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Original poster

I think I am being unreasonable..

19 replies

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2021 20:40

..but I'm not sure. I am trying to behave like an adult and not think like a teenager having a strop.

If your man had been married to someone who was abusive and controlling and had left and lived on his own for years and then divorced, would you wonder why she called him on Friday 'just for a chat - to see how he is'.

Would you believe it?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2021 20:44

I’d wonder why he took the call.

Original poster

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2021 20:47

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’d wonder why he took the call.

Yes. Apparently she tried calling when he was at work, and she left a message asking if she could call. He agreed. When I asked why she called he said it was just a catch up to see how he is.

Am I being a twat here because I wonder why he even has her number?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2021 20:50

I would wonder why he would even consider sharing his goings on with her given she was abusive and they've been apart for so long. Why would he want her, of all people, to know how he is?

BabyRace · 19/09/2021 20:53

I would imagine he thought there was some major news, maybe a family member of hers he liked had passed away and once he realised that wasn't the case he should cut contact. Block and delete. She is trying to worm her way back in.

Original poster

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2021 20:56

I think she called him for another reason and I promise you I will find out.
I have been like the third person for too long. I have never met her or spoken to her. I have been kind and patient and watched her manipulate him in the past. He likes a quiet life so sees no reason to tell her not to call

OP posts:

ACCx · 19/09/2021 21:00

I wouldn’t like this either. Is there any reason as to why he doesn’t want to tell her not to call again? Any children involved or any ties? If not then I would just ask him to tell her politely that there’s no reason to call him.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/09/2021 21:03

I think these exes get nosey, and want to know what's going on. My bf is in much the same situation and the ex sends him emails (occasionally). He just sends a polite noncommittal reply, which is ok.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2021 21:11

I have been like the third person for too long.

Isn't this all you need to know? Stop wasting time, get rid, and move on.

Original poster

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2021 23:07

Yes they have an adult child. I asked him how long they spoke for. He told me five minutes. It was much longer than that. He told me she talked and he listened. He said it was a load of tat and he made the right noises. It's probably true. I have told him I am hurt. He looked very surprised.
I am probably being a bit melodramatic because I do not understand why he want want to engage with her but they have a child and so I have to accept that they will discuss family issues that are nothing to do with me.
I have told him how I feel. He knows. He is baffled that I would be bothered in the slightest because he tells me he does not like her and if they speak it is always she who calls him, so perhaps I should calm down.

OP posts:

Fattedthesecond · 19/09/2021 23:11

Some people remain in contact and friendly with their exes. Why does this bother you so much? Are you jealous of her? Are you jealous of other females in his life too?

Original poster

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2021 23:17

@Fattedthesecond

Some people remain in contact and friendly with their exes. Why does this bother you so much? Are you jealous of her? Are you jealous of other females in his life too?

I think what bothers me more than anything is that despite the appalling way she treated him during their marriage, and the complete lack of regard for him as a person behaving as if he should respect her no matter what she ever did or said, no matter how much trouble she caused for him, he still gives her the time of day. I'm not jealous of her. Jealousy is the wrong word. I simply do not like it and don't want him to behave as if everything is hunky dory. She devalued him and he does it too when he engages with her.

OP posts:

ACCx · 20/09/2021 06:41

I mean if they have a child and she was calling about the child then I suppose not much can be said. but you said it was just to see how your husband was. Which I do find a little odd. But the good thing is he was honest with you and probably doesn’t see any issue with it as it was harmless. Now he does know it bothers you maybe he should just nip it in the bud. For example not answering next time. If she calls a text message back would be sufficient like ‘hey I’ve just seen your missed call, what’s up?’ If it’s just for a chat then he can ignore if he wants to.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2021 06:45

As they have a child then I think it’s good for them to maintain a distant but civil relationship, which would involve periodic catch ups.

It does feel like you’re jealous but trying to dress it up as something noble.

JustLyra · 20/09/2021 06:54

If he wants to have the odd catch up with the mother of his child then surely that’s entirely up to him.

It would be somewhat ironic if you try and interfere/control his interactions with her on the basis that she was controlling.

Mariell · 20/09/2021 07:03

You only have his word that she was abuaive and controlling.

My ex described his ex wife as being a complete demon and that she had cheated on him resulting in him leaving.

I had met him after he had left the marital home and they were divorcing and the things he told me portrayed him in a sympathetic light and her as an absolutely dreadful wife and mother.

After a few years I met her by chance and she was jolly and nice and nothing like he had described her. I then discovered from mutual friends that it was he that had cheated, not her!

I now find the ones who often have a dramatic past are they ones that created the drama.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/09/2021 07:15

My ex prob tells people I was awful. Not attending to his every whim...
In fact it was he who was the twat.. Never seen /heard since the day I told him to leave...

UseOfWeapons · 20/09/2021 07:42

I agree with PP…my exes probably tell their friends and family that they were justified in their behaviour. My 2nd exH was very abusive, and I was lucky to escape with my life. He wrote on a forum that I was an alcoholic, and a delinquent, whereas I don’t drink, and he used to hold my throat and force alcohol down my throat.
My 1st exH has been in touch many times since I divorced him, on one occasion to ask me to meet him. He’d had a nervous breakdown, was under the care of a psychiatrist, and wanted to tell me he had been a shit to me as part of his rehab. He’s now just split up for wife number 3/4 and was stalking her.
I’d retain a healthy scepticism towards both of them, and move on.

Original poster

Anordinarymum · 20/09/2021 12:18

We have been together for nearly twenty years. His marriage to her was awful. She is an alcoholic.

I have witnessed some of her behaviour. It's not a story. All of it is true.
When I met his family his sisters told me they had waited years to see him smile.
The adult child is the only common ground they share. His life is with me.
There have been times when he has been at home and she has called him. he sees her name come up and ignores the call saying he will speak another time or he takes the call and leaves the room.
It unnerves me to think he can't accept a call from her if I am there. I realise when she calls at night it is because she has been drinking.
When I have asked him why he won't speak to her in front of me he says she doesn't want to hear your voice.

OP posts:

ACCx · 20/09/2021 18:31

Ok so now there’s some context I may be in the minority here but I agree with you OP. I wouldn’t like it either. Also if she ‘doesn’t want to hear your voice’ she shouldn’t be calling your husband. Like you say you’ve been together 20 years therefore she needs to accept you’re in the picture and your voice may be heard in the background. I don’t see why he would protect her feelings by leaving the room. X

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