Healthy anxiety by proxy is ruining my life

[JTTWC]

Hello all,

I’m not sure if I have posted this in the right place but I need someone to talk to.

For the past few months I have been obsessing about my child’s health.

My daughter had been having bad stomach pains (about 3 months ago although has had most of her life, she’s 5) which after a few doctors visits, was diagnosed with reflux. However at the time she was having headaches and feeling sick. I googled (yes I know) and it came up with brain tumours. This lasted a week or so and now thankfully she seems to be ok.

I’m not sure if it was this or something else has resulted in every little ailment my child claims to have being googled by me convinced there is something seriously wrong.

In the space of a week, I have convinced myself that 2 of my children have Leukaemia. My sons knee hurt this afternoon, but then I remembered he said it hurt a few weeks ago. So in my mind it must be that.

I can’t carry on like this. I’m calling the doctors about little things whereas I never use to. I’m not my normal laid back self. I’m an anxious person, constantly checking my child’s temperatures, checking them for lumps and bumps, waking through out the night to check their breaths per minute.

Tonight it even developed to the worry about my partner. I worried he might have a heart attack whilst I’m downstairs and I wake to find him dead.

Things have also gotten so bad that when they are school and I hear an ambulance I worry if it’s for my child and the school just hasn’t called me yet. How mad is that?

I’m losing my mind. I’m not the person I use to be. My partner is noticing and I think so is my family.

I know the advice would be go to the GP, which I intend to do. I just don’t know what to say. Maybe that I’m mad and I know I’m mad but I don’t know what to do?

Thank you for reading. Any advice would be appreciated.

I apologise if I don’t reply till the morning. It’s been a long day.

Be kind to yourself OP. Just tell the GP what you’ve said here and go from there.

Go to your GP and discus a referral for CBT.

Just tell the doctor exactly what you've told us. They'll be able to help you xx

Hi OP, I'm exactly the same! I've barely eaten or slept the past two weeks because I've been utterly convinced my child has some dreadful disease. I've managed to get back on my original medication and I'm on a waiting list for CBT. I'm starting to feel a bit calmer but still worrying. Everyone around me tells me he is fine and I need to try listen. It's awful, I really feel for you it's ruining my life and relationships. Xx

I think sometimes when anxiety gets this bad it is a distorted reaction to other life events. E.g. stress at work, manifests as health anxiety. Stress in a relationship - same sort of thing. Take a look at your life as a whole and work out what might make you a bit happier overall, less focussed on the health anxiety. A holiday? Change of a job? Cut down hours at work? Clear out some old paperwork that's been bugging you? I always find my anxiety focuses on really specific ridiculous things but usually it's triggered by something else more general in my life. And also - get the CBT!! But don't forget to review your life and try to make a few changes towards being happier in general.

I am the same but with my dog :(

Hi OP, tell your GP exactly what you have told us and that you would like some support in getting over this.

CBT would probably be a good starting point

It's anxiety, op, manifesting in obtrusive thoughts about your family's health. Talk to your gp.

I agree with @hufffflufff that there will be an underlying reason for this anxiety. CBT might help you work this out as it will think about triggers.

I'm place marking sorry as I'm too
Tired to reply tonight

You aren't mad my love. Anxiety has you in its clutches and you will need a little help to release its grip. First call doctors also see if you can self refer for cognitive behavioural therapy in your local area. You might want to ask the doctor about medication in addition to talking therapies. In the meantime, can you do something every day that focuses your attention? Exercise, meditation, playing with the kids? Anything that forces out of your head and into your body. Solidarity, it's a bastard.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I will be emailing the doctor today. For some reason if it’s to do with mental health I find it quite difficult to speak to the doctor about it. When I have been in the past for ‘physical’ issues I found them quite dismissive. Maybe I think as it’s not something they can physically see then they won’t believe me.

I’m sorry to all the others going through this. It’s a horrible way to feel and like others said, really takes a hold on your life.

Does anyone know what the wait time is for CBT? I wonder if there is something the doctor could give me in the meantime. When I drop the kids off to school I have this hour of ‘panic’ and then eventually calm down. It’s all-consuming.

I take sertraline and it definitely helps with anxiety for me.

One thing I would say is try not to seek reassurance all the time, from google or doctors or whoever. Reassurance actually feeds the anxiety and you'll feel momentary relief before you think 'but what about XYZ' and the cycle starts again.

Try and distract yourself and think you'll just not worry for 15 minutes, then add another 15 and so on.

For example, drop the kids at school then immediately think of something to really distract you, even if it's online quizzes or Decluttering or exercising.

My main motivation for getting over this is that anxiety has taken so much of my life and my freedom and I do not want my kids to go through the same process so with them I am breezy and calm when inside my brain in going ten to the dozen. It does calm down though when I'm consistent about distraction and being hard on myself and not seeking reassurance.

Anxiety is awful.

You know this isn't rational.
It's ok to feel like this, it can be helped, and be guided by your gp.
Don't dismiss medication.

You can self refer for CBT, just Google IAPT + your area. It's the same service as your GP would refer to.

The GP can prescribe something for your symptoms of anxiety, either a beta blocker or an anti depressant.

I take Sertraline for anxiety also.

Recently, things started nose-diving again, Covid, lockdown, work stress etc etc - so I was also prescribed beta blockers - these have been immensely helpful in dealing with momentary panic and consciously irrational fears.

Yes that makes me feel worse knowing it’s not rational. It’s just like why can I not stop thinking like this?!

I think for me it’s an element of control. I know I cannot control every little thing in my child’s life and it’s almost like I struggle to accept that.

I’m waiting to hear back from the GP after my email. There is a one doctor at my practice who I feel listens to me and I’m hoping I can get an appointment with them.

@thaegumathteth I relate to that very much. You think seeking reassurance will make you feel better and actually it makes me feel worse. After reading what you wrote I can see that now. There could be a million and one other things causing it but I have to zone in on the worst possible outcome.

I get aches and pains all the time but I don’t feel any anxiety about my health so why I cannot feel the same about my family I don’t know.

Once again I really appreciate all the replies. I find it very difficult to speak to people in real life. So thank you all for listening and giving me your experiences.

I have health anxiety and health anxiety by proxy. Spend a good portion of every day worrying about myself or DC in some way. I’ve been living with cancer all year despite having no symptoms of cancer at all. I’m having blood tests today which I’m hoping will stop the worry about leukaemia but I don’t know. I’m constantly seeking symptoms of illness, checking for temperatures and lumps, convincing myself of the worst even though I know it’s utterly irrational. I’ve been having counselling for a few weeks but it isn’t really helping, I probably need medication but don’t want to be on it for the rest of my life.

No real advice, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone at all.