely know the feelings you describe. One thing that I've realised is that to see your child grow up is a privilege, not afforded to everyone. If that makes sense. But yes it's so hard being aware of the passage of time. I've actually just bought a book called 'your one wild and precious life' which I think addresses such feelings.

I think its normal to have feelings like that but more as passing thoughts. If they start making up most of your thoughts then that is likely to be depression and you will be spending so much time dwelling on the past / worrying about future that you can't enjoy present.

I have an autistic child who is 14 and sometimes I wish he was younger again so he wouldn't be dealing with gcses in lockdown. But then I realise I have to get on with dealing with the present and doing the best I can for him now. I also remember that I am looking at the past with rose tinted glasses and there were challenges before.

I spend most of my time planning the present and next year or so and can't say I dwell much on things you discuss, its a sign of depression to be looking back all the time. Sometimes thinking about the good things you have now can help.

I could have written your post OP

I could have also written your post op.

It was only yesterday I was looking at photos on my phone and came across some from exactly this time last year. My dc have all changed just in that short time. They have experienced new things (good and bad) and looking at their innocent faces before it happened really gets to me.

I often think of happier times, and feel sad that for most of them, they could never possibly happen again.

Don't know if it's normal or not, but your not alone.

Placemarking for the book recommendations above, sorry.
I feel the same, OP, can relate to a lot of what you say. I guess a lot of it boils down to 'living in the moment' but easier said than done.

Not sure if it’s normal but o feel the same, especially regarding my children growing up.

FortuneFave gives good advice. J completely empathise with what you are feeling. I'm the same. And some days it really gets a grip - I had a very difficult number of years when my DC were really small, my marriage was extremely abusive, it ended & it was really hard managing alone. At the time I got on with it, and we had plenty of happy times I I keep but now I look back & often feel sad that it was so complicated & difficult for my small DC & what they missed out on. They look so little & vulnerable in the photos from the time.

But I think those thoughts can get a grip on you and make daily functioning hard.

I think you might benefit from a mild anti-depressant, or at least a chat with your GP?

Thank you for the advice - and book recommendations. It's good to know I'm not alone. I don't know why it's such a preoccupation for me except that I suppose it's such a fundamental truth isn't it - loss, mortality. And it's one I really struggle to come to terms with.

I think you need to work hard at not allowing these emotions to dominate .Reflecting and being melancholic can become an ingrained habit .
You need to replace that feeling with something else - getting outside ,gardening . Cliches I know ,but there's a reason why cliches are cliches .

I tend to be sad ,looking for worries etc and it's hard I know .

I feel the same, OP. I think having a child with SEN makes it worse because as they get older life becomes even more complicated than it would do for a neurotypical child and so we become even more nostalgic for the earlier, simpler times. I can hardly bear to watch old videos of my children, it just makes me feel so sad because those little children are gone now.

OldWivesTale I think that's part of it. I think of that huge joy and enthusiasm and it breaks my heart to think of it gradually being knocked out of him. 😥

Placemarking for books but I am the same, can't help projecting into gloomy looking future (SN DC)

What I find helps is keeping busy when not happy, it takes your mind of the future and brings it into the task so crafts and gardening would work but for me even simple repairs, sewing as I wouldn't have time for any meaningful crafts

Also sometimes a "stop thinking" mantra over and over.

Oh Yoga, it's hard isn't it. I feel really isolated with it too as I don't really have many 'mum friends', let alone any with children who have SEN. Maybe that's why I get a bit caught up in the sadness.