University new starters in divorced family - feeling stressed!

[FanFiction]

Dd leaves next weekend & has a time slot for moving her things in, but I’m so stressed.

Bit of background: ex and I are divorced. I can’t work out who should with her (about 5 hours away).

I feel like I’ve been terribly excluded already. Since the divorce, for a number of reasons, she has mainly chosen to stay in his house and I was working so he (retired) did tge bulk of the open days, or she chose to go alone.

Dd is fiercely independent, but I feel like she’s underprepared, on a practical level.

What does she need?
Who should go up & drop her off?

Our ds is coming home from boarding school, too, and I kind of feel he should be involved, too. She’s very much “leaving home” because she’s going so far away.

Arghh how do we do this? Am I panicking unnecessarily? It doesn’t help that she has been busy with her job this week, too.

Sorry - posted too soon. That should say who should GO with her.

Ex and I get on well.
For whatever reason, my DD hasn’t involved me much in her university decisions & doesn’t communicate well with me.

I just want to do the right thing. Who should go to drop her off? What is the healthiest thing to do?

Ask her.
She might not want too much fuss.
If she prefers her Dad to go, which given what you have said, seems likely. Let her go with him. She might want you both there.
If she doesn't, have a nice meal at home. Offer to fund some new bits and pieces for her room. Is she in Halls or a shared house? She might not need huge amounts of stuff, bit some personal things, bedding, cushions etc.

Just ask her. Give her a call and say “have you made arrangements for moving to uni, is your dad taking you? I’d love to come with you too, see where you’ll be living and hemp with the move”.

See what she says. Crucially, ask DONT tell.

In the kindest way as you sound like you really care, you do t don’t sound like you have great communication and that you might well unintentionally impose your thoughts in a way that makes her feel she has to keep you at arms length in order to be able to make her own decisions.

Case in point being your feelings that her brother returning from boarding school should be involved in taking her to uni! Why 🤨 if he’ll be home before she goes then they can catch up and say hello / see you soon.
It really doesn’t need to be a family road trip a d what would he even do while she’s moving in?

Thank you, Beamur. I really appreciate your reply.

When I’ve asked her, she says she doesn’t know. It doesn’t seem such a big deal to her. I know I am projecting, it was such a major step in my life & I feel sensitive about it, given the divorce.

That’s a good idea about meal. I’ve asked her about stuff for room… maybe she will give it more attention later this week.

Yes, I don’t think she will need much. She’s going into catered halls & we have a lot of stuff - bedding, etc. from when she was boarding. She’s used to packing to move between her 2 honest

I’m probably stressing more than I need to be. It doesn’t help that I have to communicate with ex about it.

Thank you, @MimiSunshine. Yes, you’re right, it prob doesn’t need to be a family road trip. I kept hearing from my friends this weekend & both parents were there to wave off their kids. It does feel a bit weird making it into a family thing for us.

I will ask her again. She was non-committing before, but maybe it was too far away in her mind.

You’re right, communication has been very hard indeed, especially since she turned 18, and I’ve had to step back. Yes, I don’t want to unintentionally impose my thoughts - perfectly put. I think my own family dynamic was so damaged, that I can’t work out what would be healthy for us as a family. I don’t want to smother, but I don’t want to seem detached and uninvolved, either.

Thank you! I feel so lacking in confidence about some parental decisions like this.

Two of my kids have gone off to Uni. The first one I took as DH was working. The second one DH took as it didn’t need two of us.
Lots of them take themselves off leaving the parents at home.
Ask her if she wants you to help or not. Perhaps offer some money for the things she realises she needs when she gets there, there’s always things that they’ve not thought of.

I think the fact she went to boarding school makes this a rather non event for her. I would imagine in her eyes she isn't leaving home, just going away to school again. You said she is used to moving between places.
Why do you feel it is so major when she has already been away for school?

Dd's in her 3rd year and each time it's just been dh taking her.
It's far enough to be an all day or overnight trip, and the two younger ones are at home, and a long trip like that wouldn't be fun for them. Plus she needs the space in the car!

If she's in halls there may well be a ruling of one parent only helping. There certainly was last year for a lot if halls.

Do what I do, and go up February half term and have a few days with her, maybe?

Thank you, @GoodnightGrandma

I think I’m being sensitive about it, because of the divorce. If ex and I were still married, I prob wouldn’t have many concerns about his taking her.

Yes, maybe I need to ask her again if/how she wants me to help. She gets an allowance and has access to my Amazon account for things, but it’s prob worth reminding her. I just feel so detached.

@ItWearsTheBatteriesOut
Yes, I think the boarding school experience, plus moving between houses & sorting her own stuff out (ex has a partner & leaves her alone sometimes) does make it quite a non event in her eyes, and I’m aware I’m massively projecting because it was a great “I’m finally leaving home” day for me when I was doing this.

She had her 6th form in a day school, so I don’t think it’s “going away to school” for her, but I do think she’s possibly thinking of it as educational stretches away rather than “leaving home”, yes!

Thank you… it helps to think through why I’m fretting over it so much. I should just ask her which she prefers.

@MargaretThursday That’s really helpful, thank you. I’m being sensitive over us being “a divorced family” but prob I don’t need to stress over it so much.

Yes, I don’t think a long trip would be fun for all concerned. True, prob best I stay back & have time with ds - if that’s what she wants - and ex goes, or vice versa.

That’s true, I need to check if there’s a one parent rule, excellent point. Yes, was also wondering about one of the half terms. Thank you!

