Since DH died I've started touching random men.

[RunningStrong]

Maybe DH's death is just a coincidence and it's actually coming out of lockdown that's made it possible, but I've never been a "touchy" person.

Recently, I've found myself putting a hand on a shoulder or an arm in the oddest of situations.

Yesterday twice, once a man I barely know who'd succeeded at an event I'd like to do, the other a man who was getting a bit tearful over DH's death. So not completely off the wall situations, but I'm not usually that person. The lack of random hugging during Covid has been a good thing afaic!.

Also this week, I just stopped myself patting a senior colleague on the back as I told him his new haircut takes years off 😆 I've never touched anyone, male or female, at work and I'd hate it if they touched me.

I need to get a grip

A little bit odd but it’s probably the grief. Would one of those soft toys that people hold in the palm of their hands help you to be less fidgety and you might not feel the urge to reach out?

Stress balls I mean. Couldn’t think of the name.

Oh poor you. You are looking for human contact - we all need it - and your source has been taken from you. Agree that it is something you need to reign back on, but I think it makes perfect sense. This is a bit off the wall, but could you go and get massages? We used to have them for patients at a hospital where I worked and the masseur always swore that we need to touch and be touched regularly to be healthy. Take care.

I agree that touch is so important. I noticed amongst my older relatives that the older women particularly, wanted to have their hand held when we visited them. They seem to derive huge comfort from having their hand held.

Honestly, I think it's perfectly normal human interaction.
I'm sorry for your loss

It sounds like you’re missing human touch to me.

I think your behaviour is very normal. Touch is an essential ingredient of life. We are in danger of losing it and devaluing it. I get concerned that people recoil so much against casual touch these days as if it is automatically an infringement of personal liberty. A stranger touching your arm or a colleague patting your back shouldn't be repulsive to us. It's not oppressive or sexual. It's a natural part of human interaction.

I’m affectionate despite being an old bag and I certainly haven’t let the nonsensical rules concerning Covid put me off from embracing anyone.

Apparently, if you have to touch, the forearm between elbow and wrist is the right place.

Best avoided though.

I did wonder where you were touching random men. I know that when dementia creeps in, I'm going to be terribly embarrassing to know.

Sos sorry for your loss OP.

I wonder if they are in some way reminding you of your DH, and causing you to 'reach out'?

Massage might be an idea, to help you get some of the touch you may need. We all need to feel cared for.

When my friends husband died she told me she booked herself in for massages just for human touch.

@RunningStrong

I don't think it's wrong to want human connection, it's completely natural especially during a time of grief. I don't think you necessarily need to rein it in either, so long as the gesture seems appreciated.

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Apparently, if you have to touch, the forearm between elbow and wrist is the right place.

Best avoided though.

I did wonder where you were touching random men. I know that when dementia creeps in, I'm going to be terribly embarrassing to know.

Different circumstances, but i used to go ceroc dancing classes (precovid) where u frequently swapped partners and noticed how enjoyable it was to touch and be touched.

Not with everyone mind u, but I then learned what type of touch I liked.

@Mariell
Ah, a 'How to ...' guide!

I remember saying to someone that after my DH died, suddenly nobody touched me. Like I was going to break if they did, or grief was contagious, or something.

That friend gave me a massive hug, and after that I started booking regular massages from a brilliant woman who didn't mind when I cried throughout - touch is very releasing, and we need it. Maybe try and create safe ways to have that contact though, just because it will mean you don't need to worry about whether it's "allowed".

I found that after my husband died and I received the idd hug from a friend or family, I craved it even more and would hold the hug for too long.

I had baby DS to hug and touch constantly, but a platonic hug, or arm touch from another adult would mean so much to me. I found I had to stop myself from reaching out and touching acquaintances, but I became unusually touchy-feely with friends.

Once I met my new husband I went back to normal length hugs as I was getting my contact time with him.

It sounds completely normal.

Thank you, yes I think it's obvious I'm looking for little crumbs of comfort, but I need to stop before other women start seeing me as one of those threatening predatory widows they don't want near their husbands

@RunningStrong

Thank you, yes I think it's obvious I'm looking for little crumbs of comfort, but I need to stop before other women start seeing me as one of those threatening predatory widows they don't want near their husbands

TBH some women will always see you like that anyway - even close friends looked at me with suspicion. But the friends that matter will understand. 💞