Help! I need life hacks!

[InsolentAnnie]

Life has gone from one great big ball of nothingness to absolute craziness and I need help…! 7yo has a million after school activities, I have four jobs, and we have a baby too whose sole purpose in life seems to be to climb on / eat / throw the most dangerous-looking thing in the room. We are lucky to have family to help with childcare but as I work irregular hours (including some weekends) my brain is full of switching between jobs, making sure childcare is sorted for the baby, older child has all relevant kit / equipment for school and activities, everyone has clean clothes and we all eat relatively healthy at least most of the time (this includes making food on some days that we can all eat at different times - on one evening, for example, I eat at home, the baby eats at MIL’s, and older child and DH eat it from a Thermos en route between two of DC’s activities). This needs a lot of planning so that a) I don’t have to spend ages in the kitchen, and b) we don’t fall back on expensive ready meals (or pre-prepared sauces / veg etc).

I’m exhausted!! We’ve worked out we can just about afford a cleaner once a month, which will help a bit, but my mind is constantly buzzing with all the stuff and I can’t concentrate. DH does as much as he can but he also has a second job 1-2 evenings a week and is studying another qualification too. His commute is 1.5hrs as he cycles to save money so he’s often knackered as he’s up at 5. Trying to teach the older one to put their stuff away but they seem intent on leaving a trail of destruction behind them. They are also being assessed for ASC so this is not necessarily just them being lazy!

Any ideas to cut down on the mental load side of things in particular would be very helpful, because I feel like I’m clinging on with my fingertips!

Why has your 7 year old got so many activities? It's making your life harder and more than one or two is not necessary. Cut down on those for starters.

Does everyone in the house need as many jobs as they’ve got?

Are there any prospects to get a better paying main job for either of you, so you’re not needing to work at so many other places?

Stop cycling to work. Look at the jobs you have. Cut down on activities.

Stop the cycling - he needs to get home to help, and that is a few (glorious) hours a day on his own and staying fit. He also gets the hero medal 'cause he saves money. S.T.O.P. that!

Too many after school activities. It will wind your child up no end. They NEED time at home to decompress. Reduce their belongings by half - just shove half into a bin bag and hide it. Rotate it out on a bad/rainy/dull day.

Usual - meal plan etc.

A 7 year old should not have a million after school activities. It's too much, for them and for you. Your husband's commute is using up 3 hours of every working day. That is madness and is only making your life and his much more complicated and exhausting.

@Aquamarine1029

A 7 year old should not have a million after school activities. It's too much, for them and for you. Your husband's commute is using up 3 hours of every working day. That is madness and is only making your life and his much more complicated and exhausting.

Agree with all of this. They honestly don't need any after school activities, so scale back as many as you need to. You need to get your house under control before you worry about extras like this. You need to focus on reprioritizing and take care of your basic needs and I agree that will only happen if your husband does what he needs to do to shorten his commute so he can participate more.

You have 4 jobs? And your dh has 2?
Do you really need 6 jobs between you?
Plus what the others have said.

I agree with pp - your husband cycles to save money, but he gets 3 hours a DAY of free time , peace and some added fitness. You'd be better off if he drove to work and had those hours at home doing what needs to be done.

And all those millions of activities - your DS doesn't need them. I was amazed to read that he and DH eat their dinner out of a thermos flask as they go from one activity to the next ! Kids don't need to spend every minute at activities. About two per week would be the most I'd go for. Get DS to chose which two he really wants to do, and ditch the rest.

I have never known anyone to have that many jobs? How do you manage this with 2 children?

Cut down the extra curricular activities
(Can you use the savings towards a quicker commute for your DH?)
Eat proper meals, sit down and relax.

6 jobs/ 1.5 hours commute/ studying/million activities..STOP!!!
This way lies madness. No hacks will help. A complete over haul is needed. Presume 1.5 hours is both ways or otherwise its off the wall crazy. Keep activities to Saturday morning. Get one job thats full time for you and dh. No other jobs. Your dc are only young for now. Spend time with them. Chill out. Great to have good childcare but children need to be at home in the evenings relaxing after a busy day in school.
It is not possible to keep this up.

I agree with pp - your husband cycles to save money, but he gets 3 hours a DAY of free time , peace and some added fitness. You'd be better off if he drove to work and had those hours at home doing what needs to be done

It depends what the alternative is. I can cycle to work quicker than going on the bus, which costs about £5 a day (this is a reflection of the shitness of public transport in my city, not a stealth boast about my cycling abilities btw) so it's not necessarily the DH pissing off cycling to avoid his responsibilities at home, but I agree that the cost-benefit of this should be fully assessed. OP, you talk a lot about 'I' when things need to be done. How much of meal prep, tidying, cleaning, laundry and other household tasks does DH do? It shouldn't all be on you.

From the OP, it's not clear whether the 1.5 hour commute is his evening job or his main job, but it is a good question as to whether or not you need all these jobs or if any of them can be cut back so you have time available at home. Is DHs evening job well paid or is it more of a hobby job that he enjoys?

Maybe he ditches this for a couple of years and you also drop at least one of your jobs, looking at which pays the least, you like the least, or frees up the most/most convenient time chunks. Although having 4 jobs doesn't necessarily mean that you're working long hours, because they could all be a few hours a week here and there.