I was a boarder and so going to Uni definitely wasn’t a big deal in my eyes. My kids went to day schools so going to Uni was a MASSIVE deal in theirs and my eyes. This is important context.

Have you considered whether both of you parents could drop her off, would need to be in one car probably so depends on how you would all tolerate the journey! Otherwise if she decides on her Dad then I’d be booking a weekend Airbnb for a few weeks time and go to visit her in situ after she settles in.

Why not invite her for a special lunch or dinner just the two if you and tell her that this is a big deal for you? She might have no idea. The opportunity to tell her how proud you are etc etc but that this is a big deal for you and you're sorry if you've gone a bit soppy etc etc. That way you get your moment but not during her big moving day. Get her something for her room like a blanket or a plant or something with a note that suggests a chat in a few weeks or a shopping trip later in the term once she knows what she wants. Failing that, invite an understanding friend to go for a "my gorgeous girl has moved out" fest and let yourself rip! It sounds like you need to acknowledge your feelings to someone, which is healthy, but if you leave it as it is you'll feel that no one is listening.

Just another thing, it's easy to be mean to the parent you know loves you unconditionally, because you know that whatever happens nothing will change that.

I think a lot of parents find this stage hard. My Mum waved me off cheerfully but admitted later that she cried in the car on the way home and missed me being at home.
Hope it all goes well!

Echo what others have said but please don't make this about you (as suggested further up).

You could just say, so you have your timeslot - who would you like to drive you?

"When I’ve asked her, she says she doesn’t know."

When I was younger "I don't know" was code for "I know but I don't know how to communicate what I'm feeling".

As others have said, you can still have a special moment or goodbye without travelling to uni with her (in fact, missing the stress of car-luggage tetris, arguments about route planning and when to stop at the services for lunch could all be seen as bonuses!).

Does she want to be taken?

I took my DD as far as Kings Cross and she took the train to Edinburgh.

She’s very much “leaving home” because she’s going so far away.

Does she know you’re considering her to have moved out? It sounds very final and a bit ‘this is not your home anymore’.

@VanCleefArpelsVanCleefArpels Yes, I think the boarding school/shifting houses thing is important context. Although she has spent 6th form in a day school, she is definitely used to doing her own thing. Yes, maybe going up alone in a few weeks' time is preferable!

@tinselvestsparklepants Good idea, not sure there is time this week though, but I could always text her something along those lines. We had agreed she was going to make me a list with what she needs, so I can always re-send that. It's certainly helpful to share my thoughts on here!

@ItWearsTheBatteriesOut

Just another thing, it's easy to be mean to the parent you know loves you unconditionally, because you know that whatever happens nothing will change that.

OMG yes. Thank you so much for saying this. It has happened many a time!

Thank you, Beamur Yes, I seem to have had a lot of crying mum-friends on my FB or over text this week! I feel more celebratory that she's got where she wanted to be, and relief at having "grown her" to this age & stage, but am worried we might be missing out on some major life landmark. Huge thanks!

@orangejuicer No, I don't think I am making it about me - I recognise my projection, but the point of my post is that I want to do what's right for her. I don't know if I should ask "who" or suggest we both go. It's helpful to see how everyone else is doing it.

@Lookwhoseinsideagain Good point, will bear in mind that it might be that. She doesn't generally have a problem communicating anything she feels strongly about, but I will ask her again. I suspect she doesn't have any strong opinions about it. Yes! There is something about not having to do that long trip!

@CraftyGin Yes, she said she def wants to be driven there with her stuff. Yes, some of her friends have just taken themselves there by train.

@Sn0tnose

• She’s very much “leaving home” because she’s going so far away.

Does she know you’re considering her to have moved out? It sounds very final and a bit ‘this is not your home anymore’.*

I don't think that's accurate. I said I thought she was leaving home, not that there won't be a home for her anymore. She knows she has, and will always have, two.

As someone else who is fiercely independent and remembers vividly moving to uni… if you make it seem like a big deal and your ex is more likely to drive her, drop her off and leave her to it, she may well lean that way. Especially if she already lives there, so it’s less of an “event”.

It won’t be anything against you. I just didn’t see the big deal. I found my way, like I wanted to - I didn’t want road trips and goodbyes and a load of fuss.

But I’d second what @ItWearsTheBatteriesOut said, too

My brother took me as both my parents were working. I hadn't thought about having a kettle in my room for cups of tea or a fold out airer to dry clothes on.

The day I arrived (remember this was a long time ago....) we had to queue up for our grant cheques and then queue up to pay our hall fees. My grant cheque wasn't in and that panicked me....I had thought that was what I would live off so hadn't considered emergency money!! (I laugh now how wet I was!) - so make sure she has enough funds for the first couple of weeks.

She isn't leaving home as most university accommodation you have to leave during the holidays and empty your room out....so she'll be back.....regularly.

Wish her well, tell her you can take her if she likes....otherwise would she mind if you pop up in a couple of weeks for the afternoon?

My daughter started uni 3 weeks ago. I don’t know boarding school setup or if your daughter had to share etc. but she has a decent sized, very bland en-suite room. We got her some really nice bedding, a rug, fairy lights, little plants, replaced her shower curtain and curtains with ones that were more funky - just did everything we could to make it feel homely.

I agree you are projecting your own issues and this is perhaps why she is keeping you at arms length. The fact that you think your son should be involved in this show this.

As others said that ask her again what she would like. Perhaps invite her to dinner/lunch. You could offer to keep the day she is moving up free in case everything does not fit in one car. Maybe offer to visit in a couple of weeks and take her to lunch and bring up anything that she may have forgotten.