How can I support my Mum going through chemo?

[JimmyLennon]

My Mum has breast cancer, 2 ops to remove it because it was bigger then they thought and although they originally thought she would just be having radiotherapy, further tests show she needs 5 months of chemo.

I'm in bits, but not in front of her. She doesn't want me to cry as she will cry too and at the moment she is ok about it all. She is my best friend, the person who has my back no matter what. The person who loves me the most. I'm terrified of losing her. I have young children who adore her and now I have to prepare them too incase she loses her hair because we don't want them to be scared. If anyone has any advice for this, that would be helpful too please.

I want to make this as easy as possible for her. She is in her 50's, has custody of some young relatives with extra needs. She doesn't have any hobbies really, but she likes to read. Is there anything I can do or buy to help her from anyone who has been through this before?

Sorry if I don't reply very quickly, I'm still getting my head around it. Thank you

Ask her what you can do to help her

She'll say nothing. She's like that.

I bought my Dad lots of little bits to make things easier/comfier.
Neck pillow
Blanket
Word puzzles
Water bottle
Slippers
Wheat pack
Assortment of herbal teas.

Practical wise, clean the house, washing ironing etc?

Aww bless you. I had chemo and it’s vile. People bought me things to keep my mind occupied, a nice blanket and pillow. A dressing gown and warm socks or slippers. Maybe batch cook some light meals for her . Some little snacks if she feels hungry. I lost half my hair and was devastated and my mum bless her helped wash my hair and then combed it as I couldn’t bare to see it fall out. Could that be something you would do.

Does she like reading? An Audible subscription might be appreciated. I gifted one to a family member with Covid who was isolating and they really appreciated it. Easier than actually reading. You can lie down in the dark and still read a book.

So so sorry.
Sit with her and listen. Listen to her concerns, acknowledge that cancer sucks and offer a shoulder to cry on. And if the she doesn’t feel like talking, sit there with them quietly. There is a lot of power in simply being present.
Look to her for cues on what to discuss. Sometimes talking about anything other than cancer and treatment is very much appreciated.
If you’re not sure, say something like, “Do you want to talk about it? If so, I’m here. If you don’t, let’s talk about Strictly Come Dancing, GBBO etc….”
Make a playlist of upbeat and/or calming music for her.
Take notes during appointments or when the doctor or nurse stops by in the hospital. Patients’ memories can be foggy during and after treatment, and the amount of information they receive can be overwhelming. Taking notes can ensure they have the information they need later.
Organise a phone chain or mealdrop off schedule so others can help in a meaningful way and take the load off you.
Say if you feel awkward – it acknowledges the situation rather than pretending it’s not happening.
Make some meals that she can put in the freezer, offer to do some gardening, shopping, cleaning or laundry. Return or pick up library books
Ask before you visit, in case she is feeling too unwell. Make short, regular visits rather than long, infrequent ones.
Ginger chews are supposed to help nausea during chemotherapy
She’d probably need some natural body wash and bath products for sensitive skin after radiotherapy.
A cotton exercise headband is useful to put under her cold cap and wear when her hair starts to thin. Also, a cooling pillow and a mini fan to help with hot flushes.
All the best x

@JimmyLennon

She'll say nothing. She's like that.

Don't underestimate the importance of her feeling she has control. Respecting and supporting that sense of control can be the most powerful thing you can do for someone facing the uncertainty and loss of control that a life-threatening diagnosis brings.

There is a lot of power in simply being present.

I agree with this. After the importance of feeling a sense of control this has been the next biggest lesson to me.

She doesn't want either of you to cry now and that's fine, but in a few months once the initial shock has subsided and the reality of chemo has set in she may feel differently.

Simply crying together can be soothing and connecting. If that happens in future don't feel bad about it. It has value.

I bought DH noise cancelling headphones so he can listen to what he wants to listen to while the chemo is going through.

Good socks and gloves as neuropathy means cold hands and feet.

Some excellent advice .

I would add tell your children that their nana is ill because some of the cells in her body are not working properly .To help her to feel well again she is having special , very strong medicine to get her get better by killing the bad cells that are making her feel ill. It is so strong though that sometimes it hurts the good cells in her body making her feel very sick and tired. Some of the good cells it hurts are the ones that make hair grow so nanna might lose her hair for a bit , but it will start to grow back when she stops taking the medicine.

Be matter of fact with them, they will only get frightened if you make them feel frightened.

I've just been through this with my mum, similar age too.

We got her a kindle so she had something to pass the time in hospital. But I think she would say her favourite/most well used item was a massive oversized wearable snuggle blanket off amazon...she found she was absolutely freezing a lot of the time so got a lot of use from it!

Mum hated feeling helpless so we didn't make a massive fuss as she didn't want that. Dad was able to cook and my siblings and I just made sure to visit her often and bring her whatever little bits of shopping or food she didn't fancy asking dad for.

I found my book-loving Mum couldn't focus on a book during chemo, magazines were easier as the articles were shorter. I think her brain felt quite foggy and she was certainly very tired. She found her altered taste very hard as everything tasted foul. You can get some special sweet things and spray, from the pharmacy, to help with a dry mouth.

As for her losing her hair, I took her out in advance and we bought two wigs. I casually mentioned it to my young children but they were so blasé about it, just took it as a normal part of life. I found it harder, and my Mum more so.

I went through chemo and think the Audible suggestion is a good one. As things got more under control I could read again but couldn’t have done that for the first couple of months. Also your taste buds change and some days you have a craving for just a certain thing so maybe a brief phone call every couple of days to say you are popping to the shops and does she want anything. If she thinks you are going anyway she might ask for something that she fancies eating that day. But sometimes it’s good to just be presented with a meal even if you can only eat a bit of it. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to make even simple decisions. It is hard but do-able and you do get into a bit of a routine, odd as it may sound. On my good weeks I really enjoyed going out for Sunday lunch and having a roast dinner.

A nice fluffy scarf can make having the chemo more comfy, and it makes good padding if she chooses the cold cap to save her hair. A pack of ginger biscuits might be welcome to help with nausea.
The breast care nurses might be able to provide a copy of a book called mummy's lump that explains cancer treatment in an age appropriate way for the younger relatives.
Audible is useful for when she doesn't feel up to reading.
Best wishes for a swift recovery.

Love the suggestions.
As PP said plus ointment for mouth ulcers on hand, ice lollies, treats and more treats (if she will take them!)
Something to brighten her day, occasional, flowers. Provide her with company and take her out for lunch, coffee, cake, whatever, if she is well enough.

I'm going through chemo at the moment and the thing I use the most my headphones. I listen to podcasts, watch my laptop, guided meditations are my favourite. I'm often awake in the night so they are handy then too.

I was given lots of aromatherapy oils which have been lovely to use on my hands and feet as chemo can destroy your skin and nails.

I second whoever said about helping to brush her hair.,mine was so matted when it was falling out it was a two person job.

I also feel the cold more so anything snug is welcomed, socks, hot water bottle, dressing gown, cosy pj's.

I got a Fitbit to monitor my steps. Staying active during chemo improves survival and helps lessen side effects. Books on diet and cancer have been life changing.

Sending healing vibes, it's such a difficult thing to go through

Thank you for all your replies. I will definitely let her take the lead with regards to talking/not talking etc.

Lots of things to consider here thank you & especially thanks to anyone who suggested ways to explain it to my DC. I hope anyone who is going through chemo themselves or has somebody they love who is, is ok