But I fully understand the stress of fitting everything in without forgetting something or making mistakes. It sounds like you'd benefit from the organised time technique.

There's a website, book and app, and if it works for you, it can be life changing. It fits you into 3 personality types and you're definitely the one who tries to do too much and then it all falls apart because there's simply not enough hours in the day for it all, so the solution really is to cut back on what you do unfortunately (agree that 7 YO doesn't need so many activities, perhaps ask them to pick 2 a week to do, if these cost money, that might also be another way to balance the budget and allow you to work less or buy in more help), plus also make sure everyone is pulling their weight and you're not giving up your time to DH, or any friends/family that you do things for.

www.theorganisedmum.blog/tott/

I agree with all the suggestions above, plus a "pre-prepared" sauce isn't going to kill you now and again.

I agree with using pre-prepared sauces. We buy the Loyd Grosman ones when they're on offer. They don't include anything you wouldn't put in at home and I doubt you could make the same for significantly less yourself.

What was the point in having children if life is so fraught with you both juggling your time spent at home and with the kids?

I got a headache just reading about your hectic lifestyle!

Is this all in order to provide luxuries or to keep a roof over your head?

If it’s the former then I would slow down and prioritise time spent with your family over luxuries.

The older child having all those after school activities must be exhausted.

Is it debt or low income that is go Irving both of you to live like this? Your life sounds awful so make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to and look at websites like
www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Unless your child is a prodigy or genius or olympic material, I would cut back on their activities. As a domino effect this would positively benefit other areas of your and your family life.

When life isn't adding up, start subtracting

Sounds a bit like us when we had 4 kids under 10 and worked around each other. It's unsustainable and no-one really wins. You need to cut down the working hours and the activities.

Thanks for your replies. To clarify: DH has a main job, which he loves but doesn’t pay well. He used to be in a job that paid twice as much but got made redundant and despite lots of applications hasn’t been able to get anything better. I have a main part time job, which is 2.5 days, and I work freelance too which is 1 evening on one thing, 1 after school on another, and an admin job which I do in the evenings and takes up probably 2 hrs a week - so I’m flitting between them all (which is fairly normal in my industry, but still a pain). DH’s and my main jobs pay the bills - mortgage (which is a lot bigger than we’d like but we can’t move because we have a lot of equipment for our jobs and downsizing would mean no space for it, plus houses round here are like gold dust and we don’t want to move as DC happy in school and GPs round the corner for childcare), utilities, other bills, food, petrol, clothes. The others pay for anything above the basic minimum: the occasional meal out, coffee and cake every so often, camping holiday (we can’t afford hotel or to go abroad), that sort of thing. We earn too much to qualify for any help but not enough to not have to keep a very close eye on things and shop frugally etc.

DC has activities on three days - it’s just two of them have two activities. The day where they eat between the activities, they’ll probably drop one at Christmas, and the other day with two is just up to half term. I promise I’m not a pushy parent who wants their child to be genius at everything! It’d be a lot easier if I didn’t work after school and evenings and occasional weekends but there we are…

DH and I split the cooking and household tasks, more or less, and he does pickups where he can, but he can’t help with mornings regardless of whether he cycles or drives. If he doesn’t cycle it’s about an extra £100pm for fuel. Some days he drives so he can do pickups, and some days he gets the train home so he’s earlier.

Oh and GPs fund 2 in 4 of the activities! The remaining 2 are quite cheap.

@InsolentAnnie

Oh and GPs fund 2 in 4 of the activities! The remaining 2 are quite cheap.

I don’t think your issue here is the cost of the activities, it’s the time commitment. Could the GP take the DC to the activities they fund?

What is it that you feel is slipping the most?

@BikeRunSki They do when it falls on a day they have them, but it’s still me who has to make sure DC has the kit and the kit is at school with them / at home / given to GPs, tell GPs the timings, work out when I can pick the baby up or if they’re dropping him off…. It’s the mental load!

@FindingMeno my sanity The house. It’s a tip. And we’re always late because we can’t find stuff because it’s a tip. And food goes out of date because I’m not there enough to sort it, and we can’t afford a cleaner as often as we need one, and because it’s a tip it affects how I think and feel (I’m autistic so executive functioning is bloody hard for me anyway - if I’m in a tidy environment I can think more clearly but at the moment I have permanent brain fog) so it just gets worse and worse! We either clear up when the kids are in bed, if we’re not working, which means we get no relaxation time, or we relax for a bit and then clear up which means we get to bed late and are knackered.

Can you find a couple of days annual leave to sit and do some cheat sheets?
Itemise what needs doing each day on lists so you don't have to carry it around in your mind all day every day, and you can just tick it off.
Cook double the amount you need when you can and freeze the extra for another meal.
Set up a regular food shop delivery.
List morning jobs.
Make an organisation station near the door. Keep bags for various things ready to go ( kit for activities, baby change bag) and put stuff back in the bags as soon as washed/ replenish them on return.
Sort a time of day to put laundry on every day and don't let it build up.
Keep a visible written calendar.
Plan childcare in one session in advance (possibly sort a week's worth at a time)