Have I taken my baby for granted?

[ohthestruggles]

I have a 3 month old baby, who I love very very much. Parenthood hasn't been plain sailing and I must admit I haven't enjoyed every part of it. It's given me many highs and a few lows too. But two things happened today that made me question what the fuck I have been doing for the last three months.

One of my friends told me she will never conceive naturally and I also found out that a colleague lost her baby at 6 months old. I can't even comprehend how either of these things must feel because I've been blessed and lucky to conceive and have a healthy baby. But it's also shaken me and made me realise how fragile life can be. The baby died suddenly and I suppose I hadn't even considered something like this to be a real possibility. I spent the afternoon crying and hugging my baby. I don't even feel worthy of crying because it isn't my grief and nothing I can say will ease the pain for either of these people because I haven't experienced what they have/are going through. I've gotten frustrated about trivial things like not having washing done or not enough hours in the day to do everything when all the while I should've just been loving my baby and ignoring everything else. I feel shit! This is just a rambling but I've found that I struggle to process and get over things like this since having my son.

Oh, bless you @ohthestruggles. That’s shocking news and I’m not surprised it’s given you a fright- totally normal when you’re a new parent, I think. I remember watching a programme on TV about Dunblane (was a big anniversary) when my eldest was around 6months old. I cried and cried at it and remember cuddling her after her night feed that evening thinking how naive I had been to the suffering in the world. I felt really young (I wasn’t, I was in my mid-thirties) and daft and like I’d been skipping around not realising how thin the line is between life and death. To a lesser extent I remember feeling similar when my beloved grandfather died suddenly, but I’d not had kids then.... and I think having children heightens those emotions at times- especially when they’re very young and your hormones are still a bit wonky.

Of course you haven’t taken your baby for granted, or no more so than anyone alive and healthy with healthy loved ones takes that for granted. You couldn’t possibly live your life with the weight of the fragility of life on your shoulders; if you did you’d be hideously depressed and possibly never get out of bed! And as for worrying about trivial things like not having enough time, housework, all that... of course you’ve been annoyed by these things (despite knowing deep down that they don’t matter really). We all do, it’s human (and actually, a way of coping with the scratch-the-surface horrors of the world).

All you- and any of us in a fortunate position right now, today- can possibly do is show (and tell) your loved ones that you love them at every opportunity, count your blessings and enjoy your life. Enjoy your beautiful baby, I’m sure that they know how much you love them even at their young age now.

All you- and any of us in a fortunate position right now, today- can possibly do is show (and tell) your loved ones that you love them at every opportunity, count your blessings and enjoy your life. Enjoy your beautiful baby, I’m sure that they know how much you love them even at their young age now.

PP has said everything I wanted to say, but this is the most important. Completely natural to have these kinds of feelings and get very existential! Trivial things still matter and are still part of life, even if you have a brand new baby and are feeling a bit wobbly about things.

Take care

Please don't feel like that - having a baby is hard, being pregnant is hard, being a parent is hard.
It is very acceptable to admit it.
My DD died at 2 days old - I am eternally grateful for my rainbow DD but it didn't mean it hasn't been really hard all the way.
Be grateful and thankful, but also know that it is fine to accept and acknowledge that it can be really hard at times too x

@RainbowMum11 I'm so sorry for your loss. It takes a very special someone to live with that kind of loss although I know you don't get a choice, it really is unfathomable and I'm sure people who haven't lived through it will never ever understand what it is like.

I'm annoyed at myself that it's all only hit home today how bloody lucky we are. And it's taken these two awful things to make me see that. Life is so fragile and I've been living in some sort of bubble and moaning because my house is a tip

I believe there is a hormone change at three months, and another at six.

Take care of yourself OP. It will pass.

Once you have a child it's completely normal to react like this to news of the death of another child. It makes you want to just be a better parent and cherish every single day - understandably. But don't beat yourself up. Real life isn't like that. Children are hard work and frustrating and we all have rubbish day.

I had been to several child funerals before I was a mum. But I didn’t get the enormity of the grief until after then.

You're only human. It's entirely natural to have a moan about things, it doesn't mean you take things for granted.

It took me 7 years to conceive my child. I spent those years judging parents when they complained about tiredness or wanting time to themselves. I thought if I had a baby, I would spend all day in awe of the miracle being and that I would never want anything else for myself ever again.

