If you're single, small dc, Do you feel on top of things? How?

[ImFree2doasiwant]

I always feel like I'm chasing my tail. I'm tired, I don't have any "go" about me .

I'm single, 44, 2 DC (4 abd 6) work part time. 4 days a week, with 1 afterschool care. The others I can do school pick up.

Dc go to their dad's 1 weekend day, for the day, rarely overnight. Never in the holidays. We have some animals which I know give me more to do but also doing those jobs keeps me sane.

Once the DC are I'm bed, I dont want to do anything. I never go out (childcare). I will wash up, do a bit of tidying maybe but need to be getting on and doing more but don't have the energy. I do spend too much time looking at crap on my phone and am making an effort nit to, and read/watch a film instead.

How do you do it all? I did have a cleaner but can't really afford it so stopped. Her 2.5 hours a week helped enormously.

I know that if I just got on with it for half an hour every night, it would make a HUGE difference. But I end up sitting down fir 5 minutes, until I can be sure the DC are asleep, then any motivation is gone.

Please don’t feel bad- this was me when I was single. Can you work from home one day a week to give you some head space? If you know any other single mums could you approach them about pooling childcare? I used to have my friend’s toddler one Saturday a fortnight and vice verse so we could each have a little respite. It’s a tough gig!

Honestly when my two were small I was on my own and felt like this constantly. Sometimes in the evenings I would just sit on the couch not watching telly or anything because I felt totally knackered. I think in a way it’s quite unreasonable though to expect you can work part time, care for your kids all day by yourself, then do chores until bedtime. You do need some time to rest and relax as well for your own health. And making the effort to read or watch a film sounds like a good idea instead of scrolling.

So sorry no real advice here! Except possibly lowering your standards a bit. Can their dad step up and do a bit of parenting? That would help a lot given that he’s having them 1 day out of 7. He could easily have them one full weekend. Or a weekend and a weekday evening.

Don't sit down until you've done the jobs for that day. It will soon become your normal routine. Do a list of what needs to be done on each day and tick it off as you go through the week.

@CrumpetsForAll if I had 1 child I think the childcare swap would work, but it doesn't seem feasible with 2. I'm hoping as they get a bit older they'll have friend they can maybe go separately to.

@Kanaloa oh god, yes, the sitting in numb silence is definitely a thing here! You just need it after a full on day.

My standards are pretty low. I think the house stuff us getting to getting to more as I've got really behind with it over the summer holidays. Their dad current lives with his parents which makes it difficult. I'm hoping when (IF ) he gets his own place we can make a better arrangement.

@userxx do you know what, the simplest solutions are often the best. I hadn't even thought of a list, which is silly because I work much better from a list. I did to the TOMM housework thing before which helped but went to pay over lockdown. Today's job, us to make a daily job list for after bedtime.

When things feel overwhelming you can't see the wood for the trees. I think if you stick to your list for a week you'll be back on track in no time and feel so much better about it all.

Thanks, it will definitely help. I do use a list on the day the dc go to their dad's and it helps focus my efforts!

I guess I just wanted to say it feels hard because it is hard, not because you’re in anyway lacking. Friends used to say to me ‘I don’t know how you do it!’ And in my head I used to think ‘by being quite sad quite often’. I hope you’re not feeling that way

It definitely gets easier . Mine are now 6 and 10 and I can get on with things like washing etc at the weekend while they are playing / on computer etc . I work 4 days as well and get most the cleaning done on my day off Friday so I don’t have to worry so much at weekend. Also with bigger jobs I need to do I write a list and when they go to their dads I try and do a couple of things off the list as well as some relaxation time !

@CrumpetsForAll drives me mad when people say I don’t know how you do it , like we have a choice !

It is hard! I was single, with one DC, working full time and studying. My DS never went to his DFs so it was just me. I used to make sure I did one thing for me a day, usually a bath and a little TV.

You can only do what you can do. It does get easier. You are doing a great job!

@wendz86 exactly! It’s not like not feeding/clothing/attending to the emotional needs of your child is acceptable so obvs you just end up neglecting those requirements for your self...

You just muddle through really. I was permanently exhausted, financially struggling and drowning under a sea of things I needed to do. Over a decade later little has changed, I've just made my peace with it all and prioritise the important things: sleep and fun with DD.

@CrumpetsForAll Well clearly I am feeling sad because your post made me cry. Which is ridiculous.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch today. Something I never do. All I can think about is the stuff that I won't get done. That said, I need a break

People say to me "I don't know how you do it" and I don't know, I feel like i should be able to do it, and better. It's not as if I work full time.

Oh no @ImFree2doasiwant I’m sorry you feel so burnt out, it’s to be expected, you are doing more than is really sustainable. Can you put your kids in after school club a few extra nights just to give yourself a little extra time? My ex paid half for childcare which helped but I know the cost can be an issue otherwise. I also got working tax credits- if you’re a recent single parent do check you’re getting all the help you’re entitled to!

I think lunch with a friend sounds like a great idea- a change can be as good as a rest

Thank you @CrumpetsForAll. I can't quite get to grips with the fact that it IS hard, rather than it being me who is crap. I've been separated a few years but not divorced, that's something I've just started so am a bit anxious about the repercussions of that which doesn't help.

Sadly there are no after school clubs at all . Very small village school so I guess no demand.

I'm going to go and do some animal care jobs, always helps clear my head, before going for lunch.

@ImFree2doasiwant you’re working more than full time with providing sole care for two young kids!

I used to set up the iPad and get those Aldi croissants laid out on Saturday mornings so I got at least one restful morning?

No one eats or dresses or sleeps without you co-ordinating it, of course you’re knackered. If you tried to pay a nanny to do what you’re doing the first thing they’d ask is when they get a break and it would be phenomenally expensive. I hope you’re is paying you appropriate maintenance.

I was working 0.8 when I did it and at least twice I nearly ended up on a performance review- something had to give and along with my emotional health my work took a battering.

Oh and a divorce will take it out of you even if it’s reasonably amicable- my ex & me drafted our consent order together and agreed all the equity stuff but there were still disputes and it was still immensely stressful, don’t underestimate the toll the legal process takes even if it’s not some dramatic Kramer vs Kramer thing

I once worked out that I hadn’t been out for an evening for 7 years. (I haven’t been out after tea for over 3 years now). I have no childcare or practical support at all.

Lists are great and when I was working full time and my children were under 5, I used to cook the evening meal the night before and put it in the fridge. I also do a lot of batch cooking for the freezer.