Anyone else feeling "less"

[CMSdividend]

It's quite rare for me to pause, rewind, watch but I've been watching Nine Perfect Strangers. The words that one of the characters spoke just resonated with me so much. I've included a pic of it though she actually says 10 year old self.
I feel less because I am less now. I had a fantastic career, fantastic husband then had my first child and my fantastic workplace made it clear that I needed to work harder and my fantastic husband slowly turned me into a 50s housewife and his career flourished, with working away while my career dwindled as I couldn't cope with the hours needed and now 2 babies, and those around me saying I didn't need to work if he could support us financially. A third child arrived and I now had three kids under age 4. But I was being financially abused, not allowed to work and was scrabbling for money to feed us while he hid half his salary each month. Finding this out led to the divorce and he still controls me by way of maintenance and refusing to have the kids a couple of times a week so I can work. He's self-employed. I can work but only school hours and those jobs are few and far between and aren't career building.
I met my current partner, been together 7 years and have a 3 year old. Turns out he's abusive too (anger and financial) and I'm biding my time to break it off with him. We don't live together but it would be dangerous to let him have DD on his own. I do all of her care. He's a classic abuser - charming in public. I grew up with his best friend and have an ally. He knows what he's like. The police and other agencies have supported me. I work for my partner, self employed. I tried to leave to find a better job but the moods for everyone was not worth the hassle when he found out I'd had interviews. I'm bored shitless doing his work, it's not challenging.
So when I see quotes like this I think "yep, that's me there"
When I see quotes about "in 5 years time you'll look back and see how far you've come" I get angry and despondent at how current and future me are getting further and further apart from past me. I'm mid-40s. By the time DD is in secondary school I'll be in my 50s.
Please let me know I'm not alone in this. When I talk to my friends they talk about how good I am as a mum etc but I want my own identity back. I want me back.

I can't upload pic! But quote was:

I saw my past self and thought “there’s me”. And she’s funny. She’s funny, brash, full of confidence; swagger even. And I was certainly something. I really was and then I realised, I was like, “oh.” Bit by tiny little bit, life just chipped away at that great girl. I think now I see myself for who I am now, which is….less, quite a bit less than what I was.

Oh that’s sad. Maybe you’re just at the start of a period of change? Chrysalis time.

I can kind of resonate with this. I think it's due to your age (I'm 51).

When we are in our 20's, our whole life is ahead of us, we don't have too many worries and we haven't had many knocks, so you're more upbeat and positive. You look good, you're starting work and it's exciting, you're meeting new people and going to new places, bla bla bla.

Fast forward to your mid 40's and life doesn't feel quite the same! For me, things I have experienced now, at 51, that at 21 I hadn't :

• Miscarriage
• A cheating husband
• A horrible divorce
• Loving someone who didn't love me back
• Assault with a deadly weapon
• Loss of all Grandparents
• Loss of close Aunty
• Loss of my Mum
• Multiple failed job applications
• Redundancy
• Was very pretty, now overweight and invisible

I think you need to ficus on what you do have. So, for me that would be:

• A wonderful second DH
• 2 amazing adult children who are flourishing
• I'm making good money Self Employed
• I'm healthy
• No money worries

I know it's hard, because I do alot of "thinking" and I really want to just be more carefree!!

Focus on what you have and the changes you can make to get the life you want

Bit by tiny little bit, life just chipped away at that great girl.

This is true of absolutely everyone because it's called growing up and maturing.

When you are young you generally have an unshakeable (and unrealistic) belief that you can do anything coupled with a lack of life experience and a lack of responsibilities. You only really worry about tomorrow.

It's not a realistic way to live life forever once you have whatever responsibilities you have when you are +10 +20 +30 years later - whether that is children who depend on you, a mortgage, a job to hold on to, employees that rely on you and your management for their own job security, elderly parents to care for and so on.

So I wouldn't get too hung up on the Nine Perfect Strangers quote because that it is true of most people - but it's not a bad thing! A mature responsible adult is in many ways better and more life enhancing for themselves and others than a young carefree teenager.

A bigger issue is that you sound like you are unhappy with your life - which is not the same thing at all. Make any changes you can and sounds corny but practice gratitude rituals every day. Can help change your perspective.

Yes you're all right. I am sad and unhappy with my life. And I do try and put things into perspective, there are far worse things going on in the world right now. But it's that sense of a complete waste of life. My obituary would read "great servant, always put others first" and I can't do anything about it. My life is actually going to get worse again as in 8 years time, before my youngest goes to secondary, I have to pay my ex H 30% equity in the home either by selling it or pay him off. That 30% currently stands at 60k. The equity won't leave me enough to buy another house to house 5 of us and I won't be able to get a mortgage on what I'll be earning. Meanwhile exH will be sitting pretty as will current partner who will be mortgage free then on his own house and I'll be struggling to house and provide for their kids. And as both are self employed, they pay themselves minimum wage so CMS is useless!
I should probably talk to a professional about this.