My son is self harming. How can I help

[Myson167]

Hi so yesterday I got a call from my sons school to say that he's been self harming. He has said he does not know why he does it but he says he's so angry all the time and does it because it stops him hurting other people. School were talking to him for a while and said he does not know why himself. So they are going to give him counselling in school. I'm waiting for a gp call back to ask for a camhs? Referral.

My son is not a talker. And does not really tell people things and forcing him to talk would probably push him away. My other older teen and young adult do talk to me about sensitive some pretty deep stuff. But my younger teen I guess is different and finds it difficult. He can also be quite nasty towards me. So pushing him to talk would not be helpful but I'm wondering what could I do to help him?

I'm wondering about activities to distract him maybe meet new people. He's recently joined cadets. But im wondering if there could be other stuff he could do? So looking for some suggestions he's 14. Thank you

How about swimming? It's both relaxing and calming whilst exercise at the same time.

Martial arts are good for developing self control and focus. Try to find one which emphasises and teaches the philosophy of martial arts rather than just banging through the grades and losing sight of the valuable life skills it imparts.

For the short term would he wear an elastic band on his wrist that he could snap when he wants to self harm? Or have access to an ice cube to hold in his hand instead. Good luck with it all. Very difficult

I'm my teens, I hated myself. I didn't like or respect myself at all. Art (paintings and drawings), craft and any form of creativity helped to give me happy feelings.

I don't know if it will help your child, but getting them a class is worth a try.

Or you can get them evaluated by psychiatrist to see if there is something that can be done. I can imagine how frightening this is for you. May you find the help he needs.🌻

@rocklamp

How about swimming? It's both relaxing and calming whilst exercise at the same time.

Martial arts are good for developing self control and focus. Try to find one which emphasises and teaches the philosophy of martial arts rather than just banging through the grades and losing sight of the valuable life skills it imparts.

I think he would love swimming. But its hard to find one that's not an actual swimming lessons for people that can't swim. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place

How exactly is he self-harming?
There is a massive spectrum from pinching your hands to tying ligatures around your neck and suspending yourself (very dangerous).

Your reaction is affected by the potential degree of harm he may cause himself.

It's good that you know about this.

If he had joined cadets that's brilliant. It's a wonderful organisation and my kids loved it. If he gives it his all he can learn some pretty amazing skills and have some wonderful experiences. My kids were in a military helicopter last week and gliding the week before. It's a very positive and healthy thing for him to engage in. Also, there will a Padre attached to his squadron who will be available if he wants to talk things over in the future.

You say he is angry. Often ( not always) anger is a biproduct of unmet expectation. Add in the teenage hormones etc and it's easy to see why teenagers feel so totally overwhelmed and lost. Do school have a counselling service? Or can you self refer to minds matter?

In your shoes I would make a point of checking his internet history to make sure he isn't accessing anything like porn, trans cult, anime/hentaii etc. It is incredibly damaging for young people. A god few years back my son spent 4 years suicide watch- while claiming to be trans as a teen and it took him getting arrested for illegal images for him to tell us he had a porn addiction after he has been groomed on the internet from age 13. So definitely rule that sort of thing out first.

In my area the local youth service can provide counselling too so that may be worth looking into. My teen found over the phone better than face to face , less embarrassing apparently and easier to talk.

Sorry to hear that OP
www.thesendcast.com/self-harm/
This might help you understand a bit more about what your son is feeling.
There is a book that can be helpful for school to use with your son ( you may have a long wait for camhs)
www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Preventing-Self-Harm-Schools-Identifying/dp/1906531293?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Lots of information on websites like young minds or Anna Freud

I think coping techniques are very personal and come down to the exact reason for self harming.

For me, I use a 'worry jar'. If I feel the compulsion, I write down what is driving that need, and I fold it up and put it in the jar. The rule is that once it is in the jar, then it's locked away. I also use texture alternatives - like rubbing a really soft ribbon along my arms.

But this will not work for everyone. Other solutions can be things like pressing an ice cube along the skin, or drawing on the skin, snapping a rubber band on the wrist. I personally don't like any solution that also involves pain because it feels like just switching the method, but it is maybe a stepping stone approach.

Ultimately, the root cause needs to be tackled. Even with mental health stigma reducing somewhat, self harm is still a hard one to broach. I didn't self harm until I was an adult, and I can't say I have the answers. The thing that ultimately helped me resist was the desire to let the skin heal so that I can tattoo over it. Whenever I feel the compulsion, I remind myself how long that damaged skin takes to heal and how much it risks the quality of any tattoo done over it. It may be an unorthodox approach to convincing yourself to stop, but as I said, it's personal to every individual.