It turns out I am like every other parent I know. I love my child but there are many days when I look forward to bedtime so that I can have some peace and quiet.

You're a human being. Don't feel guilty, having a baby is incredibly tough. I gave birth to a sleeping baby at 32 weeks, I thought my time as a mother had ended. Several years later, I'm blessed with my 3 year old.
Whilst it may not be possible for everyone, I would never want anyone to feel guilty or aggrieved due to my personal loss and experience. Its a tragic part of life that some women unfortunately experience.. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is. Your daughter is loved, cared for and safe. You're a human and allowed to feel a particular way about trivial things. I also learnt that what's trivial to others could something massive in someone else's life so never to judge.
It gets better. Take care of yourself x

I honestly feel for every women who can’t have children, has lost children or had got children.

The enormity of life you’ve created and have such a special bond.

I wish I was in your position as it’s such a feminine thing to do…. Have a child.

I spent 10 years ttc and so many miscarriages that I couldn’t enjoy the pregnancy because I was so worried. Then I had baby and got PNA that he was going to die suddenly. Now he’s nearly 2 and I feel I haven’t enjoyed his babyhood as much as I should have considering I might not be able to have another child. Just be grateful you haven’t had the negative experiences & enjoy your baby.

I've had multiple miscarriages and I have sadly never experienced a pregnancy that hasn't been marred by anxiety and fear. I've actually always felt like the only positive to come from my heartache is, that I truly don't take a day for granted (not to say I don't have tough days btw!!).

A lot of my close friends have been fortunate like yourself and had successful pregnancies and healthy children and they have been lucky enough not have the same fears and anxieties. I'll be honest that I envy them - how happy and confident they are. Sometimes I want to say 'don't you know that things don't always work out!?' But I know that's just me projecting my own fears.

I'd actually wish for anyone to have what you've had (even if I'm a bit jealous!) and you have nothing to feel bad about. Now your eyes have been opened to how others journeys are different, just feel glad that you've had a much more positive experience but don't feel guilty. It's a lottery when it comes to conception and having a successful and healthy pregnancy. Most people 'win' at it, but some don't.

There is a lot of pain in this world, and it means that you've got empathy for others. Unfortunately, I have not yet managed to see a bfp, I have medical problems and also it was my fault for spending many years waiting for my partner to become ready.

But please do not feel guilty for complaining about everyday problems, we all do at some point.

@TrampolineForMrKite reply is perfect and sums up everything so well. I especially liked You couldn’t possibly live your life with the weight of the fragility of life on your shoulders; if you did you’d be hideously depressed and possibly never get out of bed!

OP cry hug your baby it’s okay to do that and feel the pain for your colleagues and friend. It’s okay to be overwhelmed by the enormity of it all and feel that you’ve been in a bubble and haven’t realised how lucky you are. I think when we hear news like that we do all ground ourselves again and look at the basics and feel fortunate for them. But equally it’s okay to then return to “regular” life and feel annoyed about a messy house, or a non-sleeping baby or something which is trivial in the grand scheme of things. That’s what life is. It’s okay to moan about little things in life. It’s okay to not focus on the big things constantly. Our brains can’t always cope with focusing on that too much. Especially since I had children I get more upset/impacted by heartbreaking news and purposefully don’t always read/watch. When it’s closer to home like your friend/colleagues it impacts you even more and your reaction of crying huggy baby feeling you’ve taken them fore granted seems normal enough. The key for your own health is to accept that’s okay to feel that way but that it’s also okay to find everyday things difficult too. We can’t all life constantly “counting our blessings” and never feeling upset or moaning.

I think people always feel like this when they here of being dying suddenly like in an accident.
It’s probably worse for you because it thinking about babies (my dc are adults so this wouldn’t affect me as much).
I expect you are also tired and have those pesky hormones zooming around.
Totally natural to feel this way just have a little cry and look after yourself.

Don't beat yourself up - you feel what you feel when you feel it, just like everyone else.
My DS2 was stillborn and I don't spend every waking moment cherishing DS1s good health. He's 2 and 2 year olds can be outrageously annoying at the exact same time as being utterly amazing and gorgeous. Sometimes I just feel the annoyance, and although I'd do a deal with the devil to have 2 toddlers annoying me instead of 1, the annoyance is still there and normal so I don't feel bad about it.