Do you think my manager/colleagues were laughing at me?

[ohdeery]

I recently started a new job in a very tight knit team. All my colleagues are around my age (20s) and all my new colleagues are very close, more like friends. They are very welcoming to me but for context they are close and joke around together and I'm more quiet and serious (I'm trying to relax more though as I feel like my shyness is making me seem too serious for the job culture). The job is in PR and I started at the end of August, for context.

Since starting I have had lots of positive feedback, but I can't tell if it's genuinely good feedback or if it's them trying to raise my confidence. I have found, in previous jobs, that because I'm more on the quiet side managers are very overly encouraging to me and I often feel like I'm treated... delicately.

Anyway, I got added to a work Whats App for a particular project when I first started in August but have not ever needed to participate during it because I wasn't on any active projects yet, so I think maybe my colleagues don't remember that I am in that Whats App group. One of them wrote they were just finishing up checking over one of my pieces of work and one of my colleagues (more senior than me) replied "oh don't bother, we all know it will be perfect" and then immediately several of my colleagues replied with LOL, haha, etc.

Do you think there was some meanness to that comment and their responses?

Also lol is often just a failsafe WhatsApp response, it's often meant to be neutral but bothering to respond

You say you have not met them yet. So they have been told that you are good.
Join in, make it a joke!
I do not think it is mean. And if you join in you will show them that you have a sense of humour.

I don’t think it sounds mean

I would reply with this——— ☺️😌

They haven’t forgotten you’re on the WhatsApp group! It just sounds to me like they are trying to include you in their banter and want to draw you in to respond, to become more part of the group. You’re being cast as the one who doesn’t need her work checking because it’s bound to be good. I’d be flattered, tbh! Maybe try and enter into the spirit and respond accordingly - maybe
Don’t take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me like they’re trying to get you to lighten up!

I do think I need to relax more and participate more in the work Whats App groups, I'm just finding it really hard because it's all done remotely. I'm quite a private person, I never post on social media and so I get nervous when I have to message on a group chat when there's like 20 colleagues on there I don't really know.

My manager is always checking in with me that I have been speaking to colleagues and getting to know them and to be honest I haven't been making as much effort as I probably should be as I feel awkward messaging a colleague I've never spoken to asking to meet them on Zoom.

My previous jobs were all in person, and I feel like within a week of being around people 9-5 5x a week you kind of lose that act you put on in a new job and my shyness would fall away and I'd be laughing and joking around with colleagues. I was really well-liked in my previous job despite being shy. I feel like because this is largely remotely that new awkward stage is prolonged...

Even in Zoom meetings I can tell I'm overly conscious of my posture and facial expressions, whilst other colleagues are more casual and relaxed. It's a small thing but it's been bugging me.

It's hard to tell whether they're being mean or not (I'm inclining towards "not"), but it doesn't matter, because you will encounter nasty, mean colleagues throughout your working life, so you may as well cultivate a thick skin now.

Just carry on doing your best, being quiet if that's what you like, and assuming the best of people, whilst keeping notes a utility slapdown attitude in your back pocket, if necessary.

My manager is always checking in with me that I have been speaking to colleagues and getting to know them and to be honest I haven't been making as much effort as I probably should be as I feel awkward messaging a colleague I've never spoken to asking to meet them on Zoom.

If your manager is checking in about it you absolutely must force yourself out of your comfort zone to do it.

If you’re PR, you know how to do this! Don’t hide away. You’re working in a PR job so your colleagues will also know how this goes and be welcoming not see it as an intrusion.

At the moment, all they really know about you is that you don’t need help - you’re basically perfect. This is because you’re thinking perfectionism is the way to impress - but actually, to quote Leonard Cohen, “Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” You need to show a bit of vulnerability to get a dialogue going!

Think of things you can ask for help with - little stuff, doesn’t need to be major - and start engaging.

I know it is scary but it is the only way, I promise you. In person, if you didn’t know where they kept the tea bags or the envelopes, you’d ask, right? And someone would walk you to the kitchen/stationery cupboard and have a chat on the way. Look for that level of chat and interaction and small problem solving someone can do for you to demonstrate they’re kind.

@HotChoc10

Reply with the angel emoji

This

@ohdeery

Even in Zoom meetings I can tell I'm overly conscious of my posture and facial expressions, whilst other colleagues are more casual and relaxed. It's a small thing but it's been bugging me.

First job you say?

You may not be the correct fit for the culture but who cares.

You are there to work. Work.

Do you meet them face to face?

I would respond to the Whats App message with something friendly like “lol. The muffins from my local bakery are perfect. When are we all in the office so I can buy you some? Starting a new job wfh is a little different”.

My thoughts-

Yes I think they've forgotten you're in the group..I don't think they would have said that if they remembered.

When you have next team meet and talk about project say casually oh yes I've done x / it's coming along well. Ill put a note on the project watsapp about it later. Just as a reminder.

Given I reckon they'd forgotten what they said was not bad in the end.

Watsapp groups with work are a nightmare. People forget who they're taking to. Mine is full of comments about women they would do even though older and stuff like that.

The massive problem is it's not a work system so not recorded etc etc.

Just give them a subtle reminder. And try to put it behind you.

I do feel for you. Integrating into a new team who are close while working remotely is just incredibly difficult full stop.

Your work is great. What was said if forgot you there was ok I understand why not happy. But it could have been waay worse.

Ours is X is s total c"nt and things like that.

You are fine and have done nothing wrong and your personality is fine. You're in a difficult position is all with wfh etc. As are many people.

Someone senior to them has been singing your praises to them, probably too much and it's a bit of a jealous dig at them saying it over and over not you. They are parroting that person and no they haven't remembered you are in the group but it isn't about you it's about whoever er is singing your praises.

Who interviewed you? I'm going to stick my neck on the line ut wasn't any of them, normally find the person who employed someone can drive others bonkers with such and such is amazing.

Don't be upset about it someone in your organisation or maybe more are impressed and their comments are joking about that person. You are a by product no unkindness aimed at you.

I can get where you're coming from OP. I started a new job working 100% from home and it is so hard to fit in and get to know people. I've been there about a year now and it's only been the last few months I've felt like I actually "fit in" now. Whereas if I was working in person, I think it would have been much, much sooner.

You’re over thinking all of this. All you need to do is send the odd question to individuals or on the group if it’s a general question. When they answer, say thanks and send a smiley emoji. If it’s within the culture of the team, occasionally send a ‘have a lovely weekend’ message. You’ll settle in soon

@HotChoc10

Reply with the angel emoji

I would definitely do this. It makes you in the joke, which by the way may have a teeny bit of teasing in it but I really don't think it is meant to be mean.